How To Build Sexual Confidence in a Sexless Marriage - Part 2
- Terri Kern
- Jun 23
- 9 min read
Updated: Oct 16
Updated June 23, 2025
Sexless Marriages
A sexless marriage can feel like a silent earthquake – shaking the foundation of your identity as a woman, partner, and sexual being. When intimacy fades, it’s easy to internalize the silence as a reflection of your desirability, worth, or femininity.
But here’s the truth science reveals: Your sexuality is not broken. Your confidence can be rebuilt, even if your marriage remains sexless for now.
Drawing from the revolutionary insights of Emily Nagoski’s "Come As You Are" and Peggy Kleinplatz’s research on "Magnificent Sex," this guide offers a compassionate path back to your sensual, powerful self.
Why Sexless Marriages Hurt Women Differently
We carry unique burdens: societal messages tie our worth to desirability; we’re often expected to be the "gatekeepers" of intimacy; and when sex fades, we’re quick to blame our bodies, aging, or attractiveness.
"Come As You Are" reminds us: Lack of sex is rarely about YOU being "not enough."
Desire is a complex interplay of context, stress, emotional safety, neurobiology (your "accelerators" and "brakes"), and relationship dynamics. Your partner’s lack of interest or "over" interest is almost certainly about their inner world, not your worth.
If you're lacking sexual confidence this free booklet is for you! Discover how embracing your sexual confidence can transform not only your relationship but also your self-perception, as you learn to navigate the complexities of intimacy with newfound understanding and empowerment in "Signs of a Sexually Confident Woman For Beginners.
This is a free resource for all women, even if you know nothing about any of it. My goal is to help you overcome you fear and start to think about it. By providing accessible information and support, I aim to inspire your to take the first steps toward becoming curious about your and fostering a sense of healing and confidence in your journey.
How To Have Sex
For many of us sex doesn't start when our bodies touch nor does it end when we stop. Of course libido ebbs and flows over the lifespan; if partners focus on sex as a verb rather than an act, or a noun, the act itself becomes one of many bids for connection. The bids are mutual gestures of fondness and admiration, which are accepted with gratitude and sometimes declined with respect and empathy.
Those bids are like currency; you deposit them and you withdraw them. Gottman Institute research shows that the more deposits each partner makes into the Fondness and Admiration account, the higher the chances of having a mutually satisfying relationship.
Build Sexual Confidence
At the end of these four short steps, you'll have a solid foundation on which to start your journey toward healthy sexual confidence.
Consider this: What do you know about sex?
Let's start by getting on the same page about what sex is and why it's important. The more uncomfortable it feels thinking and reading about sex, the more critical it is for you to stay with me here!
A review of the “Questions to consider” from Part 1:
What is your understanding of other people enjoying sex with their spouse? What kind of things do you see (media) or hear?
We all have a lens through which we perceive and experience sex. From your early exposure to it to where you are today (feeling rejected or not in the mood) shapes your sexual confidence.
How does a couple create a good sex life? What is included?
It starts with communication. I’ll help you gain the confidence to talk about sex with your partner.
When was the last time you and your partner discussed sex? Was it productive? In that case, you’ve experienced success! If not, what do you need to do to change how you talk about it?
Once you feel confident, I’ll help you learn how to change how you talk about sex!
😊Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! We all have beliefs about sex, from “dirty” to healthy. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely comfortable, and 10 is completely out of your comfort zone, how would you rate your comfort versus embarrassment about sex? If you rate higher, take a deep breath and a big leap of faith with me as I help you get in touch with your sexual confidence. Here’s a crazy thought - grab your partner and work through this together!
1: What is sex?
Sex is a complex concept that can mean different things to different people. Generally speaking, though, sex involves any consensual activity between partners that involves physical contact or stimulation for pleasure or satisfaction. This definition includes kissing, sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, and masturbation.
😊Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! How do you define sex? What’s your mindset regarding sex - is it taboo, or are you open about it? Have you had positive or negative experiences with sex? What are your sexual boundaries, and does your partner know them? Do you? You and your partner could answer these questions and then discuss your answers.
The Psychology Behind Sex
It’s no secret that sex is often seen in a negative light—especially when it comes to women’s sexuality—but it has been proven time and time again that healthy sexuality is incredibly beneficial for both mental and physical health. Not only does regular sexual activity boost serotonin levels (which leads to better moods), but it also helps reduce stress levels and increases libido (which can lead to better performance overall). Additionally, regular orgasms have been linked with better sleep quality and increased fertility rates in women!
The Importance Of Consent
No matter what type of sexual activity you choose to engage in—with or without a partner—it's essential to always obtain consent from your partner(s) before proceeding with any sexual act. Without consent from all parties, sexual contact is considered non-consensual—and therefore illegal—in most countries worldwide. Furthermore, having conversations about consent before any physical contact helps build trust between partners and encourages healthy communication within relationships.
Sex is an incredibly personal experience with no one-size-fits-all definition; what one person considers “sex” may not be the same as someone else’s definition. That being said, understanding the basics can help ensure both partners are on the same page regarding their expectations for each other during sexual encounters. Above all else, remember that consent should always come first! Happy exploring!
2. What is sexual confidence?
Sexual confidence is different for everyone and can mean different things to different people. For some, it might mean being comfortable in their own skin and feeling secure in their ability to please their partner sexually. For others, it could mean the courage to try new things and explore new possibilities with their partner. At its core, sexual confidence is feeling secure and empowered enough to express yourself sexually without fear or shame.
Why Some People Lose Sexual Confidence
For some couples, a sexless marriage can lead to a loss of sexual confidence on both sides due to guilt or insecurity. It could be that one or both partners have lost interest in sex because they feel disconnected or because they’ve grown apart over time. In other cases, one partner may have lost interest due to hormonal changes or physical health issues affecting their libido.
Do you or your partner have any of these common sexual health issues?
Here is how to deal with sexual health issues:
Try this! ⏩This is one of my favorite interventions to help couples start getting into a sexual mindset without the pressure of having sex to start out. Try it here: Cornell Sensate Focus Exercise |
What Does Sex Mean To You?
When trying to reclaim your sexual confidence in a sexless marriage, both partners need to consider what sex means to them individually and together as a couple. This will help you better understand why you’re feeling disconnected from each other sexually and how you can begin rebuilding your connection. Talk openly about what both of you want out of your sex life and discuss ways to work together towards achieving those goals.
😊Think about it! How would you rate your sexual confidence on a scale of 1 - 10, where 1 is very low with no desire and 10 is healthy and ready to go? Does your partner complain or turn you down frequently if you're on the lower end? If you’re on the higher end, do you feel rejected and “act out” when turned down? This would be a great exercise to engage with your partner to help them build THEIR sexual confidence!
3. Transforming How You Feel About Sex
It is also important for both partners to address any negative emotions surrounding sex, such as shame or guilt, so they don’t hinder progress toward rediscovering intimacy with each other again. Take time apart if needed but make sure that when coming back together as a couple, these emotions are addressed so that they don’t continue impacting your relationship negatively going forward.
Helpful Tool: Putting structure around your conversations about sex. Try the GOTTSEX Series: The Art and Science of Lovemaking - Myths about Sex. Read the information together and talk about sex respectfully and inquisitively.
4. Improving Your Sexual Confidence
Sexless marriages can be difficult but not impossible situations; with effort on both sides toward understanding what sexual confidence means for each person involved and working together towards rebuilding the connection between them, couples who find themselves in this situation can regain their lost intimacy once again—and even become stronger than before! Take the time necessary now so that you may look back later at this period fondly as an experience where two people chose to love again over despair and found something beautiful through it all!
Terri's recommendation: Ladies - this book will change your life: Come As You Are; The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. An essential exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.
Terri's recommendation: Guys - do you want some help boosting your confidence? Check this out: A More Self-Confident Man: Strengthen your self-confidence by eliminating negative beliefs, fears, and frustrations. This guide covers everything from imposter syndrome and fear of failure to lack of self-worth. Within these pages, you'll find practical steps to move forward when things go wrong and learn to love yourself throughout all of life's challenges.
😊Think about it! Grab a pen and paper! How do you define sex? What’s your mindset regarding sex - is it taboo, or are you open about it? Have you had positive or negative experiences with sex? What are your sexual boundaries, and does your partner know them? Do you? You and your partner could answer these questions and then discuss your answers.
Be your own counselor! Build your sexual confidence one step at a time! You don’t have to be perfect to be sexy!
What is one small thing you can do or change to improve your sexual confidence?
How can you feel more comfortable in your own skin sexually?
What are some things you can do to help boost your partner's sexual confidence?
Are there any techniques or tricks that have worked to make you more confident in the bedroom?
What advice would you give someone struggling with sexual confidence?
Becoming The Best Version of You
There are ways to improve our sexual confidence that start with assessing where you are today. If you want to take control of your sexless marriage and change it, you need to start by building your sexual confidence. You can do this by self-assessing where you are currently with your sexual health and understanding what sex is and how you feel about it.
If you’re reading this because you want to change your sexless marriage, start making small incremental changes to improve your sexual confidence. One thing you can do immediately is to get any sexual dysfunction issues addressed by talking to a medical professional. STOP IGNORING IT!
These steps will help you move forward in taking control of your sex life and enjoying a more fulfilling experience. So get started today by learning more about yourself and what makes you sexually confident.