I Hate My Parents! Why Millennials Are Going No Contact
- Terri Kern
- Aug 3
- 16 min read
Updated: Sep 13
I totally got sucked into a heated debate recently after I saw a post on social media that read "I hate my parents!" It sparked my interest to find out why millennials are choosing to go no contact with their parents, as the concept has become increasingly visible in cultural conversations.
While hard data proving a long-term rise is limited, I have observed anecdotal evidence of this trend increasing in my private practice.
I am cusper - I was born in 1964 and consider myself a GenXer but am technically a "late" Boomer; my three older siblings are definitely Boomers and my little sister and I are really GenXers. The older sibs have 4 kids between them and my little sis and I have a daughter each.
I also went no contact with my mother for seven years; from 1995 until September 11, 2001, when I cancelled my business trip because my daughter's appendix ruptured and had to have emergency surgery. Yes, THAT September 11 and that's a blog for a different day.
The first person I called was my mother and the silence was broken. I knew the whole time she loved me, and she knew I loved her too.
The years I wasn't in contact with her and my entire family were profound for me. Initially full of sadness, I had to stand on my own two feet without my family's support and it was hard. And it was freeing, and confidence building, and full of growth and self discovery.
Not everyone gets the same benefit.
Theme | Boomer Quote | Millennial Quote |
Respect & Boundaries | “You have our love, but we have a right to be treated respectfully and have our boundaries too! If we have to parent on only the kids’ conditions, but ours are not acknowledged, then there is still a relationship problem. Relationships need to be equally balanced with love and respect.” | “The lack of self awareness from these commentors is crazy and sad. You guys do realize that your kids’ inability to communicate they’re hurt or frustrated with you is because you yourself never taught them how by doing it yourself.” |
Deep Hurt & Feeling Unheard | “I have felt physically sick by the barrage of complaints from my daughter as I tried to connect with her… somehow I didn’t care enough by grieving my mother… I’m broken.” | “I will never ever be good enough. My Mother just squashed my feeling again, in the most cruel voice and said things that would make the devil seem like a fairy.” |
Moving On / Distance | “There is a movement of enough is enough. It’s time to move on.” | “I chose to thrive either way. But serious question — ever wonder if we’re the ones causing the ‘harm’ you mentioned so they leave?” |
Conditional Love | “My best friend said something to me during this continued time of pain. She said adult children don’t deserve unconditional love. That has really made me think.” | “The estrangement happened after a lifetime of apologizing for things the child never did and being an emotional crutch for the parents. They set a boundary and stopped doing it.” |
Desire for Healing | “If reconciliation is what you wish and hope for never give up sweetheart. Family is important and worth fighting for.” | “I still strongly believe, if both can’t be happy together one is gonna thrive. I chose to thrive either way.” |
There is an overwhelming sentiment among Millennials that their Boomer parents are narcissistic and emotionally unavailable.
“I ghosted my narcissistic mom almost a year ago now because of (not taking accountability), and what finally pushed me over the edge was when she was very cruel to my daughter, her granddaughter. "I know (my parents) are complete narcissists who complain about never seeing their grandkids but yet never put in any effort to even try.” “The way (my parents) manipulate and lie is just mind blowing to say the least… They have tried playing the whole ‘we were there for you whenever you needed something’ growing which now I call BS.” “...You might be interested in the book Generation of Sociopaths. It does such a wonderful job of making a data-backed argument about (the Boomer generation) that I had to put it down when I was about 1/3 the way in, because it was so irritating.”
Likewise, I see Boomers express their beliefs that Millennials are the generation of narcissists:
“Our child(ren) do owe us honor and respect. It’s the fifth commandment and the only one that has a promise of long life for children who do.” “Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5 KJV which describes narcissism and says it’s a sign of the end times. Narcissism is epidemic and everyone needs to research the different types and traits to know how to deal with it.” “But I do pray for (my daughter) daily that God will heal her of the demonic spirit of narcissism.” “Please research the various types of narcissism because this is what’s behind the estrangements. I learned my daughter is a covert narcissist. She has all nine traits. Narcissists lack love and empathy.” “Because (the Millennial generation) are narcissists. Narcissists have no desire for resolution or a healthy relationship. They thrive on chaos and abuse. It’s a power trip.”
The phrase “I hate my parents” might sound harsh, but for many young adults, it reflects a deep sense of pain and disconnection. What was once a private struggle has evolved into a broader cultural conversation—particularly among millennials, who are opening up about feeling distant from, or even resentful toward, their Boomer parents.
Parent-child estrangement comes in many forms, from physical separation to emotional distance that can feel just as profound. For some, this divide finds expression in charged statements like “I hate my mom” or silent questions like “Why does my mom hate me?”
These feelings often arise from patterns of family dysfunction, shifting generational values, or unmet needs for boundaries and emotional safety. It's the driver of political polarization.
A complicating factor is the casual use of terms like “narcissistic” to describe emotionally abusive parents. While this term resonates with many trying to make sense of their pain, it’s distinct from the clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Understanding these nuances is critical as we explore why countless individuals are “going no contact with parents” or struggling to mend fractured relationships.
How Common Is Parent-Child Estrangement?
You might be surprised to learn that parent-child estrangement is not uncommon.
A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that approximately 6% of adult children had experienced estrangement from their mothers, while 26% had felt distanced from their fathers.
These separations often began in early adulthood, at an average age of 26 for mothers and 23 for fathers.
Despite the pain behind declarations like “I hate my parents,” most estrangements are not permanent. The study revealed that 81% of individuals who had distanced themselves from their mothers and 69% from their fathers eventually reconnected.
However, the emotional scars left by these ruptures can be lasting, especially in relationships shaped by politics, familial dynamics, gender roles, or socioeconomic factors.
I can't underscore the importance of staying in reality and recognizing that there is ownership on both sides of this issue. Insight and communication are often barriers on the road to estrangement.
If you're feeling sympathy ambivalence about Charlie Kirk's assassination you're not alone. Many people have expressed two things that feel true to them: 1) no human deserves to die like that, and 2) Kirk spread controversial rhetoric that hurt people.
Thus, sympathy ambivalence.
Cultural Gaslighting: How Millennials Became the Scapegoats
In her influential 2019 book, The Gaslighting of the Millennial Generation: How to Succeed in a Society That Blames You for Everything Gone Wrong, C. Fisher reframes “gaslighting” as a cultural and generational dynamic, not just something that happens in personal relationships.
She shines a light on how millennial voices are dismissed and struggles belittled, often with sweeping accusations—blaming this generation for “destroying” industries, being “lazy,” or failing to rise to outdated expectations while, at the same time. The latter often manifests in statements like, "I wish we could go back to the good old days when kids respected their parents because they got spanked!"
Fisher’s goal is clear: to expose this blame game and empower millennials to thrive, even as they’re repeatedly told they’re the problem.
Understanding the “Gaslighting” of Millennials
The Myth of the “Lazy Millennial”
Fisher debunks stereotypes that millennials are lazy, entitled, or fragile. In reality, data shows millennials are working longer hours, weathering more debt, and struggling against higher living costs than previous generations—realities that rarely make the headlines.
Economic Realities vs. Nostalgia Economics
Instead of simply not “working hard enough,” millennials have inherited steep student loan debt, stagnant wages, and runaway housing costs. These economic forces are overlooked in favor of nostalgia for an easier economic era.
Cultural Blame and the Media Machine
Media narratives like “millennials killed insert name industry” echo constantly, taking a toll on collective mental health and self-worth. This constant blaming fosters a climate of shame and pressure that many millennials internalize.
Generational Tension: Boomers, Gen X, and Millennials
Fisher explores how generational divides deepen misunderstandings. Millennials’ priorities, including mental health and work-life balance, are often labeled as weak or unrealistic by older generations, widening the chasm even further.
The Psychology of Being Gaslit
What Gaslighting Does to a Generation
The collective impact? Emotional exhaustion, burnout, and persistent self-doubt. Being scapegoated for systemic problems leads many millennials to question their worth or capabilities, fueling anxiety and making it even harder to speak up for themselves.
Internalizing the Blame
Repeated exposure to this blame can lead to internalized shame. Millennials sometimes begin to believe that their struggles—especially with mental health or career uncertainty—are their own fault, rather than the byproduct of broader economic and cultural shifts.
Breaking the Gaslighting Cycle
Fisher encourages her readers to recognize these cultural patterns, naming them for what they are: gaslighting. Awareness, she argues, is the first step in freeing oneself from inherited guilt or misplaced self-criticism.
Politics as a Contributor to Estrangement
In "Fault Lines," Karl Pillemer touches on various factors that contribute to estrangement within families, and politics emerges as a significant theme. The book illustrates how differing political beliefs can create rifts among family members, leading to emotional distance and conflict.
Looking at election demographics in 2024 Boomers represented 51% of the overall vote for Trump. Statistically Millennials voted Democrat in the same time period. We're all suffering from political trauma; Boomers think they're losing something by allowing humanity to evolve and Millennials are angry towards the ignorance.
How To Talk To Your MAGA Parents - Click Here To Download for Free!
Impact of Political Differences
Polarization: Political polarization has exacerbated existing tensions, making it difficult for family members to engage in constructive dialogue.
Identity and Values: Political beliefs often tie closely to personal identity and values, which can lead to feelings of betrayal or misunderstanding when family members hold opposing views.
Communication Breakdown: Discussions about politics quickly escalate into arguments, hindering effective communication and fostering resentment.
Social Media Influence: The role of social media in amplifying political opinions has led to increased estrangement, as individuals feel pressured to align with certain ideologies or distance themselves from dissenting views.
Estrangement is More Than One Issue
Joshua Coleman, PhD, in his 2024 book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, highlights how a growing number of adult children are choosing to go no contact with parents. Estrangement is not usually driven by a single cause; instead, it often involves a mix of emotional neglect, unresolved conflicts, and cultural clashes about politics, religion, or identity.
At the heart of many estrangements is the issue of boundaries. For a lot of adult children, choosing no contact is not about punishing a parent but about self-protection and emotional survival. Reaching that point is usually a last resort, after repeated attempts to set healthier boundaries have failed.
A transgender Millennial's father says to her, "Just give Trump a chance," the day after Executive Orders are signed issuing sweeping bans of LGBTQ+ rights. This client asked her parents repeatedly not to discuss Trump or politics with her. Is it the adult child's responsibility to let "dad be dad" and speak his mind, or the father's responsibility to show empathy towards the child he created?
Coleman emphasizes that parents on the receiving end of estrangement experience a unique kind of grief—mourning someone who is still alive. Feelings of shame, confusion, and isolation are common, and are often made worse by social stigma.
Instead of entering a cycle of blame—whether directed at themselves or their children—Coleman encourages parents to start with understanding. Healing typically begins when parents step into their child’s shoes, even when the child’s perspective feels painful or unfair.
Repair, he explains, is not about endless apologies or desperate gestures. True reconciliation comes from genuine self-reflection and a willingness to ask, “What does my child need from me right now?” rather than “How can I get my child back?”
Respecting an adult child’s autonomy, honoring their boundaries (even when it hurts), and communicating without hidden agendas sets the groundwork for possible healing.
Not every estrangement will end, and that’s okay. Coleman urges parents to find support, seek therapy, and redefine what family can mean, if needed.
And in cases where reconnection does happen, progress is usually slow. Small, consistent acts of respect and empathy will do far more than dramatic interventions.
Why Millennials Say “I Hate My Parents”
The reasons millennials express resentment toward their parents are rarely simple. These feelings often stem from deep hurt, frustration, or years of unmet emotional needs.
Emotionally Abusive Parents
Emotional abuse is a common catalyst for estrangement. Studies show that three-quarters of adults who distanced themselves from their mothers and nearly 60% from their fathers did so to escape manipulation, invalidation, or relentless criticism. Many adult children reflect on their pain with questions like “Why does my mom hate me?” or “Why can’t my dad show empathy?”
Toxic Behaviors
The term “narcissist” has become shorthand for parents who control, belittle, or treat their children as extensions of themselves. While not every difficult parent meets the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the label captures the experience of being denied boundaries or compassion.
Mental Health and Intergenerational Trauma
Mental health struggles—whether in parents or children—can create rifts that feel impossible to bridge. Intergenerational trauma, often unaddressed, can distort even well-intentioned relationships.
Clashing Values and Life Choices
Millennials and Boomers grew up in vastly different worlds, leading to clashes over politics, career paths, relationships, or parenting styles. These ideological gaps can deepen resentment and make reconciliation harder.
Divorce and Family Dynamics
Divorce and blended families often add layers of complexity to parent-child relationships. For some, divided loyalties and a lack of emotional safety drive the choice to go no contact.
Parenting Through Generations: Why the Divide Feels So Wide
Generational context is crucial to understanding family dynamics. Baby Boomers were often raised by authoritarian parents who prioritized discipline over emotional expression.
Not to mention that they got married, had kids, and a career, house, and cars at a young age.
Many - and by "many" I mean me too - adopted these strict parenting styles, while others swung to the opposite extreme, embracing “helicopter parenting” in an effort to be more involved in their children’s lives. That was me too. I was an authoritarian helicopter mom. I was a hot mess!
Jesus, my poor daughter. She turned out pretty awesome though. However, she rebelled like James Dean during her teen years. It makes total sense to me now.
Millennials, in contrast, emphasize emotional wellbeing and egalitarian relationships with their own children, rejecting fear-based discipline. Yet, this shift has its challenges—sometimes conflict-avoidant parenting leaves neither parents nor children prepared to handle anger, disappointment, or conflict productively.
These changes in parenting styles are heightened by broader societal narratives.
According to Martin & Roberts (2021), the so-called “Generations at War” media framing pits Boomers as “selfish beneficiaries” of an easier era, while millennials are portrayed as “overgrown children” who struggle with adulthood. This oversimplified dichotomy often erases the real, complex challenges each generation faces and can fuel resentment and misunderstanding between parents and their adult children.
Estranged Boomer parents don't do themselves any favors by taking to social media and blaming their adult kids for the estrangement. Take this Instagram/TikTok user named "Doormat Mom No More."
I don't know this Boomer mother personally nor do I know a lot about her story. She doesn't use her name that I know of; however, can you imagine the horror her adult daughter (that's all I know!) must feel that her mother has taken to social media to discuss their private business in order to be "right?"
In my Boomer world being RIGHT is so important, even at the expense of creating a pathway to reconciliation.
For Doormat Mom, if her daughter is indeed a flawed person who is "without the desire or skills" (her words in another video) to fix your conflict, I ask - who raised her? As a clinical counselor and as a former estranged adult child, I know there is responsibility on both sides and until DM owns up to that and acknowledges it her daughter will stay far away.
If my mother would have started an account like this I can tell you that I wouldn't have made that phone call the day my daughter almost lost her life. In my opinion this woman has very low insight and is engaged in the blame game cloaked in finding her voice. I hope she finds a better way to express her pain.
On top of generational tension which all generations experience, millennials’ journeys often look different from those of their parents. Delayed milestones—like marrying, having children, or buying a home—are not indicators of irresponsibility or lack of ambition.
Instead, many millennials are simply navigating steeper economic hurdles: skyrocketing housing prices, heavy student debt, and stagnant wages have made traditional adult milestones harder to achieve. This is NOT a political statement here but a fact - meaning I'm not suggesting it was right or wrong:
When Biden was President he recognized the challenges millennials face versus when he was young which is where the student loan forgiveness stuff came from. He made an attempt to level the playing field a bit with minimum impact on the economy. We all know that most people's student loan debt includes a hefty amount of fees and interest in relation to the principle.
When Boomers interpret these delays through the lens of what their experiences were like, they're known to read millennial struggles as laziness or refusal to “grow up,” deepening the sense of disconnect within families.
It’s tempting to blame generational differences for family conflicts, but the truth is far more nuanced. The stereotype of Boomers as the “Me Generation” — popularized by Twenge & Campbell’s The Narcissism Epidemic (2009) — suggests that Boomers helped encourage a broader cultural shift toward self-focus during the postwar years, fueled by prosperity and the self-esteem movement of the 1970s and 1980s.
Early Boomers, in particular, were raised in environments where material comfort and permissiveness were championed by parents who wanted to make up for the hardships of the Depression era.
Recent research (Wetzel, Donnellan & Robins, 2018) also highlights that changes in self-esteem and self-focus are shaped by much more than personal traits. Historical forces—like postwar economic growth, the civil rights movement, and consumer culture—were powerful shapers of attitudes and expectations across all generations, not just Boomers.
Finally, research from Michigan State University (Psychology and Aging, 2019) suggests that traits like hypersensitivity and self-importance actually decrease with age. While some Boomer parents may display narcissistic tendencies, sweeping labels often oversimplify the rich complexity—both the flaws and the strengths—that make up family history and personal identity.
Is Therapy to Blame for Estrangement?
So, this is the point I got sucked into this subject - where the estranged start to blame the therapist for the estrangement.
One woman said her daughter's therapist told her to write her a "breakup" letter and cut the relationship off. To which I asked if her daughter's therapist told her that directly. Because we are about keeping families together, not tearing them apart and we ESPECIALLY don't EVER tell a person what to do. No, she didn't hear that from the therapist, she stated. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that perhaps her daughter may have said that. I hear that a lot - "I told my husband that Terri said....<insert whatever topic here>." We get blamed for a lot. Short of telling you not to harm yourself or someone else we do not have that kind of power over people.
The woman went on to tell me that therapists validate versus challenge the feelings of millennials and that bad therapists entertain the notion of estrangement, like we plant that seed into the heads of our clients.
You can go on any social media account of a parent who has been estranged by their adult child and see the vast, overwhelming lack of insight or ownership these parents possess. They may have legitimate complaints - perhaps they were loving, supportive parents who worked hard to raise their ungrateful adult child. The victim mentality blame game drowns out every shred of the message.
Blame Won’t Build a Bridge
Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict (2024), urges parents to recognize that blame—whether directed at themselves or their children—rarely fosters healing.
Moving beyond the blame cycle means stepping into a place of understanding, even when it feels unfair or deeply painful. True repair often begins when parents set aside “Who’s fault is this?” and instead ask, “What is my child experiencing, and what do they need from me right now?”
Coleman points out that reconciliation is less about dramatic gestures and more about quiet reflection, honoring boundaries, and communicating with respect and without strings attached. Though painful, respecting an adult child’s autonomy is an act of love and maturity. Even if a relationship can’t be fully restored, reframing the family dynamic to center on empathy, honesty, and acceptance can help everyone move forward.
Bridging the “I Hate My Parents” Divide
The pain behind “I hate my parents” deserves understanding, not judgment.
Estrangement rarely stems from a single argument; it’s the result of repeated hurt, unresolved trauma, and unmet emotional needs. Healing is possible, but it requires effort from both sides. For adult children, this might mean setting boundaries while finding compassion for parents shaped by a different era. For parents, it requires listening without defensiveness, reflecting on past behaviors, and asking, “How can I help my child feel heard now?”
While we can’t change the past, we can choose how to move forward. Open communication, self-reflection, and mutual respect are powerful tools for rebuilding damaged relationships. Whether you’ve gone no contact with a parent or are seeking reconciliation, healing is within reach. With empathy, understanding, and hope, families can find new ways to connect.
Reconciliation is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
Drawing from Joshua Coleman’s Rules of Estrangement, it’s important to remember that reconnection is usually a slow process. True rebuilding doesn't come through dramatic interventions, but through small, steady acts of respect and understanding.
Parents are encouraged to respect their child’s autonomy—even when it's painful—and communicate without strings attached. Coleman explains that pressure or quick fixes often backfire, and instead, honoring boundaries with patience builds a healthier foundation for eventual healing.
Not all estrangements will end, and sometimes acceptance and support for new definitions of family become necessary. When reconnection is possible, it unfolds gradually, requiring reflection, humility, and consistent affirmation of each other’s needs and boundaries. Healing, in this light, is a shared journey—one step, one compassionate gesture at a time.
I know from my own experience that owning mistakes and harmful behavior, and a sincere heartfelt I'm so sorry, can open the door to any possibility. Just food for thought!
Bibliography
Coleman, J. (2024). Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.
Fisher, C. (2019). The Gaslighting of the Millennial Generation: How to Succeed in a Society That Blames You for Everything Gone Wrong.
Leung, L. (2013). “Generational Differences in Job Hopping and Social Media Use.”
Martin, P., & Roberts, B. (2021). “Generations at War: Media Narratives and the Generational Divide.”
Moss, B. (2010). “Challenging Generational Stereotypes.”
Syed, M., & Trzesniewski, K. (2016). “Therapy and Generational Estrangement: Clinical Perspectives.”
Trzesniewski, K., & Donnellan, M. B. (2008). “Rethinking ‘Generation Me’: A Study of Cohort Effects from 1976–2006.” Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(1), 20–34.
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement.
Wetzel, E., Donnellan, M. B., & Robins, R. W. (2018). “Histories of Narcissism and Self-Esteem: Structural and Cultural Contexts.”
Journal of Marriage and Family (2023). “Patterns and Prevalence of Parent–Child Estrangement: A Longitudinal Study.”
Social Sciences (2023). “Millennials and the Perception of Narcissistic Parenting.”
Psychology and Aging (2019). “Trajectories of Narcissistic Traits Across the Life Span.”
Newport Institute. “Family Estrangement: Causes and Considerations.” newportinstitute.com