Is Your Husband Upset About No Sex Drive? Figure Out What To Do! Get a free download below to get you started! First published Sept 17, 2023 - Updated Feb 3, 2025 Low libido in women happens - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Are you struggling with low libido in marriage? If so, you're not alone. According to WebMD, 1 in 3 women lose their sex drive between the ages of 30 and 59. I say to the world - DUH!!! When we have no sex drive it feels like another task to check off of our list. And also, it's not healthy for us. If you're wondering, "How do I fix my sex drive as a woman?" or "What hormone imbalance causes low libido?" —you're not alone. A peer-reviewed study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2022) found that hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) affects approximately 10-15% of women worldwide. These issues can stem from various causes, including hormonal imbalances to psychological distress ( Kingsberg et al., 2022 ). The good news? THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You can restore intimacy in a way that feels natural and fulfilling. Keep reading to learn more! Why Don't I Have a Sex Drive? A lack of sex drive is known as low libido or hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) . This condition can be either temporary or chronic, depending on its root causes. ✅ Common Causes of Low Libido in Women: Hormone Imbalances : Fluctuations in estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. Relationship Issues : Emotional disconnect and unresolved resentment. Stress & Anxiety : Elevated cortisol levels reduce sexual arousal ( Bancroft et al., 2020 ). Medications : Antidepressants, birth control, and blood pressure medications may play a role ( Clayton et al., 2018 ). Self-Esteem & Body Image : Low self-perception negatively impacts desire. Many women struggle with body image issues. Physical Health Conditions : Chronic illnesses, thyroid disorders, and PCOS can all affect libido. 💡 It’s not just about wanting it more—it’s essential to understand the underlying cause! If you're lacking sexual confidence this free booklet is for you! Discover how embracing your sexual confidence can transform not only your relationship but also your self-perception, as you learn to navigate the complexities of intimacy with newfound understanding and empowerment in "Signs of a Sexually Confident Woman For Beginners. This is a free resource for all women, even if you know nothing about any of it. My goal is to help you overcome you fear and start to think about it. By providing accessible information and support, I aim to inspire your to take the first steps toward becoming curious about your and fostering a sense of healing and confidence in your journey. What Hormone Imbalance Causes a Woman to Have No Sex Drive? Hormones play a crucial role in influencing sexual desire. According to a 2023 review in Endocrine Reviews , hormonal imbalances can significantly affect a woman's libido. 🔹 Low Estrogen : Reduces vaginal lubrication and overall arousal. 🔹 Low Testosterone : Decreases motivation for sexual activity ( Davis & Wahlin-Jacobsen, 2015 ). 🔹 High Cortisol (Stress Hormone) : Suppresses both estrogen and testosterone. 🔹 Thyroid Dysfunction : It can affect mood, metabolism, and sexual desire ( Kothari et al., 2021 ). When to Get Checked: If your libido has suddenly dropped or it is affecting your relationship , consider a hormonal panel test with your doctor. How Relationship Issues Affect a Woman’s Sex Drive I have no sex drive and my husband is mad - if this is you, what is the emotional health of your relationship like? A strong emotional connection is vital for boosting sexual desire. Research from Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. shows that women with deep emotional intimacy report higher levels of sexual satisfaction . On the flip side, unresolved relationship stress can suppress desire and lead to avoidance behaviors. 🔹 Emotional Disconnect : A lack of emotional connection makes responsive desire diminish ( Nagoski, 2021 ). 🔹 Unresolved Resentment : Ongoing conflicts may result in withdrawal and a lack of interest in sex ( Basson, 2018 ). 🔹 Poor Communication : Neglecting tough conversations reduces intimacy and connection ( Muise et al., 2022 ). 🔹 Trust Issues : Feelings of betrayal or insecurity establish emotional barriers to physical intimacy ( Mark et al., 2020 ). When to Address It: If intimacy feels forced, or resentment builds, consider couples therapy or open dialogue exercises to restore trust. How Stress & Anxiety Lower Sexual Arousal Stress significantly impacts libido. Research in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2020) has shown that chronic stress results in increased cortisol , which inhibits sexual arousal and desire. 🔹 Increased Cortisol : Blocks estrogen and testosterone, reducing libido ( Bancroft et al., 2020 ). 🔹 Fight-or-Flight Response : When stressed, the body prioritizes survival over intimacy ( Basson, 2018 ). 🔹 Anxiety & Performance Pressure : Concerns about performance can trigger avoidance behavior ( Kleinplatz et al., 2019 ). 🔹 Emotional Exhaustion : Mental overload creates barriers to relaxation and arousal ( Nagoski, 2021 ). When to Address It: If stress adversely affects your daily life and relationship, consider stress management techniques, therapy, or relaxation exercises before seeking to enhance libido. How Medications Impact Sexual Desire Certain medications can lower libido by adjusting hormone levels or decreasing dopamine (the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure). 🔹 Antidepressants (SSRIs & SNRIs) : These medications increase serotonin but can suppress dopamine, leading to reduced arousal and delayed orgasm ( Clayton et al., 2018 ). 🔹 Birth Control Pills : These can lower free testosterone levels , which may decrease libido ( Davis & Wahlin-Jacobsen, 2015 ). 🔹 Blood Pressure Medications : Some beta-blockers and diuretics reduce blood flow to the genitals , impacting arousal ( Mark et al., 2020 ). 🔹 Opioids & Pain Medications : These suppress the central nervous system and can lead to a loss of sexual interest ( Basson, 2018 ). When to Address It: If you believe a medication is affecting your libido, consult your doctor about alternative options or dosage adjustments. How Self-Esteem & Body Image Affect Sexual Desire A woman's perception of her body has a significant impact on sexual confidence and desire. Studies in the Journal of Sex Research (2021) indicate a strong correlation between negative body image and low libido. 🔹 Self-Criticism : Feelings of shame and dissatisfaction diminish sexual confidence ( Pujols et al., 2021 ). 🔹 Avoidance Behavior : Women who feel unattractive tend to be less likely to initiate or enjoy sex ( Nagoski, 2021 ). 🔹 Media & Unrealistic Standards : Exposure to idealized body types negatively affects sexual self-esteem ( Fletcher, 2019 ). 🔹 Postpartum & Aging Concerns : Physical changes after childbirth or menopause can affect self-perception and intimacy ( Brotto & Gorzalka, 2021 ). When to Address It: If your self-image affects intimacy, focus on self-compassion exercises, therapy, and body-positive practices . How Physical Health Conditions Impact Libido Underlying health conditions can disrupt hormones, blood flow, and nerve function—all essential for fostering sexual desire. 🔹 Chronic Illness (Diabetes, Heart Disease, Autoimmune Disorders) : These conditions can affect energy levels, blood circulation, and nerve sensitivity , leading to decreased libido ( Zhao et al., 2022 ). 🔹 Thyroid Disorders (Hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s Disease) : Thyroid hormone imbalances may cause fatigue, depression, and lowered arousal ( Kothari et al., 2021 ). 🔹 Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) : Elevated androgen levels and insulin resistance can disrupt sexual response ( Muise et al., 2022 ). 🔹 Pelvic Pain & Endometriosis : Persistent pain conditions can lead to discomfort during sex and reduce desire ( Mark et al., 2020 ). When to Address It: If changes in libido align with new or worsening health symptoms, schedule a full medical checkup to rule out underlying issues . 🚀 Why This Matters Addressing relationship issues, stress, medications, self-esteem, and health conditions is vital for restoring libido. Understanding that desire encompasses both physical and emotional elements empowers women to feel whole and not inadequate . Next Steps: ✔ Identify the factors that personally affect your libido . ✔ Discuss with your partner in a blame-free manner . ✔ Explore therapy, stress reduction, or medical solutions tailored to your unique needs. 📌 Book a Consultation Today . Can a Lack of Sex Harm You? While there’s no medical risk in abstaining from sex, an extended absence of intimacy can impact mental well-being and relationship satisfaction . 🛑 Potential Effects of Low Libido Increased relationship tension & emotional disconnect ( Mark et al., 2020 ). Lower self-confidence due to reduced bonding (oxytocin deficiency). Heightened stress levels alongside an increased risk of depression & anxiety . Partner feelings of rejection , further complicating intimacy issues. 💡 Important: If you are perfectly content without sex, that's completely fine! But if it's leading to distress, proactively addressing it can help strengthen your connection. How Do I Fix My Sex Drive as a Woman? A 2021 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior revealed that addressing psychological, hormonal, and lifestyle factors can significantly enhance libido. Here are 15 evidence-based strategies to help you reconnect with desire naturally. Address Relationship Issues First A robust emotional connection greatly enhances sexual attraction ( Basson, 2018 ). 📖 Learn Your Love Language . Get Your Adrenaline Pumping Engaging in exciting activities together (e.g., walks, dance, or exercise) boosts dopamine levels and attraction ( Diamond, 2020 ). Try Sensate-Focused Physical Intimacy Non-goal-oriented touch alleviates anxiety and fosters connection ( de Jong, 2021 ). 🔥 Sensate Focus Therapy Guide . Rule Out Medical Causes Check for hormonal imbalances, thyroid dysfunction, and vitamin deficiencies . Work on Self-Confidence Negative body image is linked to decreased sexual desire ( Pujols et al., 2021 ). Sleep in Separate Beds Temporarily This can enhance sleep quality & libido ( Zhao et al., 2022 ). Change Your Routine To Lower Stress Chronic stress is known to diminish testosterone levels and inhibit sexual desire ( Bancroft et al., 2020 ). Have More Fun Together Playfulness and laughter enhance oxytocin production ( Fletcher, 2019 ). Talk Openly About Sex A 2022 Journal of Marital Therapy study demonstrated that open communication regarding sex significantly boosts relationship satisfaction ( Muise et al., 2022 ). Consider Couples Therapy If there are issues with resentment or avoidance , therapy can help rebuild your connection. 📌 Find a Sex Therapist Near You . Understanding Your Husband’s Perspective I often hear from women that they have no sex drive, and their husbands feel upset. Typically, it isn't just low libido that bothers them, but the absence of desire for improvement. If your husband feels rejected, he may see it as a reflection of his worthiness ( Brotto & Gorzalka, 2021 ). 🟢 How to Approach the Conversation: ✔ Validate his feelings without assuming responsibility for them. ✔ Communicate that you’re actively addressing the issue—but you’ll need patience along the way. ✔ Establish realistic expectations—rejuvenating libido takes time. 📖 Explore ways to be a GREAT listener with the Gottman Relationship Guide linked below: FAQs: What You Need to Know I Have No Sex Drive and My Husband is Mad. Is It Normal to Not Want Sex? Yes! Libido naturally fluctuates due to stress, health changes, hormonal shifts, and relationship dynamics. Can a Marriage Survive Without Sex? Yes— if both partners consent . Many couples often prioritize emotional intimacy over physical connections. How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back Naturally? Reduce stress & cortisol levels. Improve communication & emotional connection with your partner. Address any hormonal imbalances with medical assistance. Experiment with sensate-focused intimacy . Place priority on self-care & self-confidence . About the Author Terri Kern is a licensed clinical therapist and relationship coach focusing on adult ADHD, emotional regulation, intimacy issues, and marriage counseling . With over 10 years of experience , she has aided countless individuals and couples in overcoming intimacy challenges through evidence-based therapeutic approaches . 📌 Disclaimer This article serves informational purposes only and should not substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. If you experience persistent symptoms, consult a healthcare provider or therapist . 🔹 Next Steps: Take Control of Your Sex Drive 📌 Here’s What to Do Now: ✔ Identify why your libido is low ( whether hormonal, emotional, medical ). ✔ Discuss this with your partner in a non-blame manner . ✔ Attempt evidence-based solutions like therapy, communication improvements, or hormone checks . ✔ Seek professional guidance when necessary . 📩 Book a Consultation Today . 🔔 Subscribe for weekly relationship & intimacy tips!

Part 1: My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me! Understanding Your Sexless Marriage and Fixing it For Good! Updated June 23, 2025 Sexless Marriages Women building sexual confidence. A sexless marriage can feel like a silent earthquake – shaking the foundation of your identity as a woman, partner, and sexual being. When intimacy fades, it’s easy to internalize the silence as a reflection of your desirability, worth, or femininity. But here’s the truth science reveals: Your sexuality is not broken. Your confidence can be rebuilt, even if your marriage remains sexless for now. Drawing from the revolutionary insights of Emily Nagoski’s "Come As You Are" and Peggy Kleinplatz’s research on "Magnificent Sex," this guide offers a compassionate path back to your sensual, powerful self. Why Sexless Marriages Hurt Women Differently We carry unique burdens: societal messages tie our worth to desirability; we’re often expected to be the "gatekeepers" of intimacy; and when sex fades, we’re quick to blame our bodies, aging, or attractiveness. "Come As You Are" reminds us: Lack of sex is rarely about YOU being "not enough." Desire is a complex interplay of context, stress, emotional safety, neurobiology (your "accelerators" and "brakes"), and relationship dynamics. Your partner’s lack of interest or "over" interest is almost certainly about their inner world, not your worth. If you're lacking sexual confidence this free booklet is for you! Discover how embracing your sexual confidence can transform not only your relationship but also your self-perception, as you learn to navigate the complexities of intimacy with newfound understanding and empowerment in "Signs of a Sexually Confident Woman For Beginners. This is a free resource for all women, even if you know nothing about any of it. My goal is to help you overcome you fear and start to think about it. By providing accessible information and support, I aim to inspire your to take the first steps toward becoming curious about your and fostering a sense of healing and confidence in your journey. How To Have Sex For many of us sex doesn't start when our bodies touch nor does it end when we stop. Of course libido ebbs and flows over the lifespan; if partners focus on sex as a verb rather than an act, or a noun, the act itself becomes one of many bids for connection. The bids are mutual gestures of fondness and admiration, which are accepted with gratitude and sometimes declined with respect and empathy. Those bids are like currency; you deposit them and you withdraw them. Gottman Institute research shows that the more deposits each partner makes into the Fondness and Admiration account, the higher the chances of having a mutually satisfying relationship. Relationship satisfaction has a positive correlation with reports of sexually satisfaction. Build Sexual Confidence At the end of these four short steps, you'll have a solid foundation on which to start your journey toward healthy sexual confidence. Consider this: What do you know about sex? Let's start by getting on the same page about what sex is and why it's important. The more uncomfortable it feels thinking and reading about sex, the more critical it is for you to stay with me here! A review of the “Questions to consider” from Part 1 : What is your understanding of other people enjoying sex with their spouse? What kind of things do you see (media) or hear? We all have a lens through which we perceive and experience sex. From your early exposure to it to where you are today (feeling rejected or not in the mood) shapes your sexual confidence. How does a couple create a good sex life? What is included? It starts with communication. I’ll help you gain the confidence to talk about sex with your partner. When was the last time you and your partner discussed sex? Was it productive? In that case, you’ve experienced success! If not, what do you need to do to change how you talk about it? Once you feel confident, I’ll help you learn how to change how you talk about sex! 😊 Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! We all have beliefs about sex, from “dirty” to healthy. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely comfortable, and 10 is completely out of your comfort zone, how would you rate your comfort versus embarrassment about sex? If you rate higher, take a deep breath and a big leap of faith with me as I help you get in touch with your sexual confidence. Here’s a crazy thought - grab your partner and work through this together! 1: What is sex? Sex is a complex concept that can mean different things to different people. Generally speaking, though, sex involves any consensual activity between partners that involves physical contact or stimulation for pleasure or satisfaction. This definition includes kissing, sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, and masturbation. 😊 Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! How do you define sex? What’s your mindset regarding sex - is it taboo, or are you open about it? Have you had positive or negative experiences with sex? What are your sexual boundaries, and does your partner know them? Do you? You and your partner could answer these questions and then discuss your answers. The Psychology Behind Sex It’s no secret that sex is often seen in a negative light—especially when it comes to women’s sexuality—but it has been proven time and time again that healthy sexuality is incredibly beneficial for both mental and physical health. Not only does regular sexual activity boost serotonin levels (which leads to better moods), but it also helps reduce stress levels and increases libido (which can lead to better performance overall). Additionally, regular orgasms have been linked with better sleep quality and increased fertility rates in women! The Importance Of Consent No matter what type of sexual activity you choose to engage in—with or without a partner—it's essential to always obtain consent from your partner(s) before proceeding with any sexual act. Without consent from all parties, sexual contact is considered non-consensual—and therefore illegal—in most countries worldwide. Furthermore, having conversations about consent before any physical contact helps build trust between partners and encourages healthy communication within relationships. Sex is an incredibly personal experience with no one-size-fits-all definition; what one person considers “sex” may not be the same as someone else’s definition. That being said, understanding the basics can help ensure both partners are on the same page regarding their expectations for each other during sexual encounters. Above all else, remember that consent should always come first! Happy exploring! 2. What is sexual confidence? Sexual confidence is different for everyone and can mean different things to different people. For some, it might mean being comfortable in their own skin and feeling secure in their ability to please their partner sexually. For others, it could mean the courage to try new things and explore new possibilities with their partner. At its core, sexual confidence is feeling secure and empowered enough to express yourself sexually without fear or shame. Why Some People Lose Sexual Confidence For some couples, a sexless marriage can lead to a loss of sexual confidence on both sides due to guilt or insecurity. It could be that one or both partners have lost interest in sex because they feel disconnected or because they’ve grown apart over time. In other cases, one partner may have lost interest due to hormonal changes or physical health issues affecting their libido. Do you or your partner have any of these common sexual health issues? Common issues that affect sex. ​Here is how to deal with sexual health issues: See a doctor: SERIOUSLY - GROW UP AND SEE YOUR DOCTOR. Guys - you’re not the only man with a “limp shrimp!” Gals - you’re not the only woman who is blocked when it comes to getting in the mood or feeling pain. YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THAT…get to the doctor and allow them to help you! Get to counseling: Once your medical issues are addressed, you can get with a counselor who can help with psychological tools to supplement any medical treatment. Think of successful athletes - they identify their obstacles and remove them through their thinking and problem-solving skills. Keep communication open: Now is not the time for stonewalling! Talk to your partner about your experience with your sexual health issues, and stay connected with your partner while you’re working through it. Try other stuff: Affection can go a long way while you work with your medical team to resolve your sexual issues. Make sure you hold hands, hug, kiss, and stay close to your partner. If you’re feeling your sexual confidence, get sexual in ways that don’t include an erection or intercourse. Try this! ⏩This is one of my favorite interventions to help couples start getting into a sexual mindset without the pressure of having sex to start out. Try it here: Cornell Sensate Focus Exercise What Does Sex Mean To You? When trying to reclaim your sexual confidence in a sexless marriage, both partners need to consider what sex means to them individually and together as a couple. This will help you better understand why you’re feeling disconnected from each other sexually and how you can begin rebuilding your connection. Talk openly about what both of you want out of your sex life and discuss ways to work together towards achieving those goals. 😊 Think about it! How would you rate your sexual confidence on a scale of 1 - 10, where 1 is very low with no desire and 10 is healthy and ready to go? Does your partner complain or turn you down frequently if you're on the lower end? If you’re on the higher end, do you feel rejected and “act out” when turned down? This would be a great exercise to engage with your partner to help them build THEIR sexual confidence! 3. Transforming How You Feel About Sex It is also important for both partners to address any negative emotions surrounding sex, such as shame or guilt, so they don’t hinder progress toward rediscovering intimacy with each other again. Take time apart if needed but make sure that when coming back together as a couple, these emotions are addressed so that they don’t continue impacting your relationship negatively going forward. Helpful Tool: Putting structure around your conversations about sex. Try the GOTTSEX Series: The Art and Science of Lovemaking - Myths about Sex . Read the information together and talk about sex respectfully and inquisitively. 4. Improving Your Sexual Confidence Sexless marriages can be difficult but not impossible situations; with effort on both sides toward understanding what sexual confidence means for each person involved and working together towards rebuilding the connection between them, couples who find themselves in this situation can regain their lost intimacy once again—and even become stronger than before! Take the time necessary now so that you may look back later at this period fondly as an experience where two people chose to love again over despair and found something beautiful through it all! Terri's recommendation: Ladies - this book will change your life: Come As You Are; The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy. Terri's recommendation: Guys - do you want some help boosting your confidence? Check this out: A More Self-Confident Man: Strengthen your self-confidence by eliminating negative beliefs, fears, and frustrations. This guide covers everything from imposter syndrome and fear of failure to lack of self-worth. Within these pages, you'll find practical steps to move forward when things go wrong and learn to love yourself throughout all of life's challenges. 😊 Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! How do you define sex? What’s your mindset regarding sex - is it taboo, or are you open about it? Have you had positive or negative experiences with sex? What are your sexual boundaries, and does your partner know them? Do you? You and your partner could answer these questions and then discuss your answers. Be your own counselor! Build your sexual confidence one step at a time! You don’t have to be perfect to be sexy! What is one small thing you can do or change to improve your sexual confidence? How can you feel more comfortable in your own skin sexually? What are some things you can do to help boost your partner's sexual confidence? Are there any techniques or tricks that have worked to make you more confident in the bedroom? What advice would you give someone struggling with sexual confidence? Becoming The Best Version of You There are ways to improve our sexual confidence that start with assessing where you are today. If you want to take control of your sexless marriage and change it, you need to start by building your sexual confidence. You can do this by self-assessing where you are currently with your sexual health and understanding what sex is and how you feel about it. If you’re reading this because you want to change your sexless marriage, start making small incremental changes to improve your sexual confidence. One thing you can do immediately is to get any sexual dysfunction issues addressed by talking to a medical professional. STOP IGNORING IT! These steps will help you move forward in taking control of your sex life and enjoying a more fulfilling experience. So get started today by learning more about yourself and what makes you sexually confident. Next Up: Overcoming The Obstacles That Prevent You From Having Sex Part 1: My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me! Understanding Your Sexless Marriage and Fixing it For Good!

My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me is a 3-part series that explores the anatomy of the sexless marriage. The ideal audience is married or committed couples who want to take their sex lives from dead to divine! Understand your sexless marriage and fix it for good! WHAT'S IN THIS SERIES: Part 1: Our Sexual Development & Health Part 2: Building Sexual Confidence Part 3: What To Do About It My Sexless Marriage Is Killing Me If you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone. Many couples silently struggle with little or no sexual connection, wondering: Why did we stop having sex? Can intimacy ever return?   Research suggests that about 15% of men and 35% of women go through extended periods without having sex. That's nearly 1 in 5 couples that face this challenge. While it may feel hopeless, the truth is—you can bring intimacy back into your marriage. This 3-part series explores why couples stop having sex, how emotional disconnection fuels the problem, and the practical steps to reignite passion and rebuild intimacy. We’ll discuss what sex means to you and why; we’ll plug that into your relationship. I’ll also explore the damage a sexless relationship can have on a marriage. Lastly, I’ll help you create a plan to FIX your status and create a healthy sexual bond with your spouse and, most importantly, yourself. If you're lacking sexual confidence this free booklet is for you! Discover how embracing your sexual confidence can transform not only your relationship but also your self-perception, as you learn to navigate the complexities of intimacy with newfound understanding and empowerment in "Signs of a Sexually Confident Woman For Beginners. This is a free resource for all women, even if you know nothing about any of it. My goal is to help you overcome you fear and start to think about it. By providing accessible information and support, I aim to inspire your to take the first steps toward becoming curious about your and fostering a sense of healing and confidence in your journey. Whether you’re the pursuer or the one who turns your spouse down if sex is something you want to fix, this is the right place for you! The most important question is - do you want to change how you relate to your spouse so that you can find pleasure in sex? If the answer is YES, read on! A sexless couple turning away from each other. Our Sexual Development & Health Our experiences with sex begin long before marriage. Childhood, culture, religion, trauma, and health all shape how we relate to sex. For example, someone raised to believe “sex is dirty” may feel shame or avoid intimacy, while another may crave closeness but lack the language to express it. Understanding how your sexual story began is the first step toward changing your sex life now. For example, a woman who was sexually abused by her stepfather starting at age 13 is likely to have a very different lens through which she experiences sex versus that of her husband. Raised in a loving environment, the husband grew to see sex as a healthy dynamic between a couple. If her husband pursues more sex to connect with her, she may feel triggered and shut down, leaving both spouses frustrated. Often, as in this example, sex ends up being a point of conflict between the couple. Sex isn't. the problem, it's the communication about sex that causes conflict. A common issue that surprises me the most in counseling couples is how poorly partners communicate about sex. Sheer incompetence at raising sexual needs has driven many a wedge into the foundations of our marriages. Neither of you are wrong! The pursuer of sex is not wrong for wanting to have sex with their person. The denier of sex is not wrong for simply saying no. I'll say it again - neither of you is in the wrong! Some of us are sexually charged, and others are entirely disinterested. Many of us believe if we can’t have intercourse (due to medical or other issues), then there’s no sense in giving affection because it won’t lead to sex. Some of us believe sex IS intercourse. Whatever your situation, from being on fire with desire to feeling like a sexual dud, we all have a relationship with our sexuality based on our life experiences. If you and your spouse have competing sex drives, you’re two different people with different brains and, you guessed it - Neither of you are wrong! We experience life through our senses, and our brain tells us how to interpret what we’re experiencing. First, our emotions tell us how to respond to what’s happening. Our thinking makes sense of what’s happening and how to problem solve. Here is a common profile I see in my practice : A man who abuses pornography and gets his sexual satisfaction from it versus turning to his wife comes from a super religious background where sex was sinful and discussed as demonic. He develops the Madonna/Whore Syndrome where he only gets off in the fantasy of porn and doesn't give his wife the opportunity to evolve and grow sexually with him. He is often impotent when he's with her; he shuts down and she blames herself. Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex? Couples stop having sex for many reasons—stress, medical issues, mismatched sex drives, emotional disconnection, or unresolved conflict. Many times, one partner avoids sex because they feel unappreciated or resentful. Other times, sex fades because partners don’t know how to ask for what they want. Whatever the reason, ignoring the problem can turn distance into resentment. A Healthy Sex Life Sex between a loving couple is a normal, healthy, and essential dynamic. Research shows that relationship satisfaction positively correlates with the quality of intimacy in the relationship. In other words, couples who report healthy intimacy also say they’re highly satisfied in their relationship. I must say that it’s also 100% true that sexless marriages work for some couples and they report high relationship satisfaction. And if you’re in a sexless marriage and happy, then I applaud you! This article is not written for couples who are happy without sex! However, if you have no libido or a low sex drive or feel unappreciated, or you need it daily, or whatever position you’re in, I hope you stay with me through this series on how to FIX a sexless relationship for good! Let’s talk about SEX! I’d like us to remove all the societal and religious noise about sex and shift the lens to help you see it from a purely human perspective. We’re all sexual beings because sex leads to procreation. The great drawing below from page 24 of the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., shows that men and women start with the same genitalia in utero. Twelve weeks after conception, DNA determines whether a fetus’s genital tubercle develops into a clitoris or a penis; females have two X chromosomes, and males have one X and one Y. Most human bodies evolve pretty straightforwardly, and their genitalia is clearly distinguishable. Other bodies develop unclearly, and a person can be born with male and female parts. Some humans develop sexual organs of one gender, and their brain develops as the opposite gender; this experience is called “transgender.” This explains why young kids will clearly state they identify as the opposite gender of their bodies. Society has dictated our genetic norms over time; a human with a penis develops into a male in body and brain, and a human with a clitoris develops into a female body and brain. Page 24; Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD Society historically says it’s “normal” for a boy and a girl to be attracted to the opposite sex, and any other experience is “sinful” or “wrong.” As scientific discoveries evolve, we learn that a female with high testosterone levels can have enlarged clitorises, balding hair, and other masculine traits. We see women who identify as lesbians (female and homosexual) look and sound masculine. We see men who seem feminine. Are these people monsters of society? Hell no! And if you believe they are, I encourage you to learn the facts. Heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual - all products of our genetics. It’s all engrained in our brains. Our gender identity and sexuality are the inner identification of a male or female, both or neither - which is a conversation for another day. How we RELATE to ourselves drives how we RELATE to our spouse. By the time we’re about ten years old, we’re firmly planted in our gender identity, and our sexuality starts to develop. Sexual orientation is embedded in our brains. Puberty hits, and our hormones start to create the curiosity about sex that takes us into our teen years. Kids deal with their curiosity about sex differently; some of us became sexually active, remained celibate, or watched pornography. Some of us were abused on our first sexual encounter; some were exposed to sex and pornography at a wildly inappropriate age. Some of us were raised in healthy households where love was frequently shown, and some saw dysfunction, such as a mother who frequently had men coming in and out of the home or a completely absent father. We develop a foundation of our sexual experience well before we become adults. 🤔 THINK ABOUT IT! What factors feed into your sexual experience? What did you know about sex as a kid? When did you become aware of sex, and how? How old were you when you became sexually active? What did your caretakers teach you about sex? How do you relate to yourself - gender and sexual identity? By now, you should have a sense of your own sexual development. If you’re a partner with no libido, perhaps you can identify where the lack of sexual interest comes from. A client diagnosed with sex addiction told me that a trusted neighbor molested them as a kid. It started as watching porn “for fun,” and then it evolved into touching, rape, and the threat of harm if the client told. By the time the client was a young adult, they had many partners. When they married, sex was withheld because it was seen as “dirty” and “wrong.” This partner had a hard time being sexually connected with their spouse - not because of the spouse but because of the partner’s perspective and experience with sex. Part 1: Sex and YOU According to the World Health Organization (2006), SEXUALITY is “a central aspect of being human throughout life and encompasses sex, gender identities, roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy, and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors, practices, roles, and relationships. While sexuality can include these dimensions, not all of them are always experienced or expressed. Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, ethical, legal, historical, religious and spiritual factors.” That last sentence is important because it influences the quality of our sex lives. Our sexual health is feeling physical, emotionally, mentally, and socially confident in how we relate to our sexuality. Being sexually healthy doesn’t just mean we’re absent of illness. It requires us to approach sex positively and respectfully to experience safe and pleasurable sex with a partner who respects, protects, and fulfills our mission. It’s a feeling of confidence, control, and insight. What is “sex” in a relationship, and what does it mean? Sex in a marriage or committed relationship is an intimate experience between two consenting adults with the primary purpose of mutual pleasure. The “intimate” experience doesn’t always create a bond of intimacy. Married sex is part of the secure bond between spouses because it creates emotional closeness; the physical act of sex is an expression of that experience and provides the couple with emotional and physical pleasure. Not all forms of intimacy are created equal; there's an array of passionate and fulfilling ways to explore each other sexually. There are many reasons why people have sex; reproduction, attention seeking, boredom, autoeroticism, connection, and coercion. 🤔 THINK ABOUT IT! How would you rate your sexual health? Poor, Fair, Good, Excellent? How would you rate the frequency of sex with your partner? Sexless, Sometimes, Often, Daily? How would you rate the pleasure factor with your partner? None, Some, Plenty, Amazing? Does your partner complain about your sex life? Do you complain about it? The primary purpose of sex is pleasure, so what does your sexual health look like when you compare it to a sexual relationship with your spouse? How often do you feel sexual pleasure, and how often does your spouse feel it? If your partner complains that there is not enough sex, they’re probably feeling frustrated and rejected. If your partner turns you down frequently when you make a bid for sex, they’re probably feeling down on themselves or stressed. If there is no sex talk or activity between you and your partner, you’re probably in a sexless marriage. Questions to consider: What is your understanding of other people enjoying sex with their spouse? What kind of things do you see (media) or hear? How does a couple create a good sex life? What is included? When was the last time you and your partner discussed sex? Was it productive? In that case you’ve experienced success! If not, what do you need to do to change how you talk about it? How would you describe your sex life currently? What needs to change? Hang on to your answers for Part 2! Next Up: Part 2 of 3: Building Sexual Self Confidence

Part 3 of 3; My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me! is a 3-part series that explores the anatomy of the sexless marriage. The ideal audience is married or committed couples who want to take their sex lives from dead to divine! Understand your sexless marriage and fix it for good! Part 1: My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me! Understanding Your Sexless Marriage and Fixing it For Good! Part 2: How To Build Sexual Confidence In A Sexless Marriage

My counseling practice has always offered online couples therapy. When I started it over ten years ago I also saw people in person for about a year; then I realized how much more efficient and less stressful it is for couples to meet in their own space. You can imagine how busy I got during COVID. Partners suddenly locked down together in the home with all the stuff in each of their faces. Marriage and divorce rates dropped during because the courts were closed. The real story came after the world opened back up. In the United States, the United Kingdom, and China, divorce rates surged at times higher than pre-pandemic rates. Couples could no longer ignore the perpetual issues that they put on the back burner for, as research tells us , an average of six years. Much of the theme in couples counseling is the same; one partner is typically focused on career and earnings while the other partner over-functions on the home front. Neither partner is doing anything wrong in that regard so it's a hard dynamic to address. When this happens, many couples fall into all the pitfalls of how not to handle a conflict. This is usually the point couples start to work with me. Both are frustrated because they both feel like they're contributing to the household in a meaningful way; and they're both right! So now what do they do? Communication is the first challenge to tackle At the root of every ongoing issue that makes you feel like you're living in groundhog's day repeatedly is the quality of communication between the partners. People have a lot of mythical beliefs about relationships and what constitutes healthy interaction. Couples often face communication barriers, stress, and unresolved conflicts that can strain their bond. A young stay at home mother needs adult connection and relies on her husband when he gets home from work. His ADHD brain is depleted from interacting with people all day and he needs time to reset so that he can focus on being present at home. They've argued so much about this dynamic - the hour after he walks in the door - and yet, day after day they both know it continues, neither expressing themselves in a productive way nor recognizing nobody is in the wrong. Fortunately, virtual counseling has emerged as a convenient and effective way for couples to work through issues like this. What I find helpful is to catch people in their natural environment which brings their guard down. This blog post explores how online couples therapy can support relationships, offering practical advice and insights to help couples thrive. I'll give you research and anecdotal trends I see in my practice. The Rise of Online Couples Therapy: Convenience Meets Connection Online couples therapy has really revolutionized how partners seek help. Unlike in-person sessions, virtual counseling offers flexibility and accessibility. Couples can attend sessions from the comfort of their homes, eliminating travel time and scheduling conflicts. Virtual counseling has been studied intensely over the last ten years and it's found to be equally as effective as in-person counseling . This is important because virtual counseling offers assistance to people who otherwise wouldn't have access to help. Rural areas and also people who have transportation issues. It's not for everyone and that's ok; if you and/or your partner feel more comfortable having butts in seats in an office I encourage you to do that for sure! 👍 Benefits of online couples therapy include: Flexible scheduling: Many people fit in a 60-minute session into their lunch hour or other times they're available throughout their day. Comfortable environment: Couples feel more relaxed in familiar surroundings. Access to specialists: Geographic barriers disappear, allowing access to expert therapists. Privacy: Sessions can be more discreet, reducing stigma. For example, a couple juggling work and parenting responsibilities can schedule a session during their children’s nap time without worrying about childcare or commuting. This convenience encourages consistency, which is crucial for progress in therapy. A healthy relationship includes knowing how you feel so you can tell your partner; and visa versa. How Online Couples Therapy Enhances Communication Skills One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is to improve communication. Virtual counseling provides a structure where partners can learn to express themselves clearly and listen actively. When partners are in their own space they tend to be more authentic versus sitting in an office where people become more muted. I am very attuned to both partners - even remotely through video. I have a long history of training in body language, verbal and non verbal communication, which is what makes me a unique fit for virtual treatment. A good couples therapy session is when partners face each other and speak their truth in an honest and respectful way, eyeball to eyeball. Each partner should talk to each other directly, where the therapist is coaching rather than participating. If the honesty is hurtful to the other partner, we work in real time on coping skills to help support that partner. Equal to speaking truth to partner is being a great listener while you feel your feelings about the truth your partner is sharing. Therapists teach partners various techniques to foster better communication, such as: Reflective listening: Partners repeat what they heard to ensure understanding. I-statements: Expressing feelings without blaming the other person. Time-outs: Pausing heated discussions to prevent escalation. During online sessions, therapists can observe interactions and guide couples through exercises tailored to their unique challenges. For instance, I might assign a “daily check-in” practice where each partner shares their feelings for five minutes without interruption. This simple habit can build empathy and reduce misunderstandings. Building Intimacy Through Virtual Counseling Hey guys - want to have more sex with your wife? I have a sure fire way that you can drastically increase your chances of having a healthy sex life - be an emotionally intelligent husband. And ladies - want to have a husband who understands you and anticipates your needs regularly? Stop expecting him to mind-read, tell him exactly what you need without dropping a sledgehammer into his gut when he walks in, and focus on filling your tank before anyone else's! Emotional intelligence is the foundation of a strong relationship. It involves making your partner feel safe, understood, and valued every day . Cracks in the foundation of an intimate connection start when past hurts get swept under the carpet, or any of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse behaviors exist in the communication. Online couples therapy helps couples reconnect emotionally by addressing barriers such as past hurts, mistrust, or emotional distance. Therapists often use techniques like: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps partners identify and express vulnerable emotions. Attachment-based approaches: Explore how early experiences affect current relationship patterns. Mindfulness exercises: Encourage present-moment awareness and reduce anxiety. For example, a couple struggling with emotional withdrawal might learn to recognize their triggers and practice vulnerability in a supportive environment. Over time, these efforts can deepen their bond and foster a sense of security. Practical Tips for Making the Most of Online Couples Therapy To maximize the benefits of virtual counseling, couples should consider the following tips: Choose a quiet, private space: Minimize distractions to create a safe environment. I strongly recommend you get a babysitter for the kids so that you're focused on each other and your kids aren't listening to adult issues. Use reliable technology: Ensure a stable internet connection and test your device before sessions. Most devices work really well; while technical issues happen they really don't occur that much. Be open and honest: Transparency helps therapists tailor their approach. Before the first session write this down: what do you want the therapist to know about you, your relationship, and what you want to get out of therapy. Commit to homework: Practice skills and exercises between sessions; that's where the change happens. Sessions are for reviewing and solving problems. Schedule regular sessions: Consistency supports steady progress. I know that life gets busy, but starting and stopping may make things worse. Additionally, couples should discuss their goals with the therapist at the outset. Whether it’s improving communication, resolving conflicts, or rebuilding trust, clear objectives help guide the therapy process. If you are looking for professional support, consider exploring online couples therapy ohio for experienced therapists who specialize in virtual counseling. Of course, I hope you consider working with me at Great Lakes Counseling Group! Exploring More Relationship Advice and Resources If you want to dive deeper into relationship topics, communication strategies, and self-care tips, check out our Advice blog . It’s packed with valuable insights designed to empower you and your partner on your journey. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Virtual counseling offers a modern, accessible way to nurture your relationship and build a lasting connection. Embracing the Future of Relationship Support Virtual counseling is more than a trend - it’s a powerful tool that adapts to the realities of modern life. By embracing online couples therapy, couples can overcome barriers, enhance their connection, and create a healthier, happier partnership. Whether you’re facing specific challenges or simply want to strengthen your bond, online therapy provides a flexible, effective path forward. Take the first step today and discover how virtual counseling can transform your relationship. For more helpful articles and expert advice, visit our Advice blog and stay connected with a community dedicated to relationship wellness.

I want to start this article by recognizing all of the Americans who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. I had a flight scheduled that morning to travel from Atlanta to Chicago with a connecting flight at Reagan International Airport for early that morning. I canceled my flight because my daughter was ill. Commence the chaos. Eleven of my NY coworkers died in the Twin Towers that day; many others made it down the daunting stairs. Forever lost. Forever scarred. Forever with us. Back to the Kirk assassination and a young life wasted. UPDATE: 22-year-old Tyler Robinson from Washington, Utah has been arrested for murdering Kirk. Now we have TWO young lives wasted. My schedule lit up right after President Trump announced the assassination of Charlie Kirk. The gruesome, morbid, obscenely violent video of a hole being blown out of his neck was beyond comprehension. Weirdly, Wednesday morning before this horrific event, I found a loaded gun on my front lawn. Someone wrapped it up in a shirt and threw it on the lawn. Such an odd and very unsettling occurrence. Of course, the police were called. I was already on edge! I attempted to check social media to see if they caught the perpetrator who shot Kirk and was sick to my stomach reading the atrocious comments. They were brutal, angry, and ugly—how much Kirk "deserved it." I also read praise and the martyring of Kirk. What a horror show. Top billing in this nightmare reality show comes from our President, Donald Trump. It's not lost on me that Trump has turned our lives into a reality show that has Americans playing Squid Games with each other. How reckless to immediately place "blame" on the "radical left." WORDS MATTER. Who Charlie Kirk Was Charlie Kirk was one of the most recognizable names in conservative activism . As the founder of Turning Point USA , a powerful conservative nonprofit organization, he built a platform that shaped political conversations on high school and college campuses across the country. Kirk positioned himself among the top conservative commentators in America—alongside well-known media personalities—using charisma, quick wit, and an ability to connect with younger audiences hungry for political identity. But Kirk’s rise to prominence was not just about organizing rallies or building conservative groups. He tapped into the culture war issues that divide America, focusing on extremist views on education, freedom of speech, and attacks on “woke” culture. Listen, nobody can argue that he was intelligent, charismatic, and very successful. His supporters admired his intelligence and strategic thinking, seeing him as a defender of traditional values, convincing young people that the "radical left" has taken over our schools and public life. A side note: Traditional values do not include sacrificing human life for a mentally impaired person's right to legally buy the assault rifle and the ammo that blew a hole in Charlie's neck, ending his life in a hail of irony. Kirk made comments connected to antisemitism , misinformation, and inflammatory rhetoric. While his defenders often brushed these aside, his influence normalized toxic narratives that fuel division. These contradictions—between his charisma and his controversies—help explain both the reach of his influence and the dangers of the ideas he amplified. Kirk was a polarizing political figure, one who thrived on amplifying conflict and shaping the next generation of right-wing politics. His legacy will be complex: intelligence and charisma that mobilized millions, but also rhetoric that threw gasoline on the pyre of hatred in America; the very emotion that caused someone to end his life. The Dangerous Rhetoric Kirk Spread Charlie Kirk’s influence wasn’t just about building conservative organizations or leading Turning Point USA—it was about the rhetoric he spread every single day. His platform allowed him to present himself as one of the famous conservative commentators , but much of his messaging went far beyond traditional conservatism. At rallies, podcasts, and on social media, Kirk frequently stoked fear around conservatism in education , claiming schools were indoctrinating children with leftist ideology; what us old school conservatives call truth, trust, and science. He positioned himself as a defender of Christian and conservative values, but in practice, his speeches often blurred the line between passionate advocacy and inflammatory misinformation, otherwise known as LIES. Kirk was repeatedly criticized for statements linked to antisemitism and anti-democratic views . For example, Kirk questioned U.S. support for Israel during the Biden Administration, spread election lies, claimed the election was rigged, and attacked LGBTQ+ youth. His words carried weight because of his charisma and his ability to frame himself as a truth-teller against so-called “mainstream lies.” In doing so, Kirk normalized narratives that painted Democrats, progressives, and sometimes entire communities as enemies of America. This kind of rhetoric is dangerous because it invites conflict . Evidenced by the gigantic hole someone blew into Charlie's neck with a high-powered rifle. The most gruesome, horrific, violent, soul-changing thing I've seen since I watched a micro-second of the video of the beheading of Daniel Pearl back in 2002. Human-on-human violence makes part of my soul die. I watched a fight one time in high school and immediately threw up. I can never unsee what I saw on Wednesday. Ever. Describing politics as a battle between patriots and traitors helped set the stage for a culture where political violence no longer seemed unthinkable. This is exactly the stuff Kirk talked about, and that's what took him out. Because of that, it's unreasonable to demonize thoughts like— Is that karma? Did he deserve to die for spreading hate? Is there something wrong with me that I'm "glad" that happened to him? —all questions I've been asked since it happened. I want to help you make sense of your emotional response to this horrific event. Why? Because you'll realize that most Americans—you and me—agree on more things than what divides us. I want to help you find this in your world so we can lock arms and stop this madness. Charlie Kirk wasn’t alone; many popular right-wing political activists used the same playbook. But Kirk’s sharp intelligence and youth made him uniquely effective at packaging hostility as strategy. The tragic irony is that the very divisive narratives Kirk amplified throughout his career created the kind of unstable political climate that put him at risk. Words matter. When public figures continually frame opponents as evil or illegitimate, they prime unstable followers to act violently. In this way, Kirk’s assassination highlights not only the dangers of political violence but also the cost of spreading rhetoric that encourages endless conflict. Political Violence Against Melissa Hortman and John Hoffman On June 14, 2025, Minnesota witnessed a devastating act of political violence that shook the state and reverberated nationally. Melissa Hortman , former Speaker of the Minnesota House and leader of the Democratic–Farmer–Labor Party caucus, was assassinated in her Brooklyn Park home , alongside her husband, Mark. And their dog. This attack was not random. It was carried out by an assailant who impersonated a police officer and targeted Hortman and others based on their political positions and values. My worst nightmare. The same night, State Senator John Hoffman and his wife Yvette were also shot in their Champlin home; both survived after intensive medical treatment. Investigators later discovered that the shooter, Vance Luther Boelter , had compiled a “hit list” of dozens of public officials, particularly those associated with protecting abortion rights and progressive causes. Their names were among those marked for violence. The killings were also politically motivated assassinations and equally heinous. The Republican Party failed to properly acknowledge and denounce this act of violence against them because of their party affiliation. Trump said he wouldn't ‘waste time ’ calling Minnesota Governor and former Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz after that horrendous act of violence. He didn't order American flags to fly at half-mast. He didn't decry the outrage that matches how he's responding to Kirk. The President of the United States of America should be calming us all down, not inflaming us. What he did do was blame Walz and the Democrats. People are upset that the Republican party doesn't ever address children being murdered in schools other than "thoughts and prayers" to their families. This is REAL, and we all have to deal with it. The Gaslighting of Americans In the aftermath of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, the immediate reaction from Trump and his Republican allies followed a familiar script: blame Democrats. Tyler Robinson from Washington, Utah. Robinson is the alleged Kirk assassin. As of this writing, he lived with his conservative parents; Robinson has no political affiliation and his voting status is 'inactive.' The bullet that killed Kirk was inscribed with, 'Hey fascist! catch!' This was not an honest search for truth, nor an attempt to calm a shaken nation. It was a deliberate act of gaslighting —a strategy designed to manipulate reality, confuse the public, and shield themselves from accountability. As of this writing, there is no motive on why Robinson took Kirk out. Gaslighting is the psychological tactic of making people question what they know to be true. In politics, it works by flipping blame onto opponents and portraying victims as aggressors. In death, it's the pressure of society to demand we feel something when someone dies; if we don't, somehow we're "bad." By claiming that Democrats are somehow responsible for Kirk’s death, Trump and his allies are not simply deflecting—they are weaponizing a tragedy to deepen division. This strategy has been Trump’s playbook for years. From the false claim of a “rigged election” to pushing fake electors to calling for the seizure of voting machines , he has consistently used misinformation to avoid accountability and preserve his own power. Now, facing legal jeopardy and the possibility of prison constantly looming over his head, Trump is doubling down, turning every crisis into a stepping stone toward his ultimate goal: survival at the expense of democracy itself. Kirk’s death has become another “paver” on Trump’s road to chaos. Rather than acknowledging the role of hateful rhetoric in fueling violence, Republicans are framing themselves as the true victims. WE THE PEOPLE ARE THE VICTIMS. Charlie Kirk is a casualty of the culture war; his assassin is too. So are the Minnesota State officials and their spouses and their dog, for fuck's sake. Trump himself has been a target of his own political psychopathology. Blaming is not leadership! And it risks paving the way to something even darker: a climate where violence feels normalized, where democracy erodes under the weight of lies, and where truth itself becomes impossible to recognize. The irony is painful. Charlie Kirk spent years amplifying messages of conflict, portraying politics as a battlefield rather than a place of debate and compromise. Now, his death is being twisted into a weapon by those who share that worldview. What we are witnessing is not just hypocrisy—it is the clearest example yet of how gaslighting poisons democracy. The Charlie Kirk Assassination and Sympathy Ambivalence Many Americans are experiencing a kind of sympathy ambivalence about Kirk's assassination. On one hand, there is no question: political assassination is illegal violence , and it must be condemned. The act of ending a life with a high-powered weapon is horrific, destabilizing, and deeply un-American. Most people, regardless of party, want political violence to stop. On the other hand, Kirk was not a neutral figure. He built his career spreading hateful and divisive rhetoric, often targeting vulnerable groups, including children, educators, and survivors of school shootings. His words were not abstract; they shaped real-world attitudes that fueled hostility and fear. A Sample of Charlie Kirk’s Inflammatory Statements From: The Guardian. (2025, September 11). Charlie Kirk: His quotes, beliefs and controversies . The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/11/charlie-kirk-quotes-beliefs On race If I see a Black pilot, I’m going to be like, boy, I hope he’s qualified.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 23 January 2024 If you’re a WNBA, pot-smoking, Black lesbian, do you get treated better than a United States marine?– The Charlie Kirk Show, 8 December 2022 Happening all the time in urban America, prowling Blacks go around for fun to go target white people, that’s a fact. It’s happening more and more.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 19 May 2023 If I’m dealing with somebody in customer service who’s a moronic Black woman, I wonder is she there because of her excellence, or is she there because affirmative action?– The Charlie Kirk Show, 3 January 2024 On debate We record all of it so that we put [it] on the internet so people can see these ideas collide. When people stop talking, that’s when you get violence. That’s when civil war happens, because you start to think the other side is so evil, and they lose their humanity.– Kirk discussing his work in an undated clip that circulated on X after his killing. Prove me wrong.– Kirk’s challenge to students to publicly debate him during the tour of colleges he was on when he was assassinated. On gender, feminism and reproductive rights Reject feminism. Submit to your husband, Taylor. You’re not in charge.– Discussing news of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement on The Charlie Kirk Show, 26 August 2025 The answer is yes, the baby would be delivered.– Responding to a question about whether he would support his 10-year-old daughter aborting a pregnancy conceived because of rape on the debate show Surrounded, published on 8 September 2024 We need to have a Nuremberg-style trial for every gender-affirming clinic doctor. We need it immediately.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 1 April 2024 On gun violence I think it’s worth to have a cost of, unfortunately, some gun deaths every single year so that we can have the second amendment to protect our other God-given rights. That is a prudent deal. It is rational.– Event organized by TPUSA Faith, the religious arm of Kirk’s conservative group Turning Point USA, on 5 April 2023 On immigration America was at its peak when we halted immigration for 40 years and we dropped our foreign-born percentage to its lowest level ever. We should be unafraid to do that.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 22 August 2025 The American Democrat party hates this country. They wanna see it collapse. They love it when America becomes less white.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 20 March 2024 The great replacement strategy, which is well underway every single day in our southern border, is a strategy to replace white rural America with something different.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 1 March 2024 On Islam America has freedom of religion, of course, but we should be frank: large dedicated Islamic areas are a threat to America.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 30 April 2025 We’ve been warning about the rise of Islam on the show, to great amount of backlash. We don’t care, that’s what we do here. And we said that Islam is not compatible with western civilization.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 24 June 2025 On religion There is no separation of church and state. It’s a fabrication, it’s a fiction, it’s not in the constitution. It’s made up by secular humanists.– The Charlie Kirk Show, 6 July 2022 For some, acknowledging that he “reaped what he sowed” feels like an uncomfortable but honest recognition of cause and effect. Gaslit for Feeling Sympathy Ambivalence Most of the people I've talked to since this horrible event who are experiencing sympathy ambivalence are horrified by the brutal act of political violence and believe no one should have their life ended by a bullet. Yet, these folks also mentioned the hateful rhetoric Kirk spread daily, rhetoric that endangered children, mocked survivors of school shootings, and painted political opponents as enemies of the state. Charlie Kirk's rhetoric put him at high risk of political violence. We know this from our history. JFK, Malcolm X, MLK, RFK, Evers—all political casualties because other Americans hated what they stood for. Because of our leaders' poor handling of tragedies like this, Americans are now trying to gaslight other Americans into believing that even acknowledging all of Kirk's rhetorical contradictions is somehow un-American or inhumane; more evil. Feeling conflicted does not mean anyone is condoning violence; it means recognizing reality: People are allowed to grieve the illegal violence of an assassination while also admitting that Kirk’s own words helped cultivate the toxic climate that made him a target. This cartoon depicts one of the reasons people express sympathy ambivalence. WARNING: POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE CONTENT THAT DEPICTS KIRK FACING CHILDREN KILLED BY GUNS IN HEAVEN. It’s important to name this ambivalence because pretending it doesn’t exist only deepens the divide. But here’s the truth: condemning Kirk’s rhetoric does not justify his murder. Both can be true: Charlie Kirk's words were destructive, and his violent death is unacceptable. Understanding that complexity allows us to stay grounded in reality rather than being swept into the kind of black-and-white thinking that fuels authoritarian movements. What We Must Do Now The path forward cannot be one of silence or apathy. If we truly want to stop this slide toward violence and protect American democracy at risk , WE THE PEOPLE must take meaningful but non-violent action. We must start by acknowledging these truths: Charlie Kirk did not deserve to be assassinated Nobody deserves that. NOBODY. Kirk put himself at high risk of political violence, and that's tragic. Some unstable dude took the worst kind of action against Charlie. A much better way to have handled one's dislike of Charlie Kirk's rhetoric would have been to debate him. Shooting him was the coward's way out. Stop judging how others FEEL about it Unless someone is in your inner circle and their feelings directly affect you, just stop. Our feelings are never WRONG; where we get in trouble is how we behave because of how we feel. If someone is deeply sad that a young man—a human being—was murdered in cold blood, let them be. If they're angry, confused, disgusted, or afraid—those feelings aren't wrong. If they start saying WE'RE AT WAR and other ridiculous claims, call them on the BEHAVIOR and not the FEELINGS. " Hey, you seem really pissed off about the Kirk assassination. Rage-baiting isn't helpful; talk to me and tell me what's going on? " and then JUST BE A GREAT LISTENER. A great way to diffuse rage is just listening—" uh huh, I'm so sorry you're so angry." "This is definitely a horrible situation." "I totally understand why you're so upset by this." You don't have to AGREE one iota! Just LISTEN. Shake your head up and down; forget the subject and remember that Charlie was a young man who didn't have enough life under his belt to put all the pieces together. He said really awful things and, unfortunately, that turned a lot of people off to his support of liberty for all. You may be one of them, and that's ok. If you're a Kirk fan and you're angry about this, you're having a normal response to a horrific situation. What's NOT normal is to talk of meeting violence with violence. Plotting to "clean out the trash" on Decatur Road (a Gone With The Wind reference) is radical in 2025; get professional help to work through your well-earned rage. It's worth repeating: our feelings are never wrong. We all have control over our behavior. Americans are traumatized WE THE PEOPLE are still in charge, the last I checked. Our elected officials must be pressured to end their hateful behavior towards one another. That means writing to elected officials, demanding accountability from leaders who traffic in lies, and rejecting Trump’s gaslighting that blames Democrats for everything while excusing the dangerous consequences of his own words. How To Contact Your Elected Officials: Things are likely to get worse before they get better. The sooner you take care of YOU, the sooner you'll be able to take meaningful action and bring this to an end. This is Grandpa Bill's purple heart from WW2. I fight for democracy - for truth and justice - to honor him. I love you Grandpa!

Part 2 of 4 of Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery. In this article Introduction The Planning Stage The Assessment Stage The Intervention Stage The Maintenance Stage Next Up: Blueprint in Action, The Reconciliation of Partners A and B