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Uncovering the Hidden Challenge of Alcohol Abuse In Women

And How Emotional Regulation Can Help


The Kern Family is known for our wonderful parents, Bunny and Ernie, being great neighbors, and being close to one another.


We are also known to throw great parties where there was an abundance of music, food, and alcohol. We are a party family. We don't need a reason to throw a party, they just sort of pop up now and again.


Alcohol and me don't get along as of this writing and I rarely consume it these days. However, I gave it a really good go for a really long time. There was a time when I'd come home from work and, while making dinner, I'd have a scotch and soda.


Or three. Every. single. day. Sometimes even four.


A child's drawing of a martini
A picture my daughter drew circa 1997

I thought it was ok because I was doing all the things - working, paying bills, living in a nice house, raising my daughter, and living my life. I had a great life and I earned a couple of drinks dammit! I had a real pity party going for myself most of the time, telling myself how stressed I was and that there was no hope in sight.


Looking back, it was me feeling emotionally dysregulated, inattentive on what was happening in the present moment, and having poor skills to get myself focused and building distress tolerance.


A Personal Awakening With Alcohol


I grew up in a very traditional family. Bunny was SAH and Ernie worked a regular schedule. Bunny had dinner cooking when Ernie got home around 5:30. She told him - you have one hour for cocktails and after dinner you're done.


A crazy boundary to give an alcoholic.


Ernie would drink a pint of whiskey in that hour. He's be pretty wasted by dinner time and often get in trouble for talking with food in his mouth, a rule he would have flipped out about when we were little kids. To see him doing it was unsettling to my mother.


Now, Bunny was funnier than most comedians so she turned it into humor and would share dinner stories with an enthralled audience. Ernie would shake his head and they'd end up laughing together.


That's where I got my "fast drinking" skill and I'd do the same thing. Alcoholism is passed along through generations. The difference is that my dad would wake up the next day and not skip a beat.


Me, not so much. I felt tired, anxious, and overwhelmed. I didn't know it yet, but alcohol was sucking the life out of me.


Is Alcohol A Stimulant?


Many people wonder, “Is alcohol a stimulant or a depressant?”—especially when that first glass of wine seems to take the edge off and boost your mood.


The truth is, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, not a stimulant.


That initial burst of energy or confidence comes from alcohol suppressing your brain’s inhibitory systems, which can temporarily reduce anxiety and make you feel more social.


However, as blood alcohol levels rise, so does its sedating effect. Over time, regular drinking leads to emotional depletion—disrupting sleep, lowering serotonin, and increasing irritability, anxiety, and fatigue. What feels like a moment of relief often leaves women feeling more dysregulated and exhausted than before.


Ladies, our bodies are the most important thing in the universe. Seriously - every single one of us. Whether or not we do it, we're all designed to grow human life, get that life safely into this world, feed it and grow it some more, and then pay for its college 18 years later.


While running on a total lack of relaxation - the complete lack of mental, physical, and emotional tension for a period of time.




These pictures of drinks are straight off of my personal social media page. I put them here to make a point about how screwed up it is that we use alcohol to self-soothe.


That's not criticism on me or you - it's a societal norm that is expected of us.


My favorite drink used to be Johnny Walker Black and club soda with lime. My father taught me that a "lady" (lol) orders her cocktail by brand and with a twist. Ernie grew up in the country club scene and our family were members of The Toledo Club, my favorite club in the world and I've been to many around the globe for my work.


My job in my former life was for a global company and I attended many high-level functions in the most beautiful places in the world. I've eaten the best food and consumed many cocktails on countless menus. I've partied with coworkers from coast to coast and we still laugh about our shennanigans today.


After 1995 I made it a point not to drink at all in professional settings and I got a lot of shit for it. I'd order a club soda with a lime, no booze to get people off of my back about not drinking. Professional peer pressure is real at every level!


Take the All About Alcohol Quiz!

The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Alcohol


We’ve all heard the justifications: “It’s just beer,” “Vodka doesn’t smell,” or “It’s 5:00 somewhere.”  But these casual phrases often mask deeper patterns of emotional avoidance.


Let’s break down the most common lies—and the truth behind them.


“It’s Just Beer”

You’ve heard it—or said it—before. I have!


But alcohol is alcohol, whether it’s in a pint glass or a shot glass. So if you’ve ever Googled “what alcohol is in Twisted Tea” or “what alcohol is in White Claw,” here’s your answer: most hard teas, seltzers, and coolers contain the same ethanol found in hard liquor.


Wondering “how much is a fifth of alcohol?” It’s enough to interfere with your brain chemistry for days. Beer and flavored beverages aren’t safer—they’re just easier to overlook.

“Vodka Doesn’t Have a Smell”

“It’s 5:00 Somewhere”

“I Can Stop Anytime I Want”

“Wine Is Healthy”

“Alcohol Helps Me Sleep”

“Everyone Drinks Like This”

“I Deserve It After the Day I’ve Had”

“Alcohol Helps Me Be Social”


Emotional Regulation: A Vital Anchor To Address Alcohol Abuse


Emotional regulation, particularly for women, refers to the conscious and unconscious processes used to recognize, understand, manage, and respond adaptively to emotional experiences.


It's not about suppressing or eliminating emotions, but rather developing a healthy relationship with them – experiencing the full range of feelings while navigating them effectively without being overwhelmed or resorting to harmful behaviors (like alcohol use).


Why Emotional Regulation is Especially Key to Addressing Alcohol Abuse in Women


  • Heightened Vulnerability to Emotional Triggers: Women often experience higher rates of co-occurring mood disorders (depression, anxiety), trauma histories, and chronic stress related to caregiving, work-life balance, and societal expectations. These intense emotions can become powerful triggers for drinking.


  • Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism: Many women initially use alcohol to numb difficult emotions (sadness, anxiety, anger, shame), escape overwhelming stress, or manage social discomfort. It becomes a maladaptive, short-term "solution" that worsens the problem long-term.


  • The Neurobiological Loop: Alcohol disrupts the brain's natural emotional regulation systems (like the prefrontal cortex and amygdala). Chronic use impairs the ability to manage emotions without alcohol, creating a vicious cycle: drink to cope -> impaired regulation -> stronger negative emotions -> urge to drink again.


  • Social & Cultural Factors: Societal pressures on women to be caregivers, suppress anger, or maintain perfectionism can make expressing and processing emotions healthily challenging, increasing reliance on substances.


  • Faster Progression ("Telescoping"): Women often progress from first use to dependency faster than men and experience more severe health consequences. Effective emotional regulation can interrupt this accelerated progression.


How Emotional Regulation Skills Helped Me


Attention Deficit Disorder typically looks different in boys versus girls; boys are hyperactive and girls are inattentive.


I am both - I have a stim, which is rocking back and forth. I'm probably on the spectrum. My brain is wired to be a volcano like most people with ADHD. We have no control over that.


Neurospicy, baby!


While being neurodivergent can be my superpower, it reeked all kinds of havoc on my for pretty much the first half of my life. Suspended from high school for skipping because I was struggling academically, struggled through college, forgot to take birth control and got pregnant (gasp!), daydreamed my time away, afraid of the world so I made my world super small. missed opportunities, etc.


A whole lot of acting out behavior that made things a whole lot worse for me. Jobs, friends, relationships came and went for many years. And the whole world was against me and everything was everyone else's fault. I was totally in my head - my amygdala was hijacked from birth until I learned these skills in my forties.


Don't wait that long!


Skills for Emotional Regulation For Women Struggling with Alcohol Abuse


There are four skills for emotional regulation to help women kick the alcohol habit: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness.


These evidence-based skills were developed in the 80s by Marsha Linehan, PhD. Treatment using this skills is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and is the gold standard of treatment for patients who suffer from personality disorders.


They work. Here's how:


  • Mindfulness

    Mindfulness helps you notice more, react less, and choose differently when it comes to alcohol. It's about paying gentle attention to what's happening now.

    • Spot cravings earlier: Notice that "I want a drink" feeling as it starts, not when it's overwhelming.

    • Pause before pouring: Create a tiny space between feeling the urge and actually reaching for the drink. Ask: "Do I really need this right now?"

    • Break the autopilot habit: Catch yourself before you automatically open the wine while cooking or after work. Choose instead.

    • See your triggers clearly: Notice what really makes you want a drink (stress, loneliness, boredom, certain people/situations).

    • Ride out the urge: Watch the craving like a wave – feel it rise, peak, and fade without acting on it. It passes.

    • Ground yourself in the moment: Use your senses right now (What do you see? Hear? Feel?) to calm down instead of numbing out.

    • Be kinder to yourself: Notice self-critical thoughts ("I'm weak," "I failed") without believing them. This reduces shame-driven drinking.


  • Distress Tolerance

    Distress Tolerance gives you tools to handle crisis moments without alcohol. It's about getting through the storm, not necessarily stopping the rain.

    • Feel feelings without freaking out: Notice anger, stress, or sadness without letting them push you straight to the bottle. "This is stress, not an emergency."

    • Survive intense urges: Get through overwhelming cravings or painful emotions without drinking, just for this moment.

    • Distract wisely: Temporarily shift focus away from the urge (call a friend, watch a funny clip, clean a drawer).

    • Soothe your senses: Calm your body right now (hold ice, smell something strong, take a hot/cold shower).

    • Improve the moment: Make a tough situation slightly better (hum a tune, look at nature pics, repeat a calming word).

    • Accept "right now": Acknowledge "This feeling is awful, but I don't have to fix it with a drink this minute."

    • Remember "This will pass": Urges and distress feel permanent, but they always fade if you don't feed them with alcohol.

    • Prevent making it worse: Avoid actions that create bigger problems (like drinking to numb pain, which leads to more pain).


  • Emotional Regulation

    Emotional Regulation helps you understand, manage, and respond to your feelings in healthier ways – so you don't need alcohol to cope. It's about being the boss of your emotions, not the other way around.

    • Name your feelings: Say "I'm stressed" or "I'm lonely" out loud or in your head. This takes their power away.

    • Don't let feelings boss you around: Feel anger, sadness, or boredom without letting them force you to drink. "I feel ___, but I choose not to act on it."

    • Calm your body first: Use quick tricks like deep breathing or splashing cold water on your face when emotions feel too big.

    • Challenge the "drink now!" thought: Ask: "Is this feeling really an emergency? Will alcohol actually fix it, or make it worse later?"

    • Find healthy outlets: Express feelings instead of numbing them – try journaling, a quick walk, or talking it out.

    • Be your own friend: Talk kindly to yourself when struggling ("This is hard, but I'm doing my best"), not harshly ("I'm weak").

    • Learn your patterns: Notice which emotions (stress? loneliness?) most often trigger your urge to drink.

    • Reduce emotional intensity: Practice skills before crises so everyday stress doesn't build up and scream for alcohol.


  • Interpersonal Effectiveness

    Interpersonal Effectiveness helps you navigate relationships and social pressure confidently – so you can protect your choices and reduce drinking triggers. It's about building stronger connections without the crutch.

    • Say "no" to that drink easily: Politely decline offers without guilt or over-explaining. ("No thanks, I'm good!")

    • Ask for support clearly: Tell trusted people exactly how they can help you (e.g., "Can we meet for coffee instead of drinks?").

    • Handle pressure smoothly: Stay firm when others push you to drink, without getting defensive or giving in.

    • Set boundaries around drinking: Be clear about your limits (e.g., "I won't go to bars for now," "Please don't bring wine to my house").

    • Resolve conflict soberly: Deal with arguments or tension without using alcohol to avoid or escalate.

    • Keep chats calm without booze: Manage anxiety in social situations using conversation skills, not liquid courage.

    • Protect your sobriety goals: End conversations or leave situations that feel too risky for your drinking goals.

    • Reduce relationship stress: Solve problems and express needs directly, so you're less tempted to drink to cope.


Be patient with your progress. Small steps add up:


  • Noticed a trigger? That’s awareness.

  • Paused before reacting? That’s growth.

  • Chose a walk over wine? That’s victory.


Every effort counts. Every emotion you lean into—without alcohol—strengthens your resilience. Keep exploring what works for you. You’re not just building skills; you’re reclaiming your power.


You deserve this journey. Be gentle with yourself on the way.




Immediate Crisis Support


  • 🚨 National Helplines (24/7, Free & Confidential):

    • SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (Treatment referrals, English/Spanish)

    • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (Press 1 for Veterans)

    • Crisis Text Line: Text "HELLO" to 741741

  • 💊 Medical Detox Guidance:Contact your doctor or ER immediately if experiencing:

    • Severe withdrawal symptoms (seizures, hallucinations)

    • Suicidal thoughts

    • Alcohol withdrawal can be life-threatening—never quit cold turkey without medical supervision.


Specialized Treatment Programs for Women



Peer Support Communities


  • 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧 Women-Specific Groups:

    • Women for Sobriety (WFS): womenforsobriety.orgNon-spiritual, empowerment-based meetings (online/in-person).

    • LifeRing Secular Recovery: lifering.orgGender-separated groups; science-based approach.

  • 🤝 Inclusive Support Groups:

    • SMART Recovery: smartrecovery.orgCognitive-behavioral tools (free online meetings).

    • Tempest (Online): jointempest.comFeminist, trauma-informed recovery program ($).


Mental Health & Trauma Resources



Books & Educational Tools


  • 📚 Science-Based Reading:

  • 📱 Apps for Accountability:

    • I Am Sober: Track progress, community support.

    • Reframe: Neuroscience-based daily coaching.


Financial & Practical Aid



Key Considerations for Women


  • Biological Factors: Women develop alcohol-related health issues faster than men.

  • Stigma: Fear of judgment (especially as mothers/caregivers) delays seeking help.

  • Hormonal Links: Alcohol worsens PMDD, perimenopause, and mental health.

  • Safety: Prioritize programs with trauma-trained staff (>70% of women in treatment report abuse histories).

Recovery isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Your worth isn’t defined by your struggles. Support exists, and healing is possible.

For local resources:


🔍 Search: "Women's substance abuse help near me" + "[Your County] low-cost rehab"💡

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