Why Do People Cheat? 3 Things The Cheater Must Do To Repair the Damage
- Terri Kern
- Jul 26
- 12 min read
Updated: Aug 4
This is a case study presented to educate the cheating partner trying to recover from discovery from an affair. Our couple, Tom and Sharon, and their case, is based on real issues I encounter while treating couples in therapy to repair. While the characters "Tom" and "Sharon" aren't real people they accurately represent how partners often sink the repair process by withholding information, staying connected to the affair partner, and trying to move on too quickly.
Cheating is a coping mechanism that a person engages in for one reason: delusion. This article is written for the cheater to help you get your train back on the track after getting caught or fessing up.
The cheater creates a narrative in their mind's eye about the relationship; not getting enough attention, unappreciated for what they do, lack of sexual connection, poor communication and boredom.
That's not to say those dissatisfactions aren't real or true.
One person may cope by turning towards their spouse and having a hard conversation and work towards improving the connection. Another person may cope by staying busy with work, kids or hobbies. Others may decide there is no repair possible in the marriage and they get a divorce.
And then there are a group of people who cope with their relationship dissatisfaction by turning to another person for emotional and/or sexual connection.
📊 “Estimates suggest that infidelity occurs in about a quarter of all marriages.” (Int. J. Environ. Res. Public Health, 2023, 20, 3904, p. 9)
This cautionary case study takes you through the experiences of a couple, Tom and Sharon, who faced numerous challenges during their treatment journey due to several factors: lack of ability for partners to control their impulses, self soothe, and tell the whole truth.
Why People Cheat
Simply answered: People cheat in their relationships because of what they tell themselves about the committed relationship they're in at the time they cheat.
A person who feels emotionally starved is at risk of creating a negative narrative about the spouse they perceive is doing the starving. Different sexual appetites between partners can create a chasm of emotional connection, for which the outcome is a narrative that can lead a vulnerable partner to seeking connections elsewhere.
What makes the difference between someone who cheats and someone who doesn't is how they cope with relationship dissatisfaction.
Coping includes controlling impulses to talk to and connect with another person outside of the marriage, the degree to which the person is able to self-soothe, and the level of conscientiousness the person possesses.
The responsibility of leading the repair falls squarely on the shoulders of the cheater. That doesn't mean the cheater does all the work alone; that's not repair. It means it's up to YOU, the cheater, to take control and lead you and your partner through the 3 phases of affair repair.
The Case of Tom and Sharon
This case study examines the dissolution of a 32-year marriage between Tom and Sharon following Tom’s prolonged affair with a younger woman. Drawing on peer-reviewed research, this article explores how delayed disclosure, secrecy, longstanding resentments, and extended family involvement impaired the couple’s opportunity for relational repair.
Tom's delayed transparency and mixed feelings about his affair partner damaged Sharon's trust and her desire to reconcile, resulting in their divorce.
This situation highlights the challenges of recovering from infidelity, aligning with Whisman and Snyder's (2016) research, which stresses the importance of prompt accountability and emotional connection for healing after an affair.
When Tom and Sharon came into therapy they were both committed to repair after Tom was forced to tell Sharon about the affair. This disclosure followed a suspicious phone call where Tom accidentally left a message for his affair partner on his daughter-in-law's phone. Their names are similar and next to each other in his contacts on the phone.
The DIL thought the message was for Sharon and played it for her; Sharon realized immediately that the message wasn't for her.
Tom and Sharon's son helped Sharon confirm the affair, prompting Tom to admit he had been in a yearlong relationship with a woman he reconnected with at a coffee shop—someone known to their family. The mother of their son's friend from high school.
Sharon's mind was blown as her reality crumbled around her.
Cheating is a leading cause of divorce in America. Research shows that men typically cheat on women for a sexual connection and women typically cheat on men for an emotional connection. Those are driving factors that test one's ability to cope in a way that helps or hurts the relationship.
What's also prevalent in research is that regret is especially high—up to 80%—among those who divorced impulsively, didn’t fully work through issues, or used divorce as a quick fix .
So, what do you do when you've been caught?
The Three Phases of Repair: Atone, Attune, Attach
Learning that you're being cheated on is akin to being dropkicked in the head: it's a blow to the brain. Like JFK assassination level mind blown. So you can bet that the blowback after an affair is discovered is going to be at a nuclear level.
And everyone acted so surprised when serial cheater Tiger Woods' wife bashed his windshield in with one of his clubs. C'mon!
Given that Tiger has at the very least narcissistic tendencies (how could he not?) it's likely that he colossally failed at any kind of a repair attempt. Our brains respond very similarly to that of a person suffering from posttraumatic stress. Intrusive thoughts, catastrophizing, rage, sensory overload, and deep depression are all part of the emotional fallout of the partner who has been cheated on.
Even the beautiful Elin Nordegren lost her shit.
The case of Tom and Sharon provides a detailed illustration of why some couples fail to recover from infidelity despite structured therapeutic interventions, offering practical lessons for cheaters to follow if they want to repair their relationship.
Early Sessions
Tom (57) and Sharon (54) are married for 32 years, residing in midwestern suburb. They share an adult son, married, whose wife eventually played a role in Sharon learning the affair was ongoing.
Tom rekindled contact with Marissa, the mother of their son’s friend from childhood, after an unexpected encounter at a coffee shop three years prior. Marissa, significantly younger, confided in Tom about her struggles and came to view him as a stable figure, deepening their bond into an emotional and later sexual relationship.
3 Things You Must Do To Repair the Damage
If you're reading this because you cheated and you want to repair the damage you must be prepared to do the work and weather the nuclear storm. I can tell after the first session whether or not the cheating partner is ready to do what it takes to own the behavior and the damage,
Tom and Sharon had their first session shortly after the affair was disclosed.
Sharon started by tearfully stating she was seeking transparency, accountability, and emotional repair. She was feeling violated as she connected dots between lies, strange absences, distant behavior, and a sudden love of coffee.
Tom expressed a desire to work on the marriage but was vague and guarded in the early sessions, often minimizing or delaying responses to Sharon's questions. He said he "didn't want to upset her more" or "ruin a good day by bringing the affair up." Tom was adamant he had ended all contact with the affair partner; a condition of working with me to repair after an affair.
"How could you do this to me, Tom?! I feel like I don't even know you!"
The first nail Tom put in the coffin was starting the blame game for the affair. As he shook his head no, he turned to me and blurted: "She acted like she didn't love me!" "She spent more time with her friends!" "She embarrasses me in front of our son and DIL!"
I knew early on they would have significant challenges and I was honest about that with both of them. Tom was also honest with me and expressed he thought they could work it out on their own but that she insisted on therapy and he was open to it. I also knew that Tom would go rogue and do his own thing.
And I was accurate.
Before you complicate matters with your own repair approach, you need to heed my words and read through this blog. Why? It is not the responsibility of your partner to "get over" an affair. It's up to YOU to follow simple (not easy!) steps if you want to stay in your relationship.
These are the three things you have to do to repair after an affair.
ATONE TO YOUR PARTNER FOR CHEATING
To atone for cheating means to make amends to your partner by taking responsibility and accountability for hurting them.
Concept | Responsibility - YOU ARE HERE | Accountability |
Focus | Recognition of impact | Repair and forward movement |
Internal vs. External | Internal ownership | External follow-through |
Guilt’s role | Acknowledges it | Uses it as fuel to do better |
Remorse's role | Can be distorted in survivors | Requires clear, regulated boundaries |
Example | “I did something that hurt you." | “I’m making changes so I don’t repeat it.” |
Atonement includes:
Acknowledging the full truth of what happened without minimizing or hiding details.
Tom failed at this. He consistently minimized Sharon's big feelings ("It's been 3 months, why are we still talking about the affair?!") and avoided telling her the whole truth.
The whole truth was that Tom had been seeing his affair partner Marissa for nearly three years, he confessed six months into repair therapy.
The decision not to tell Sharon early became a barrier to repair.
Expressing sincere remorse for the impact of the betrayal.
Tom did this well; he did show genuine remorse for hurting Sharon. I saw genuine tears flowing. He apologized to her often.
Tom didn't stop loving Sharon and it hurt him to see her suffering; he was remorseful he hurt his son, too.
Yes cheaters feel remorse.
Accepting responsibility without defensiveness or blaming.
Tom started out strong then fell off. When Sharon struggled with impulse control and raged at Tom in pain, he'd get emotionally flooded and shut down.
This left Sharon feeling emotionally abandoned which fueled her pain further.
He'd come into our sessions confused about why Sharon was so intensely upset rather than leaning into soothing her.
Being transparent and consistent in words and actions going forward.
Tom failed: Tom broke off the physical affair and kept in contact with his affair partner without disclosing it, keeping the emotional affair going.
What Tom didn't know is that his childhood friend, Marissa's son, and his son were keeping tabs on the connection and Marissa's shared they were still in contact. Their son shared that with Sharon who kept it to herself, waiting for Tom to disclose it.
This knowledge kept Sharon's rage intense and her impulse control low. She'd dig at him every chance she got, to which he would point a finger and say, "See, she won't let up!"
Demonstrating changed behavior that shows commitment to rebuilding trust.
Tom failed: Tom believed his delusions that his affair partner loved him and wanted to give him all the things that were missing in his marriage. He kept Marissa on the back burner in case Sharon threw him out.
Marissa would let Tom know any chance she got that his marriage wasn't going to work out and that he should leave Sharon and move in with her.
That dynamic kept Tom with one foot in the repair and one foot out.
This phase is critical because it lays the emotional groundwork for the injured partner to feel safe enough to begin healing.
Without genuine atonement, couples often stay stuck in cycles of blame, anger, or emotional distance.
ATTUNE TO YOUR PARTNER'S NEEDS
A partner who is having a sexual or emotional affair has created a narrative about their spouse in order to justify stepping outside of the relationship. They create this delusion with the affair partner as they complain about all that they're contributing and how nobody appreciates them, and they're so unhappy they sleep in another room.
Concept | Responsibility | Accountability - YOU ARE HERE |
Focus | Recognition of impact | Repair and forward movement |
Internal vs. External | Internal ownership | External follow-through |
Guilt’s role | Acknowledges it | Uses it as fuel to do better |
Trauma risk | Can be distorted in survivors | Requires clear, regulated boundaries |
Example | “I did something that hurt you." | “I’m making changes so I don’t repeat it.” |
Tom and Sharon struggled significantly with the attachment component of the repair process because of the narrative he created about Sharon and his marriage.
He'd state repeatedly in our sessions that he believed it was making things worse between them that she wanted to talk about the affair and not move on from it. He'd furrow his brows in an attempt at looking empathetic and say, "I just worry about her mental health. She's really angry."
There is only ONE REASON the cheater doesn't want to talk about an affair: it makes THEM uncomfortable and they shut it down with lame responses. "Here we go again!"
"I don't want to argue."
"We've had such a great weekend, why bring that up?"
"It's been three months, why can't you move on?"
"You're acting crazy!"
It's not Sharon's job to "move on" from the affair. Tom had what the Gottman Institute calls a "sliding door moment"; a window of opportunity to step past his own selfish needs and walk through the "sliding door" between them to meet her where she needed him to.
Attunement means being emotionally tuned in to your partner — listening deeply, acknowledging their pain, and showing that you care about their experience, even when it’s hard to hear.
It’s not about fixing their feelings, explaining away what happened, or rushing them to “get over it.” It’s about proving, day after day, that you can handle their hurt without shutting down or getting defensive.
When your partner asks the same painful question for the tenth time or cries about something you said months ago, it may feel overwhelming. But these moments are your chance to show up differently — to stay present, validate their emotions, and reassure them that their pain matters to you. “I hear you. I understand how much this hurts. I’m not going anywhere.” Words like these, backed up by consistent actions, begin to rebuild the sense of safety that was shattered.
Think of attunement as the foundation for all future repair. Without it, apologies feel hollow. With it, your partner can start to believe that you not only regret what you did, but that you’re willing to do the work to help them heal.
As long as Tom continued to make excuses, deflect, and gaslight he was not attuned to Sharon's needs; he missed many opportunities to connect with her in his defensiveness.
Attach – Actions Over Time
If you’ve betrayed your partner, you probably already know that words alone won’t repair the damage.
Saying “I’m sorry” or “It will never happen again” is necessary, but it’s not enough. Trust isn’t rebuilt through big speeches or grand gestures—it’s rebuilt through consistent actions over time.
When you say you’ll do something, and then you follow through—again and again—you start to become dependable in your partner’s eyes. That dependability is what helps them feel safe enough to believe in you again.
Tom had his affair partner on the back burner, he was stuck in defense mode, and his actions over time reflected his mindset.
Here's a breakdown of how and why it broke down:
🔒 Tom’s Attachment Failures:
Withheld emotional truth: For over six months, Tom minimized or concealed important aspects of the affair, including ongoing contact with the affair partner and his unresolved feelings for her.
This lack of transparency eroded emotional safety and prevented secure reattachment.
Delayed commitment to the marriage: Tom waited too long to fully cut off the affair partner and did not consistently show up as emotionally available or invested in rebuilding the relationship.
His hesitance created confusion and instability.
Did not consistently attune to Sharon's needs: He failed to anticipate or respond to her attachment-related fears—such as abandonment, betrayal, or unpredictability—which made it difficult for her to begin trusting again.
💔 Sharon’s Attachment Injuries and Responses:
Hypervigilance and protest behaviors: Her ongoing anxiety, emotional acting out, and attempts to “catch” Tom in lies were understandable responses to betrayal, but also reflected unhealed attachment wounds.
These protest behaviors intensified over time due to Tom’s secrecy.
No secure base to return to: Without reliable comfort or co-regulation from Tom, Sharon’s emotional needs went unmet, deepening her sense of aloneness in the relationship.
Loss of belief in the emotional bond: Despite her initial willingness to repair, the extended betrayal and lack of attunement led Sharon to conclude that the relationship was no longer emotionally viable.
🧩 Missed Opportunities in the Attachment Process:
Inconsistent or absent "bonding conversations" : The couple rarely experienced moments of emotional closeness or repair that could help reestablish attachment.
Most sessions were focused on accountability or confrontation rather than soothing connection.
Tom’s internal emotional disorganization (divided attachment to both women) made him unreliable as a safe attachment figure.
Sharon’s emotional protectiveness (increasing emotional cutoff and planning for separation) signaled that the attachment bond had frayed past the point of repair.
Both partners struggled to reestablish emotional safety, responsiveness, and trust—all critical aspects of attachment repair.
Tom’s emotional ambiguity and delays in full disclosure prevented Sharon from feeling secure enough to move toward reconnection. The window for reattachment gradually closed due to these repeated attachment ruptures.
What This Means for You if You Cheated
Tom and Sharon’s story is a cautionary tale, but it’s also a roadmap. It shows exactly why some couples make it through an affair—and why others don’t. Tom wanted to repair his marriage, but his hesitancy, defensiveness, and mixed signals undermined every step of the process. He delayed full disclosure, kept a door open to his affair partner, and avoided the uncomfortable conversations Sharon desperately needed. By the time he realized the damage those choices caused, Sharon’s trust—and their bond—was too fractured to repair.
If you’re the one who cheated, you don’t have to make Tom’s mistakes. You can choose differently, but it will take courage and uncomfortable honesty.
You must Atone by owning what you did—completely and without blame.
You must Attune by showing up for your partner’s pain with empathy, not excuses.
And you must Attach by proving, every single day, through consistent and transparent actions, that you are dependable and committed to change.
This isn’t about begging for forgiveness or asking your partner to “get over it.” It’s about becoming the safe, steady, and truthful partner they need to even consider trusting you again.
Affair recovery isn’t quick or easy—but if you take these steps, stay the course, and stop making it about your comfort, you can start repairing the damage you caused.
Your partner’s healing—and the future of your relationship—depend on what you do next.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma: Helping Couples Heal from Infidelity. The Gottman Institute.
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