Part 2: Reconciliation After Infidelity - Exploring Path 3
- Terri Kern
- Oct 21, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 30
Part 2 of 4 of Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity
Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery.
In this article
Next Up: Blueprint in Action, The Reconciliation of Partners A and B
Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a 4-part series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process and avoid common reconciliation mistakes.
As we advance, I want you to think of the rupture in your relationship regarding treating an illness. For example, what would happen if you went to your doctor because you injured your ankle? They would physically examine it, take x-rays, rule out a bone break, wrap it, and give instructions on how to deal with it when you leave, including ice and heat, perhaps physical therapy, and a follow-up with the doctor after it heals.
The patient has to make changes to get the best outcome - a fully healed ankle. That may include wearing a boot or being off your feet for a time, ice and heat, and prescription medication. Your doctor will order physical or occupational therapy if the injury is more significant. You may try yoga, swimming, and other forms of exercise and be "health-focused." Unfortunately, habits may overshadow motivation, and the patient may not follow any treatment plan. Those people have a much lower chance of fully healing.
Both partners must come into counseling with an open mind, heart, and a commitment to speaking your truth and listening for understanding because defensiveness (blame or deflection) is a communication killer. That doesn't mean you're not experiencing strong emotions! Being MAD at your partner is ok! I encourage my couples to come in with all the feels. In my practice, I don't attempt to change how either feels. Instead, I focus on communicating those feelings from one heart to the other.
Terri's Tip: A couples counselor will know which path the couple is on by the end of the assessment. Find a clinician who completes a thorough assessment before they start to intervene. Sessions should NOT put the counselor in the role of a mediator! The counselor's role is to coach the couple to use the methodology in the session.
From injury to healing, the blueprint of reconciliation after infidelity is similar.
Planning your reconciliation process is the most crucial step you'll take. The early stage of reconciliation can be riddled with common reconciliation mistakes if you attempt to go it alone. Therefore, it's strongly recommended that you talk to a counselor alone or as a couple. On the other hand, suppose you or your partner won't go to counseling to create a reconciliation plan. In that case, you can take that as a sign that this path will be difficult and there is a high probability of being unsuccessful.
Mistake! Couples counseling isn't something for which you sign up. Both partners must commit to fully participating in a thorough assessment, diagnosis, and treatment plan with a clinician who is competent in working with couples.
Choosing a couples counselor skilled at assessment, planning, and interventions that will strengthen the relationship, rebuild trust, and open communication cannot be over-emphasized. Try to find a professional who works just with couples or has training in theories around couples counseling. You can contact potential clinicians and ask them how they approach working with couples. They should answer you promptly and even offer a free 10 - 15 minute consultation so you can ask questions and get a feel for the vibe between you.
Couples counseling sessions are neither a bitch session nor a blame game. Each partner must commit to entering counseling with an open mind, good intentions, and as peaceful a heart as possible, albeit probably broken. Each partner is available for self-discovery and accountability and demonstrates empathy for the other person. Both partners have a mix of strong emotions, feel numb, or feel apathetic. Couples counseling work includes prioritizing healthy communication so those feelings can be identified, resolved, and forgiven.
The Assessment Stage
Couples counseling starts with your counselor gathering information from both of you together and individually. Similar to the processes your medical doctor follows when you're sick, the assessment includes an intake interview together as a couple, individual interviews, and research-based in-depth intake tools like the Gottman Relationship Checkup. We use data to identify relationship strengths and the underlying issues that need attention.
The purpose of assessment in couples counseling is to identify the areas where the couple needs help and to develop a treatment plan to address these areas. Without a proper assessment, it isn't easy to know what type of help the couple needs and how best to provide it. A competent couples counselor will use the relationship strengths to resolve the areas where the couple needs help.
Assessment involves evaluating both partners' psychological states and their relationship dynamics. This information is used to identify any underlying issues contributing to the couple's problems. Once these issues are identified, the therapist can work with the couple to address them.
If an assessment is not done correctly, it can lead to ineffective or harmful treatment. For example, suppose the therapist does not understand the dynamics of the relationship. In that case, they may inadvertently blame one partner for the problems or try to change things that are not causing difficulties.
The assessment phase is essential to the reconciliation process because it allows the counselor to give the relationship a "diagnosis." Finally, treatment planning lays out the reconstruction path through research-based and real-time interventions versus anecdotal exercises that put a bandaid on a gaping wound. It should end with your counselor working with both partners on a treatment plan, which includes committing to two things: Having an open mind and making the work a priority. Assessment helps the couple avoid common reconciliation mistakes.
The Intervention Phase
This phase starts with understanding the assessment outcomes: A clinical "diagnosis" your counselor gives based on research and science. I use the information I gather during the joint and individual interviews, the output of any evaluations the partners complete, and any other pertinent information like drug and alcohol screens to give a diagnosis of the problem and the recommended treatment plan.
The partners and counselor set treatment goals, and the counselor prescribes interventions to help the couple communicate better with each other. The dialogue must shift from triadic (three) to dyadic (two), meaning the counselor quickly butts out of the conversation and coaches the couple as they talk directly. These conversations are neither a bitch session nor do we play the blame game. Each partner identifies and speaks their truth. Each partner leans into the conflict and listens to the other person with empathy, openness, and understanding - that does NOT mean agreement. It is not condoning the affair behavior. Consider it akin to surgery, physical therapy, or any other physical ailment - the doctor intervenes with the treatment. This is where the hard work begins.
The Intervention Phase is complex, and things may get harder before they improve. It takes an effort to stay calm, present, and embrace change. Your counselor is there to help you learn how to self-soothe, lean into the conflict, gain confidence in resolving problems that can be solved, and accept issues where there is no clear answer.
Terri's Tip: If you're having difficulty opening up, staying calm, and speaking your truth - any obstacles you recognize in YOURSELF - tell the counselor and work through them. The goal is to get out of the dysfunctional communication patterns and retrain your brain to be a good communicator.
This phase ends when the couple experiences consistent and frequent (by their definition) meaningful dialogue and reports good progress towards feeling the space between them is healthy, fulfilling, and safe. In addition, the couple's competency in raising a complaint or expressing a need strengthens as each conversation occurs.
Many couples evolve to the point where they skip the fighting; Partner A raises a complaint about Partner B by speaking their truth: (I miss spending time with you!) and asking for what they want (Can you cut down on the amount of time you work when you're home for a while?) and showing empathy (I know how crazy your job is and I want to help support you more than just being ok with you working so much) and how it would make you feel (I would be so happy to go for a hike with you this weekend!)
Then, a conversation can begin.
Partner B's response is something like this: validating (I miss you too! I feel the same way!), responding to the request (I have a new client who is really demanding currently. I'll be done with that project next week. Let's go out and celebrate after it's done!), negotiating (Oh, you have a work event this week that you want me to attend. I will do everything I can to try and make it work; it seems really important to you). Be honest (I might not be able to pull it off, how would you feel about that?). Be present (I understand why you want me there, which means a lot to me. Tell me what the event is for? Why is this so important to you? I appreciate you including me).
It's not rocket science. The interventions are simple. Implementing them is not easy. If you want to be successful, do the work. Avoid common reconciliation mistakes and do the work.
The Maintenance Phase
This phase begins when the couple reports consistent and stable communication (that doesn't mean they agree on everything!), and the problems identified during the assessment phase are no longer bottlenecked. Both partners report they are no longer in gridlock. I describe this phase as creating a peaceful place for your partner to land, no matter the circumstance.
By the time couples get to this phase, each partner has the skills to solve problems that can be solved and accept issues that don't have an easy solution by leaving the dialogue open and empathizing with the opposing partner. In the next section, I'll walk through how it works.
This series of posts explores the path of reconciliation after infidelity. Successful reconciliation requires both partners commit to working with a couples counselor to put structure around the repair.
Coming next: Part 3 of 4 - Blueprint in Action: Reconciliation for Partners A and B
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