In my practice, the number one reason couples come to therapy is trust . Couples face an array of challenges that seem to intensify with the passage of time in the evolving landscape of modern relationships. As a seasoned professional with a rich background in human resource management, I witnessed and navigated the intricate dynamics of workplace relationships, which laid the foundation for my foray into couples counseling. My private practice is a natural progression of this journey, born from a long-standing role as the go-to person for relationship advice among friends and family. My job as a human resources exec was to gain the trust of the employees I served. I always say, I’m not the best therapist there is out there, but I know relationships and the dynamics that affect them for better or worse. A great couples counselor can help partners pinpoint exactly where trust has ruptured and what to do about it. Trust is a delicate asset – difficult to establish and devastating when broken. In my experience with couples, it's striking to observe how some partners underestimate the significance of trust. This underappreciation, coupled with a widespread lack of awareness about the critical role of trust in relationships, is contributing to a broader societal issue. Amidst the backdrop of family breakdowns and escalating societal polarization, we are witnessing a trust crisis in America. This crisis underlines the need for a deeper understanding and appreciation of trust's fundamental role in both personal relationships and the fabric of society. In this Article Trust in 202 5 What’s in this blog Trust Matters: Trust is Strength Is Trust A Thought, Feeling, or Action? In Summary Coming Next FAQ: Foundations of Trust Trust in 2025 Today's couples are navigating a complex world where technology often competes for attention, diminishing the quality of family interactions. The rise of private messaging and digital platforms has opened new avenues for digital affairs, subtly undermining the traditional fabric of trust. The influence of reality TV and its portrayal of relationships sets unrealistic and often unhealthy standards, impacting what behaviors are tolerated or normalized in personal relationships. Add to this the divisiveness of political polarization and the pressures of dual-income families, and you have a recipe for deep-seated rifts between partners. Furthermore, the challenge of 'adulting' in a world where poor coping skills and untreated mental health issues are prevalent adds another layer of complexity to modern relationships. Navigating these turbulent waters is not for every therapist. Couples therapy, distinct in its challenges, requires a nuanced understanding and a skillful approach to help partners untangle the intricate web of their relationships. It's like piecing together a puzzle – each couple brings a unique set of pieces that need to be understood and arranged to reveal a coherent picture. This process, while demanding, is immensely rewarding. It's about guiding couples through the web of their issues, helping them rediscover connection and build a stronger, more resilient partnership. The journey is as fascinating as it is fulfilling, offering a glimpse into the evolving dynamics of contemporary relationships and the innovative ways to bridge divides. Join me in exploring this journey, where each session unfolds layers of understanding and pathways to a harmonious union. Couples seek therapy for a multitude of reasons beyond communication issues. These often include: Intimacy and sexual problems , where differences in desires or emotional connection create discord; Financial disagreements, stemming from divergent spending habits or financial goals; parenting conflicts, due to varying child-rearing philosophies or family dynamics; Individual mental health issues , such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse, that impact the relationship; Unresolved personal traumas or past experiences affecting current interactions; Differences in life goals and values, where alignment on key life decisions becomes challenging; and Chronic stress or external pressures, such as work-related stress or extended family issues, which strain the relationship. Each of these areas can significantly impact relationship dynamics, often necessitating professional intervention to navigate and resolve. Need help talking about all the stuff with your partner? Try the State of the Union conversation from the Gottman Institute and stay on track with your communication. At the top of the list of issues that bring couples into therapy is trust . It's a fundamental aspect of any relationship, and when it's broken or erodes over time, the impact can be deeply destabilizing. Trust issues in couples can stem from a variety of sources, ranging from infidelity and secrecy to more subtle forms of betrayal like emotional distancing or financial dishonesty. The common thread in these scenarios is the erosion of the basic safety  and reliability  that trust provides in a relationship. When trust is compromised, it creates a cascade of emotional reactions—hurt, anger, confusion, and insecurity. Couples may find themselves stuck in negative patterns of interaction, where suspicion and defensiveness replace openness and vulnerability. The absence of trust makes it challenging for partners to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, or connect intimately. In such situations, couples counseling becomes an invaluable space for addressing these deep-rooted issues. The work I do in couples counseling is to create a structured environment for partners to express their feelings, understand each other's perspectives, and work collaboratively towards rebuilding trust. The counseling process often involves exploring the underlying causes of distrust, learning how to communicate more transparently, and developing strategies to restore confidence in each other and the relationship. For many couples, rebuilding trust is not a quick or easy journey. It requires consistent effort, patience, and a willingness to forgive and move forward. However, with the guidance of a skilled therapist, couples can rediscover the foundation of their relationship and strengthen their bond in ways that are more resilient and enduring. This journey, though fraught with challenges, often leads to deeper understanding and a more profound connection between partners. What’s in this blog: Welcome to "Trust Matters: Mastering the Art of Building Trust in Relationships," a comprehensive 4-part series designed to explore, strengthen, and restore one of the most critical elements in any relationship: trust. At the heart of every meaningful connection, whether it be romantic, familial, friendly, or professional, lies trust. It's the invisible bond that not only holds relationships together but also allows them to grow and thrive. In this series, we delve deep into the essence of trust – what it means, why it's essential, and how its presence or absence can profoundly impact our relationships. Part 1, "Foundations of Trust: Understanding Its Role in Strengthening Relationships," sets the stage by defining trust and exploring its multifaceted role in our connections. We'll examine common trust issues in relationships, highlighting the unique challenges and dynamics they present. This part establishes the groundwork for understanding why trust is not just a part of a successful relationship but the foundation upon which all other aspects are built. In Part 2, "Building Blocks of Trust: Communication, Consistency, and Empathy," we focus on the practical strategies to build trust. From the power of open and honest communication to the importance of consistency and the impact of empathy, this section offers tangible steps and real-world examples to help you actively foster trust in your relationships. Part 3, "Deepening Bonds: Transparency, Conflict Resolution, and Shared Moments," takes us further into the journey of trust-building. Here, we explore how transparency in actions and intentions, effective conflict resolution techniques, and the creation of shared experiences can deepen the bonds of trust, enriching the relationship in the process. Finally, Part 4, "Rebuilding and Sustaining Trust: Overcoming Challenges and Betrayal," addresses one of the most challenging aspects of trust – how to rebuild it when it's been broken. This crucial part of the series provides insights and strategies for healing, forgiveness, and the restoration of trust, ensuring that your relationships are not just restored but also stronger and more resilient. "Trust Matters" is more than just a guide; it's a journey into the heart of what makes relationships work. Whether you're looking to strengthen an already solid bond, repair a strained connection, or simply understand the dynamics of trust better, this series is your companion. Join us as we navigate the complexities of trust and discover the keys to lasting, fulfilling relationships. Trust Matters: Trust is Strength "Trust" in a committed relationship refers to the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of one's partner. It involves the confidence that a partner will act with integrity, honesty, and in the best interest of the relationship. Trust is not just about believing that a partner won't be unfaithful; it also encompasses trusting them with one's vulnerabilities, and emotions, and relying on them to be supportive, especially during challenging times. Trust is one of the foundational components of a successful relationship for several key reasons: Promotes Emotional Safety : When trust is present, both partners feel emotionally safe and secure, enabling them to express their feelings and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection. Facilitates Open Communication : Trust encourages open and honest communication. Partners can share their thoughts, fears, and desires knowing they will be understood and respected, which is crucial for resolving conflicts and deepening intimacy. Supports Individual Growth : Trust provides a stable and supportive environment, where each partner can pursue personal growth and goals, knowing they have the support and encouragement of their significant other. Enhances Intimacy : Emotional and physical intimacy thrives in a trusting relationship. Trust allows partners to be truly themselves, fostering a deeper connection. Builds Reliability and Predictability : Trusting relationships are marked by consistency and reliability, where partners can depend on each other for support, creating a sense of stability and security. Reduces Stress and Anxiety : When trust is present, there’s less room for doubt, suspicion, and insecurity, leading to lower levels of stress and anxiety in the relationship. Fosters Mutual Respect : Trust is often intertwined with respect; respecting a partner’s choices, boundaries, and individuality is a form of trust. Facilitates Forgiveness and Resilience : In a trusting relationship, partners are more likely to forgive mistakes and work through challenges, making the relationship more resilient. Encourages Positive Assumptions : Trust leads to giving the benefit of the doubt during misunderstandings, assuming the partner's good intentions. Strengthens Partnership Against External Challenges : A trusting relationship can better withstand external pressures and challenges, presenting a united front. Trust is the cornerstone of any strong, enduring relationship. It creates a nurturing environment where love, communication, mutual respect, and support can flourish, contributing significantly to the relationship's overall health and longevity. Is Trust A Thought, Feeling, or Action? The word “trust” is used often in couples counseling and it has different meanings to people. One of the first things I do when there is a trust injury is clarify what trust  is. What is trust? In Dr. John Gottman's Sound Relationship House Theory , "Trust" and "Commitment" are foundational elements that are crucial for a healthy and enduring relationship. Trust, in this context, is defined as the firm belief in the reliability, integrity, and honesty of one’s partner. It's the confidence that your partner will act in the best interest of the relationship and not intentionally hurt you. Trust grows over time through consistent and positive interactions, where each partner proves to be reliable and dependable. On the other hand, Commitment refers to the unwavering belief in the longevity and strength of the relationship. It involves choosing the partner and the relationship every day, even in challenging times, and dedicating oneself to the mutual goals and visions of the partnership. Commitment also means standing up for the relationship and not allowing negative external influences to undermine it. In Gottman’s model, Trust and Commitment are interdependent; a deep commitment is hard to maintain without trust, and trust is nurtured and strengthened through ongoing commitment. These elements act as the walls of the relationship, supporting and sustaining the love, friendship, and connection that reside within. Building Trust in Relationships Trust encompasses aspects of an action, a thought, and a feeling, making it a multifaceted element of human relationships: Trust as a Thought : Trust involves a cognitive component where you make an assessment or judgment about a person's reliability and integrity. It includes the belief or expectation that the other person will act in certain ways that are beneficial or at least not harmful to the relationship. This aspect of trust is based on your understanding of the other person's character and past behavior. Trust as a Feeling : There's an emotional aspect to trust as well. It’s the sense of safety and security you feel when you believe that your partner will not hurt you physically or emotionally. This feeling of trust can create a sense of comfort and ease in the relationship, allowing you to be vulnerable and open. Trust as an Action : Trust also manifests in actions—both in the act of trusting someone and in the behaviors that build and maintain trust. When you trust someone, you may take actions based on that trust, like sharing personal information, relying on them for support, or making joint decisions. Similarly, actions that demonstrate reliability, honesty, and integrity can build or reinforce trust in a relationship. Therefore, trust is not easily categorized into just one of these domains; it is a dynamic interplay of thoughts, feelings, and actions that evolve within the context of a relationship. In Summary In the realm of couples counseling, trust consistently emerges as the predominant reason couples seek therapy. This series, rooted in my extensive experience in human resource management and a natural inclination towards understanding relationship dynamics, aims to unravel the complexities of trust in modern relationships. My journey from HR to private practice was fueled by a deep understanding of the importance of trust, both in the workplace and in personal relationships. I've always believed that a great couples counselor doesn't just 'fix' issues; rather, they help partners uncover the underlying causes of trust ruptures and guide them in restoring it. In our modern era, marked by the year 2024, relationships are navigating uncharted territories. The omnipresence of technology often diverts attention from familial bonds, while the ease of digital communication opens doors to new forms of infidelity. The glamorization of relationships in reality TV skews perceptions of what is acceptable, further straining personal connections. Moreover, the challenges of political polarization, dual-income stressors, and the widespread struggle with adult responsibilities amid untreated mental health issues add layers of complexity to relationship dynamics. In this intricate landscape, the role of a couples therapist transcends mere counseling; it becomes an art of understanding and piecing together the puzzle of each unique relationship. It's about steering couples through these multifaceted challenges, aiding them in rediscovering their connection, and fortifying their bond against future adversities. This journey is not only enlightening but also showcases the evolving nature of relationships and the innovative strategies to bridge the growing divides. As we embark on this series, starting with Part 1, "Foundations of Trust: Understanding Its Role in Strengthening Relationships," we dive into the essence of trust – exploring its multifaceted nature as a thought, feeling, and action. We will dissect common trust issues and their profound impact, setting the stage for a deeper comprehension of why trust is not just a component but the cornerstone of any successful relationship. This series is not just educational; it's a transformative journey into the core of relationship dynamics, offering insights and tools for building and sustaining trust in an ever-changing world. Join me in this exploration, and let's unlock the secrets to enduring, fulfilling relationships. Coming Next: Part 1: Understanding Trust and Its Importance FAQ: Foundations of Trust Q1: What is the primary focus of your couples therapy practice? A1: The primary focus is on addressing trust issues in relationships. Trust is a critical component in any relationship, and its erosion or absence can significantly impact the dynamics between partners. Q2: How does your background in human resource management contribute to your approach in couples counseling? A2: My experience in human resource management has provided me with insights into the complexities of interpersonal dynamics, particularly around trust. This background aids in understanding and navigating the intricate issues that arise in couples' relationships. Q3: What are some common challenges faced by couples today? A3: Modern couples face various challenges, including digital communication's impact on trust, unrealistic standards set by media, political polarization, pressures of dual-income families, and managing adult responsibilities alongside mental health issues. Q4: What makes couples therapy a unique form of counseling? A4: Couples therapy requires a nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics and a skillful approach to help partners untangle their complex issues. It involves guiding couples through their challenges to rebuild trust and strengthen their bond. Q5: What other reasons bring couples to therapy besides trust issues? A5: Couples seek therapy for intimacy and sexual problems, financial disagreements, parenting conflicts, individual mental health issues, unresolved personal traumas, differences in life goals and values, and chronic stress or external pressures. Q6: How do you approach trust issues in couples counseling? A6: The approach involves creating a structured environment for partners to express feelings, understand each other's perspectives, and work collaboratively towards rebuilding trust. This includes exploring underlying causes, improving communication, and developing trust-restoring strategies. Q7: What is trust, and why is it important in relationships? A7: Trust is the belief in a partner's reliability, truth, ability, or strength. It promotes emotional safety, facilitates open communication, supports individual growth, enhances intimacy, builds reliability, reduces stress, fosters mutual respect, and strengthens the partnership. Q8: Is trust a thought, feeling, or action? A8: Trust encompasses aspects of thought, feeling, and action. It involves making assessments about reliability, feeling a sense of safety and security, and actions that demonstrate and build trust in a relationship. Q9: What can readers expect from the "Trust Matters" blog series? A9: The "Trust Matters" series is a comprehensive guide exploring the role of trust in relationships. It covers understanding trust, practical strategies for building trust, deepening bonds through transparency and conflict resolution, and overcoming challenges to rebuild broken trust. Q10: What are the next topics in the "Trust Matters" series? A10: The upcoming topics include "Building Blocks of Trust: Communication, Consistency, and Empathy," "Deepening Bonds: Transparency, Conflict Resolution, and Shared Moments," and "Rebuilding and Sustaining Trust: Overcoming Challenges and Betrayal."

Navigating a romantic relationship can be a beautiful journey. I liken it to a Cedar Point roller coaster - exciting, stressful, nauseating; full of twists and turns. Couples often face obstacles that require creativity and effort to overcome. According to couples therapist and researcher William Doughtery, PhD., the average delay between when couples first detect serious issues in their marriage and when they actually seek help is nearly three years . Many marriages have compounded problems, including entrenched positions, fears of accepting influence, vilification, and emotional disengagement. Doughtery is one of my favorite couples researchers and a clinician I admire a lot. If you're so inclined you should check out his work ! Couples experiencing such gridlock often show signs of either intense conflict (with the presence of all Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ) or a state of "affective death," characterized by emotional distance, fatigue, and low levels of affection and humor​. Would it surprise you to hear that there are lots of resources designed to offer guidance? This post will explore affordable resources and practical strategies that couples can utilize to strengthen their bond and resolve issues effectively. Understanding Couples Counseling Couples counseling is a valuable tool for partners looking to figure out their relationships. It offers a safe space for discussion and helps couples address issues such as communication barriers, trust deficits, or recurring conflicts. A "safe space" means there is no blame and no judgment in the sessions Despite popular belief it's not an hour long bitch session where Partner A gets the therapist to tell Partner B they're wrong and need to change. Sessions are focused on supporting both partners in building new skills for managing conflict, problem solving, and connecting. I find that too many couples are apprehensive about seeking professional help because of the distorted perception people have about what happens in couples therapy. Another barrier for couples is the costs associated with therapy. There are numerous affordable options available that prioritize relationship health without breaking the bank. The counseling office is a safe space to learn how to communicate. The overall cost of couples counseling can vary significantly depending on the therapist's qualifications, the geographic location, and the type of services provided. The average cost of sessions can range from $75 to $250 per hour. However, many practitioners and organizations offer sliding scale fees based on income, making therapy more accessible. Affordable Couples Counseling Options Online Therapy Platforms One of the most affordable options is utilizing online therapy services, which is what I offer. Platforms like BetterHelp and Talkspace provide couples with the opportunity to connect with licensed therapists at a fraction of the cost of in-person sessions. The flexibility of online therapy allows couples to schedule sessions around their busy lives. Many of these services also offer free trials or introductory rates, providing an opportunity to test the waters before making a long-term commitment. This method has gained popularity due to its effectiveness; a study published in the National Library of Medicine found that online therapy can be just as beneficial as traditional face-to-face therapy. Community-Based Services Many community centers or nonprofit organizations offer couples counseling services at reduced rates. Local universities often have psychology or counseling programs, allowing graduate students to provide low-cost therapy under the supervision of trained professionals. These programs typically charge significantly lower fees compared to private practice counseling. In some cases, they may even offer services for free. For couples unsure about the long-term commitment to therapy, this option provides an affordable way to express concerns and seek guidance. Is it possible to get free couples therapy? The short answer is yes. While fully complimentary counseling may be uncommon, there are several pathways to receive free or almost free counseling. Many organizations and religious institutions offer support services that do not require payment. Nonprofit organizations, such as the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) , maintain directories of therapists who may offer pro-bono services. Additionally, some therapists dedicate a portion of their practice to providing services for individuals who cannot afford therapy. Certain community health agencies offer free couples counseling as part of their mental health services. Couples can reach out to local mental health organizations to inquire about available resources. Here is a list of potentially free couples counseling resources in Ohio. A peaceful park providing a serene environment for couples Additionally, consider talking to your employer about potential Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Many companies provide free or low-cost counseling sessions for employees and their families, which can also extend to couples therapy. You can see a licensed therapist at no cost to you. Companies sign a contract with an EAP provider - a licensed therapist - to provide a set number of sessions per employee. When an employee uses a session the therapist reports that a session has been used without any information about who used it or the HIPAA protected information shared in the session. Virtual Workshops or Webinars Another affordable resource for couples is attending virtual workshops or webinars focused on relationship skills. Numerous organizations, including nonprofits and therapists, host online events that cover various topics such as communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy. These workshops often have nominal fees or are sometimes free, making them an accessible option for couples seeking guidance. This approach allows partners to learn together and apply new skills in their relationship actively. Self-Help Resources Beyond professional counseling, numerous self-help books, podcasts, and online courses are available for couples looking to improve their relationships. Literature on communication techniques, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence can provide helpful insights and strategies. For example, books like " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work " by John Gottman offer actionable advice rooted in extensive research. Similarly, podcasts like "The Couples Therapist Couch" provide valuable insights without the price tag of therapy. Many online platforms also offer courses specifically designed for couples. Websites like Udemy and Coursera have relationship-focused classes that allow couples to explore topics at their own pace and convenience. These self-help resources can supplement professional therapy or stand alone as a means to foster healthier relationships. A collection of self-help books directed at improving relationships Building Skills Together The best approach toward relationship improvement involves active participation from both partners. To effectively integrate what you've learned from counseling or self-help resources, consider taking the following steps: Regular Check-Ins : Set aside time each week for honest conversations about your relationship. Discuss any challenges and celebrate your strengths. You can download the Gottman State of the Union, which will guide you through having a meaningful conversation with your partner. Practice New Techniques : Implement communication skills or conflict resolution strategies learned during counseling or workshops. Role-playing can help practice these skills in a safe space. Create Shared Goals : Work together to establish relationship goals, such as improving communication or planning regular date nights. Having mutual objectives will keep both partners engaged and motivated. Seek Feedback : Encourage open dialogue about what works and what doesn’t. Being receptive to feedback can strengthen your relationship and foster trust. Stay Committed : Working on a relationship requires continuous effort. Commit to refining your skills and checking in regularly, even when things are going well. By engaging in thoughtful practices and seeking guidance from affordable resources, couples can create a loving and supportive environment that nurtures their relationship. Additional Support Networks If you feel overwhelmed by relationship challenges, building a support network can be invaluable. Friends and family members who have healthy relationships may offer insights or serve as sounding boards. Consider joining community support groups or forums where couples share experiences, strategies, and encouragement. Engaging with others who face similar challenges can provide reassurance and an expanded perspective on your relationship. Additionally, consider reaching out to local relationship-focused organizations that provide events and activities for couples. These groups often facilitate bonding experiences, encouraging connection and collaboration between partners. By finding support in your community, you can develop a broader toolkit for navigating relationship challenges. The journey toward a healthy relationship can be complex, but with the right affordable resources, couples can find the guidance they need without the financial burden. From online therapy platforms to self-help literature, there are countless options available to help couples thrive together. Take the first step today by exploring these valuable resources and committing to growth as a couple. Great Lakes Counseling Group is excited to announce the upcoming launch of a membership site in Fall 2025, designed to provide members with just-in-time emotional and relationship coaching. This innovative platform will offer a wealth of resources, including expert-led workshops, interactive forums, and personalized coaching sessions, all aimed at fostering emotional well-being and strengthening relationships. Members will have access to a supportive community and tailored content that addresses their unique challenges and goals, ensuring they receive the guidance they need exactly when they need it. With this initiative, Great Lakes Counseling Group reaffirms its commitment to enhancing mental health support and empowering individuals to navigate their emotional journeys effectively.

Have you ever had an argument with your partner that left you seething with rage? Are you left with the sting of hurtful words and actions long after your partner is ready to move on? Whatever the case, fighting with your partner is painful, but you can do a few things to ease back into things after a fight—even in a high-conflict relationship . So here’s everything you need to know about how to make up after a fight with your partner. What Causes Couples to Fight? It's a question that has plagued humankind for centuries—why do some couples fight viciously while others seem to coexist in bliss? If you're struggling to understand why your partner is constantly at odds with you, you're not alone. After years of research into what makes couples tick, studies have drawn some compelling conclusions. Couples that have been together for two years or less fight about sex and trust. At the beginning of a relationship, you're still trying to establish your boundaries, wants, and needs. So naturally, the issue of sex can be a real trigger early on. How often do you both prefer to do it? What kinds of fantasies and preferences do you have? What insecurities do you have? If your desires aren't understood or aligned, it can quickly lead to discontent. The issue of physical intimacy frequently leads to another significant hurdle of budding romance— building trust. You may find yourself wondering if your partner is genuinely faithful or if you can actually trust their word. Liking another woman's post on social media or referencing a co-worker as a "work-husband" may stoke the flames of jealousy and spark a slew of explosive arguments between you. Couples that have been together for longer fight about annoying habits, chores, and money. When you first start dating someone, you tend to overlook specific quirks that could potentially drive you crazy in the long run. After all, you're more worried about whether Dave from accounting will swoop in and whisk your lover away from under your nose. But once you get past the honeymoon phase, especially for cohabitating partners, you start to notice little things about your partner that get under your skin. Piles of laundry, dirty dishes in the sink, overspending on delivery, the way they clink their spoon on the bowl while they slurp cereal—everyone has their little pet peeves regarding irritating habits. Over time, these minor issues can turn into big problems that cause couples to fight. Most fights have this one thing in common. No matter how long you've been together or what inspired your disagreement in the first place, most fights can be traced back to one fatal relationship flaw. Poor communication. Bottled-up feelings, misunderstandings, and miscommunication are the root causes of most fights. You leave room for misinterpretation and misalignment when you don't communicate effectively. This lack of clarity can easily lead to resentment, anger, and frustration—and that's when fights break out. What Not to Do While You Fight With Your Partner Once communication goes off the rails and things start to get heated between you, it can feel tempting to let the adrenaline take over. But succumbing to the temptation of your fury and frustration can lead to explosive tempers, hurtful words, and regrettable actions. So let's cover what you shouldn't do next time things go south. Don't stonewall your partner. In Dr. John Gottman's years of relation expertise and research into what makes relationships fail, he found four toxic communication styles that tend to degrade the integrity of a relationship over time. The first is called stonewalling. Stonewalling is another way of saying you're giving your partner the cold shoulder. While taking time apart is fine, refusing to speak to your partner for hours, days, or weeks does far more harm than good. Don't unleash all your bottled-up criticisms. Another harbinger of death for relationships is word vomiting all the things that frustrate you about your partner at once. Complaints about your partner's behavior or communication style are normal, but there's a time and place to raise your concerns. Listing all of your criticisms in anger will only make matters worse. Don't speak with contempt and say things you'll regret. The next toxic communication habit is allowing yourself to say mean-spirited things while you're angry with your partner. Contemptuous remarks can eat away at the trust and affection that bonds you together. So avoid letting your sharp tongue get too carried away. Don't be defensive about your partner's feelings. Finally, Gottman identified defensiveness as the final harmful communication pattern between couples. Defensiveness means defending your position by attacking your partner instead of listening to them. Instead of trying to understand your partner's point of view, you attack theirs. How to Make Up After You Fight With Your Partner Making up after a fight can be difficult, especially if it was a big one. However, getting back on track doesn't have to be complicated if you follow these expert tips for clearing the air. 1. Take time apart. When you're upset, it's easy to want to lash out at your partner. It's also natural to feel like you need to "get things off your chest." The problem with this approach is that it rarely works. In fact, studies show that taking time apart from each other actually helps you both calm down and come back together stronger. So instead of letting things continue to escalate after the fight, take a breather. Go for a walk, take a bubble bath, whatever you need to do to relax. Just avoid engaging in unhealthy coping strategies like drugs and alcohol. 2. Start with an apology. Once you've cooled it and you both feel ready to come back together, it's time to be humble. Fights are hurtful for both sides, no matter who "started it." Apologize to your partner for any words or actions that may have upset them. This is especially important if: You raised your voice. You made comments out of contempt. You let your partner down. Even if you feel like your partner did more damage than you, apologizing for the part you played in the disagreement helps your partner feel less defensive. In addition, you're opening the door for them to make things right and offer an apology of their own. 3. Validate your partner's perspective. It's not always easy to hear what someone else says when you're mad. But listening without jumping to conclusions is essential to building healthy relationships. Once you've exchanged apologies, it's time to get back on the same page. While it's not always necessary to perform a complete post-mortem on every fight, you should at least get to the bottom of what caused it in the first place. Start by asking your partner to share their perspective—and I can't stress this enough—don't interrupt or disagree with them as they share their side. Listen with neutral emotions. Once they're done, ask them questions to help clarify any points that seemed foggy. If you disagree with their point of view even after gaining clarity, that's okay. Sometimes, you have to agree to disagree to move forward. 4. Use I statements. Now, it's your turn to share. Don't worry so much about whether your partner entirely agrees with everything you have to say. It's normal for couples to have diverging perspectives on what might have been done differently. Instead, share what happened from your point of view and how it made you feel using "I" statements. For example, "I felt hurt when you said..." or "I was surprised when you told me..." These types of statements acknowledge your feelings without implying blame. They also allow you to express yourself clearly and honestly. 5. Set goals for next time. Finally, it's time to look forward. What would you like to happen between you and your partner in the future? Think about how you'd like to handle disagreements in the future. How will you work on talking through issues before they arise? What will you do differently to show your concern for the other person's feelings? Commit to doing better and stick with it. When You Can't Stop Arguing With Your Partner If you find it challenging to stop arguing with your partner, your communication styles could likely use a reboot. The good news is that once you and your partner start working on these steps, you'll find it easier to keep your cool. Couples counseling is a great way to learn how to better communicate with your partner, navigate complex topics, and rebuild your relationship with a stronger foundation of trust and care. Find out how couples counseling can improve your marriage.

I Hate My Husband... Feelings of disdain or resentment toward your spouse can be overwhelming and isolating, but you're not alone. The phrase "I hate my husband" is often a cry for help, signaling deep-rooted issues that require immediate attention. And listen, it happens! We can't really help how we feel, but we can help what we do about it. But damn, how did I get here? My clients who suffer from this phenomenon ask me all the time, how did I go from being in love with this person to feeling such strong hatred towards them? It’s important to point something out: love and hate are two horns on the same goat! And that goat represents our connection. Think about this - the opposite of love is not hate. Rather, it’s apathy. Love and hate have everything in common EXCEPT what we believe about the other person. Intense Emotions : Both love and hate evoke strong feelings. Focus : Both can become the center of a person's thoughts and actions. Passion : They are both fueled by deep emotional investment. Endurance : Both emotions can be long-lasting and difficult to eradicate. Physiological Effects : They can both result in similar physical responses like increased heart rate and adrenaline. Proximity : Often, the people we love or hate are in close social or emotional proximity to us. Complexity : Both are multi-dimensional and can't be easily defined or understood. Dual Existence : One can simultaneously love and hate aspects of the same person or thing. Impact on Judgment : Both can cloud objective reasoning and decision-making. Potential for Change : Love can turn into hate and vice-versa, often due to altered perceptions or experiences. This article aims to address the complexity behind such a powerful statement that I hear regularly: “I hate my husband!” We'll delve into common reasons why these feelings may arise, from emotional neglect to irreconcilable differences. Note: If you’re checked out and want to split, then this article won’t be for you. Don’t waste your time trying to repair something you’re not all in on. Sometimes it’s better to end it and move on. You can opt to consciously uncouple or take an intentional and controlled break; a cooling-off period - an option I provide discernment counseling with the couple. If you have a desire to take your unhealthy relationship and turn it into something fulfilling and meaningful then this article is your guide. Is there a more perfect time to get started? If you don't think you have anything more to lose and want to explore repair, stay with me here! Spend the next couple months trying to change your mindset towards a healthier connection. I’ll discuss coping mechanisms, when to seek professional help, and how couples counseling could be the key to restoring a fractured relationship. Whether you're struggling with these feelings yourself or know someone who is, this article offers comprehensive guidance and resources to help you navigate this challenging period. Hateful Feelings With Married Couples A handful of times I remember Ernie and Bunny (my amazing parents!) really fighting with each other. A couple of times they wouldn’t talk for a day until my father apologized even if it wasn’t his fault! They never let things go on, some couples will go a couple months without speaking! A couple that perpetuates a disconnect for a couple months is doing irreparable damage to the foundation of the connection. Strong feelings will be simmering for some time. The number one reason couples come to see me is because they can't communicate well about the issues that cause conflict - and EVERY marriage has conflict. In other words, many times it's not the conflict that is the problem, it's the way we go about trying to resolve it. Partners go from yelling to the silent treatment; two very common relationship obstacles. Acknowledging such difficult feelings is the first step in determining whether you're in an unhealthy relationship or if these emotions are an indication of deeper issues affecting your relationship health. Often, hateful feelings are a negative reaction to unresolved tensions or emotional reactions that haven't been adequately addressed; that is a real relationship obstacle too. Ignoring or dismissing these strong feelings can lead to a cycle of resentment, further distancing you from the possibility of a healthier marriage. The Importance of Addressing the Issue Before you click off this article hear me out! Ignoring the problem won't make it go away; in fact, it exacerbates the conflict in romantic relationships. When issues like hateful feelings are left unattended, they can slowly erode the foundations of even long-term relationships: Trust, commitment, and a good faith belief that your partner wants a healthy relationship too. Facing the issue head-on is crucial for achieving healthier relationships and avoiding the dissolution of your marriage. Failing to engage in a genuine discussion of feelings can keep you stuck in a cycle of emotional distress, blocking the path to a loving relationship. Repair Is A Matter Of Time: Practical Advice to Transform Feelings of Hate into a Healthier Relationship Dynamic The primary aim of this article is to provide you with actionable steps to move from a bad relationship filled with difficult feelings to a healthier marriage. We will explore various aspects of relationship dynamics, emotional reactions, and how to achieve relationship goals that serve both partners. I'll address the communication skills that make or break the repair process. My ultimate hope is that by understanding and addressing the underlying issues causing intense feelings of hate, you'll be better equipped to cultivate a healthier, more loving relationship with your spouse by building healthy communication skills. Part 1: Understanding the Hate in Relationships Before we delve into practical advice, it's crucial to first understand the root of the negative reactions and strong feelings that manifest as hate in a marriage. This section will explore the emotional and psychological aspects behind these difficult feelings. We'll also discuss common triggers and relationship dynamics that may be contributing to an unhealthy relationship. Armed with this understanding, you'll be better prepared to take meaningful steps toward a healthier marital bond. The Origins of Negative Feelings In this section, we will explore some of the common roots of negative feelings that can poison even the most loving relationships. These include: Unresolved Conflict: The lingering issues that never seem to get settled, leading to festering resentment. Communication Barriers: A lack of open and honest communication can lead to misunderstandings and unmet relationship goals. Unmet Needs: Whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, unmet needs can build up over time, generating strong feelings of dissatisfaction. Personal Issues Like Mental Health Struggles: Sometimes the issue may not lie within the relationship dynamics but within individual struggles, like mental health conditions, that spill over into the relationship. If there is emotional abuse or physical abuse on a regular basis both partners will need to engage in individual counseling to get to the root of the behavior and healing from the abuse. Real relationship issues like abuse typically are not solved without professional help and a commitment to change. Outside of that understanding these origins is crucial for transforming a bad relationship into a healthier one. Common Misconceptions: The Complexity of Love vs. Hate Many people operate under some misconceptions when it comes to romantic relationships. One common misunderstanding is that love and hate cannot coexist. This section aims to clarify: Love vs. Hate: The Complexity: It's easy to assume that love and hate are polar opposites, but the truth is, that they often reside together in long-term relationships, creating emotional reactions that can be both powerful and perplexing. The Dual Existence of Love and Hate: You might love your spouse but also harbor difficult feelings towards them. Acknowledging this duality is crucial for improving relationship health. Impact on Judgment: These intense feelings can cloud your judgment and lead to negative reaction cycles, making it hard to see the root issues clearly. If we don't know how to communicate well it can feel like verbal abuse or an emotionally abusive relationship. Understanding these misconceptions is an essential step toward fostering healthier relationships. Is It Normal? Understanding the Spectrum of Feelings Navigating through difficult feelings in a committed relationship can be a complex task. You may be wondering: When hateful feelings are common: Every marriage has its ups and downs, and experiencing negative emotions is normal. However, constant feelings of hate are not healthy and warrant attention. When it's a sign of a deeper problem: If you find that difficult feelings are more frequent, it may be indicative of underlying issues. For example, Severe Mood Swings could point toward Mood Disorders or even Personality Disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, impacting not just the couple but the entire family. You can learn more about The Feeling Wheel here. Recognizing whether these feelings are a normal ebb and flow or a symptom of a larger issue is crucial for your relationship's health and the well-being of your family. Part 2: Understand the Impact on the Relationship In any long-term relationship, understanding the nuances and effects of your emotional reactions is crucial. As the second strategy in our guide, we aim to shed light on how your feelings, particularly negative ones, affect your relationship health. By acknowledging these dynamics, you create the foundation for constructive change and pave the way toward a healthier relationship. Ready for the details? Health of the Relationship In any marriage or long-term relationship, the overall health of the relationship is a pivotal concern. This section aims to help you identify indicators that your relationship may need some attention, focusing on signs of a poor relationship and the role of trust and vulnerability. Signs of a Poor Relationship Before addressing issues, it's essential to recognize the red flags that signal an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Here are five signs to watch out for: Frequent arguments that never reach a resolution Emotional or physical withdrawal from each other Lack of intimacy or affection Dishonesty or a series of broken promises Persistent feelings of resentment or contempt Trust and Vulnerability Trust serves as the foundation of a healthy, loving relationship. A lapse in trust can severely damage emotional closeness and create an atmosphere where showing vulnerability becomes a high-stakes risk. Recognizing the ways in which trust can be broken is crucial to understanding feelings of "hate" that may arise in a relationship. Here are some ways trust can be compromised: Infidelity or emotional affairs Financial dishonesty or hidden debts Repeated lying or deception Betrayal of personal confidence Consistent failure to meet commitments or promises Avoidant, disorganized, or anxious attachment styles Avoidant conflict style Poor communication leading to misunderstandings or assumptions These breaches in trust can significantly impact the emotional climate of a relationship, contributing to feelings of "hate" or intense resentment toward one's spouse. The Dynamics of Change Understanding how and why feelings and dynamics evolve in a relationship is crucial for identifying the root causes of negative emotions like hate or resentment. Reasons why feelings and dynamics change in relationships Life events like childbirth, job loss, or relocation Personality disorders affecting emotional stability for one or both partners Severe Mood Swings that destabilize the relationship environment Changes in individual goals or relationship goals Introduction of new stressors or responsibilities The Role of Resentment Long-standing grudges or unresolved conflicts Feeling unappreciated or taken for granted Emotional labor imbalance in day-to-day life Perceived unfairness in the distribution of chores or responsibilities Holding onto past betrayals or disappointments Resentment can serve as a corrosive element in relationships, undermining trust and leading to a vicious cycle of negative reactions and emotional distance. The Brink of Breakup When you find yourself on the precipice of ending your relationship, feelings of ambivalence often take center stage. At such times, questioning the legitimacy of the relationship becomes almost unavoidable, and this can significantly impact your relationship health. And forget trying to apply any sort of communication skills that may help! Check out the services I offer! Online Couples Counseling LGBTQ+ Couples Counseling Online Online Premarital Counseling Couples Communication Counseling Online Affair Recovery Online Counseling Online Discernment Counseling Online Individual Counseling Free Couples Counseling Consultation How We Question the Relationship's Legitimacy Doubting the depth and quality of your loving relationship Revisiting intense feelings of dissatisfaction or unhappiness Weighing the difficulties of single life against staying in an unhealthy relationship Considering the impact of possible Mood Disorders on your relationship dynamics Evaluating whether the relationship meets your long-term goals or serves only as a source of ongoing conflict and distress Experiencing relationship ambivalence can be a signal that you're at a crucial crossroads. It's a challenging space, fraught with emotional reactions and potential regrets, and it warrants serious introspection before taking irreversible steps. Part III: Coping Strategies Navigating through a bad relationship can be a daunting task, but certain coping strategies can help transform this journey into an opportunity for growth and a healthier marriage. Whether you’re experiencing a couple of months of conflict or a couple of years or more, it’s possible to work towards being a happy couple again if you have the right tools. Communication Prioritizing open and honest conversations Establishing safe spaces for dialogue Encouraging discussion of feelings to foster better understanding Communication is the cornerstone for strong intimacy skills. Open channels allow for the expression of difficult feelings and can lead to a healthier relationship dynamic. Learn more about communication here. Professional Help Exploring the role of therapists or relationship coaches Utilizing resources like online marriage counseling Assessments like the SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) to evaluate relationship health OK - who told you to skip the marriage counselors? Seeking professional help can often provide an objective perspective on the emotional reactions and issues at hand, offering tailored solutions to improve your romantic relationships. A happy couple knows that marriage counselors serve as a support and a resource if and when they should need it. According to research from The Gottman Institute couples wait six years before they seek help when conflict arises. Think about that - A couple of months turns into six years. And most committed relationships could benefit from building intimacy skills with a professional. Importance of Looking Inward In a relationship, it's easy to point fingers and blame the other party for the negative dynamics or emotional reactions that surface. However, it's crucial to spend time reflecting on one's own actions and feelings. Self-reflection can uncover personal issues like mental health struggles or even severe mood swings, which can significantly impact the relationship. Understanding oneself better is the first step toward creating a healthier marriage and long-term relationships. Learn more about how mental health affects our relationships here. Strategies for Self-Care Taking care of yourself is not a luxury; it's a necessity for maintaining a healthy relationship. A happy couple partner is one who intentionally fills their own tank. Part of the intimacy skills they bring to the marriage is secure attachement through self care. Regular Exercise: Physical health often correlates with emotional well-being. Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices can help manage stress and cultivate emotional balance. Boundaries: Clearly define what you are comfortable with in the relationship to prevent future misunderstandings and resentment. Hobbies and Interests: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Seek Professional Help: If you find it difficult to manage your emotions or navigate relationship challenges, therapists or relationship coaches can offer valuable insights. By adopting these coping strategies, the negative reaction you might have toward your spouse can be turned into an opportunity to achieve healthier relationships. Part IV: Special Cases Navigating relationships is a complex journey, and sometimes, the route you're on requires special attention or a drastic change in direction. Toxic Relationships Being in a toxic or bad relationship can have a debilitating impact on your emotional well-being. Such a relationship is often marked by constant negative reactions, intense mood swings, and even the crossing of clear boundaries. When To Let Go Prolonged Emotional Distress: If the relationship is causing you long-term subjective distress, it's a sign. Abuse or Manipulation: Any form of abuse is a non-negotiable signal to exit. Lack of Trust : When trust is eroded to the point of no return. Strategies for Exiting a Toxic Relationship Consult Professional Help: Therapists and relationship coaches can offer objective advice and coping strategies. Create a Support Network: Friends and family can provide the emotional support needed during this time. Legally Document Incidents: In extreme cases, keeping a record can be crucial for legal proceedings. Rebuilding Love After Emotional Damage Open Communication : Transparency is key to mending emotional wounds. Seek Couples Therapy: Utilizing resources like online marriage counseling can help provide the tools to repair the relationship. Renegotiate Relationship Goals : Both partners need to be on the same page about what they want moving forward. By understanding these special cases, you can equip yourself with the strategies needed to make informed decisions, whether it's to exit a bad relationship or rebuild a long-term one. Conclusion Navigating the emotional labyrinth of a relationship, especially one marred by difficult feelings or even hatred, is no easy task. But by confronting the issue head-on, utilizing coping strategies, and recognizing when to seek professional help, you can move from an unhealthy relationship dynamic to a healthier one. The journey toward relationship health is often a complex process requiring time, effort, and a strong willingness to change from both parties involved. Frequently Asked Questions about Resolving Feelings of "Hatred" Towards Your Partner 1. Is it normal to feel like I hate my spouse? It's not uncommon to have strong feelings of dislike or even hatred at times, but persistent feelings may indicate a deeper problem, possibly requiring professional intervention like online marriage counseling. 2. Can a relationship recover from such intense feelings? Yes, with concerted effort, open communication, and possibly professional help, many relationships have transformed from being on the brink of breakup to achieving their relationship goals. 3. What role can professional help play in this scenario? Therapists, counselors, or relationship coaches can provide an impartial view, coping mechanisms, and can guide you through structured assessments like the SYMBIS to evaluate relationship health. 4. How do I know if the relationship is toxic? Signs of a toxic relationship include constant negative reactions, emotional or physical abuse, and a cycle of manipulation. 5. How can self-care help me in this situation? Self-care is crucial for emotional well-being. When you take care of yourself, you're in a better state to address relationship dynamics. Strategies for self-care might include physical exercise, mindfulness techniques, or even spending some time living a single life to gain perspective. By considering these questions and the information provided in this article, you're taking a meaningful step towards a healthier, loving relationship with your spouse.

Marriage counseling has saved hundreds of thousands of relationships from collapse. But not every couple is in the right place to find success. Here are the most common reasons not to go to couples counseling. 6 Reasons Not to Go To Couples Therapy 1. You haven't discussed couples counseling with your partner. The decision to go to counseling should be made by both partners. To schedule a surprise appointment and drag your partner into the session without talking about it first would be a mistake. Be prepared to answer questions your partner might have, such as the cost and time commitment. Think carefully about the right way to bring up the topic of marriage counseling so that your partner doesn't feel blindsided. 2. You are unwilling to go all in. Of all the reasons not to go to couples therapy, this is a big one. When considering whether or not couples counseling would be helpful to your relationship, have an honest conversation with yourself. Are you actually willing to work things out? The real work happens after the sessions with your counselor. It takes emotional labor to lean in and hear your partner’s honest feelings and to accept when change is needed. You must be prepared to accept that things need to change in order to move forward. If you aren’t willing to do the work, counseling will likely be unsuccessful. For many people, the hesitancy for couples therapy comes down to the fear of honesty - what if I hear or say something hurtful? What if couples counseling just makes things worse? A good therapist will talk openly about these fears and guide you through the communication process in a way that puts your fears at ease. Remember that things do not magically get resolved in just a few sessions. Just be sure that you are actually willing to commit to what it takes before investing your time and money. 3. You just want to complain. Sitting around with your friends and venting is very different from having a conversation with your therapist. While you may be tempted to spill all of the complaints you’ve bottled up since the last session, couples counseling is not a place to unleash anger or nitpick your partner. Therapy is not a place to tear each other down. Counseling sessions are a place not only to speak up, but also a place to listen. Each session should start with the positive mindset that each of you is there to support each other. Instead of stewing over the little things that irritate you, be solution-oriented. Come to your session ready to state the problem and offer solutions that will improve the quality of the relationship for both of you. When your partner begins to express a desire for change, actively listen. Active listening is an act that will quickly build healthy communication habits and repair trust. Even if you don’t like something your partner says, be sure to fully hear them out first and validate their feelings before responding. 4. You aren’t ready to share your secret. One of the biggest reasons not to go to couples counseling is that you're not prepared for full honesty. Infidelity and financial troubles are often the reason why someone keeps a secret from their partner. If you aren't willing to come clean, marriage counseling won't help. The number one goal of couples counseling is to create a space for mutual understanding and openness. The right therapist will help you figure out a plan for expressing your secret if you're ready to open up. 5. You want the counselor to do all the work. Tasking the counselor with having all the answers is an unrealistic expectation. Your counselor is there to help you uncover the reality that you have the power to repair your relationship. A therapist can help you recognize the root of relationship killers like maladaptive interaction styles and fizzling connections. But you must both be willing to accept change. This includes working on changing your own patterns and behaviors. Consider what you can do to promote positive outcomes during and between sessions. If you are working on being more honest with your partner about your needs, challenge yourself to speak up the next time the opportunity presents itself. If you are working on making your partner feel more valued in the relationship, proactively plan ways to do this. 6. You want things to stay the way they are. Both partners have to be open to the possibility of significant changes. Change can be difficult, especially when you’re being asked to change something about your own habits and behaviors. Be willing to take ownership of your responsibilities in creating meaningful progress throughout the couples counseling process. While it can be scary, change can ultimately lead you towards resolving significant problems in the relationship. A good couples counselor will help you and your partner create small, achievable goals that you can master over time. Eventually, the larger changes that once seemed daunting will feel within reach. Be open to allowing your relationship to evolve throughout the couples counseling process. Be sure to find a counselor that is right for your specific situation. Finding a specialized couples counselor near you can take time, and you want to make sure the counselor you choose is someone you both agree upon. Could your marriage use professional guidance? Couples counseling uses a research-based approach to improve communication and trust in your marriage. Ready to take the first step? Find out if couples counseling can improve your marriage. Call 833-934-3573 for your free, no-obligation consultation or Book an Appointment.

Since the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling on gay marriage in 2015, same-sex couples across the United States have begun tying the knot. And along with all the most rewarding parts of marriage, gay and lesbian couples also face the prospect of divorce when things don’t work out. As statistics about the gay divorce rate roll in, we can begin to understand what specific of issues affect gay couples. And while gay marriage affords us all equal rights, we also must recognize that having the same rights doesn’t mean we have the same relationships. Gay Marriage - Battle of the Sexes There are certain characteristics among males and females that can affect the way couples relate to each other. For example, women and men often have different communication styles and preferences . Research has also shown that lesbians tend to be more accepted by society than gay males. This may affect a couple’s relationship as it relates to family and community. Digging into the lesbian and gay divorce rates can shed some light on the issues that face different couples. By observing issues between same-sex couples, we can learn more about what works —and what doesn’t—within the institution of marriage. What is the Divorce Rate For Same-Sex Marriages? In 2011, researchers at UCLA analyzed divorce rates among same-sex couples in the 19 states that legally recognized their right to marry. They found that, on average, 1.1% of same-sex marriages ended in divorce, versus the 2% national average. But take those numbers with a grain of salt. Same-sex marriage has, in most countries, only been legal for a fairly short time. We have decades of data on heterosexual couples, but relatively little on LGBT married couples. That makes it difficult to draw any hard and fast conclusions from the gay divorce rate. Furthermore, many jurisdictions don’t track whether a divorce is between a gay or a straight couple. However, some data on the divorce rates among gay couples are worth exploring. In Denmark, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2012, the gay divorce rate stands at 17 percent . Now, compare that to the 47% divorce rate among the general population. It’s clear that members of the gay community are doing something differently. However, we need to be careful about painting with too broad a brush. Lesbians account for about 60 percent of same-sex marriages -- and 80 percent of same-sex divorces . Numbers out of the United Kingdom reflect a similar pattern —lesbians are two and a half times more likely to get divorced than gay males. What Can we Glean From Divorce Rates in the Gay Community? Women are more likely to initiate divorce. Women are more likely to file for divorce, even in opposite-sex marriages. In fact, women initiate divorce 70-80% of the time . So it makes sense that relationships with two women are more likely to end in divorce. But there’s another way to think about this. When no-fault divorce became the norm in the 1960s and 70s, divorce rates skyrocketed. And the vast majority of those marriages were dissolved at the woman’s behest. So perhaps the takeaway here isn’t that life is more tumultuous with women involved. Instead, it seems that women are less likely to stay in unhappy relationships. Women have higher expectations. Women tend to have higher expectations of a relationship, making it harder for their partners to meet those expectations. It's a safe assumption that this could be one reason why lesbians have a higher divorce rate. And before you protest that women having higher standards sounds like a stereotype, there’s ample research to suggest that there’s some truth to it. What Can We Learn From LGBTQ Relationships? One longitudinal study conducted by relationship experts Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman found that LGBT couples and straight couples are more or less comparable when it comes to relationship satisfaction. However, other studies produced different results. The Journal of Family Psychology found that same-sex couples had happier relationships . With that said, here are a few pieces of wisdom we’ve learned about relationships from the LGBTQ community. 1. Manage conflict with love and humor. Gottman’s study found that same-sex couples were more likely to talk about disagreements with love and humor. Learning to navigate conflict respectfully can be difficult, This is especially true if you grew up in a high-conflict household. But approaching your concerns with good humor is crucial for maintaining a happy home. 2. Avoid attempts to “control” the situation. The study also found that heterosexual couples were more likely to attempt to exert control during an argument. Belligerence, hostility, and other domineering behaviors are less common among gay couples. This difference may help explain the slightly lower divorce rate among same-sex compared to opposite-sex couples. 3. Don’t take it personally. Gay and lesbian couples are more positively affected by positive interactions and less negatively affected by negative ones. The reverse was true for straight couples. “This trend,” says Gottman, suggests that gay and lesbian partners tend to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally.” 4. Keep calm. Have you ever been so upset that you feel it in your chest? Those feelings of physiological aggravation occur less frequently among same-sex couples. This suggests that LGBT couples find it easier to calm down and de-escalate. Understanding how to keep your wits about you during a disagreement can help you improve communication with your spouse. 5. Pull Your Weight Studies also suggest that same-sex relationships are more egalitarian than heterosexual relationships. Sharing household responsibilities equally is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Whether it’s chores, childcare, or finances, it's important for both parties to pull their weight. Final Thoughts In looking at the gay divorce rate, one thing is for sure: every relationship has its ups and downs. No matter your sexuality, you’re bound to experience relationship difficulties at one point or another. But the foundation of all marriages is love and mutual respect. It's important to take positive steps to manage conflict and communicate openly. If you need help communicating with your partner, you can book a free, no-obligation consultation with Great Lakes Counseling. At Great Lakes Counseling, we’re proud supporters of our LGBTQ neighbors in the Columbus area and beyond. We’ve established a sanctuary of love, respect, and open communication that benefits all couples, but this month we extend our support and gratitude to the LGBTQ community, who show us how to love boldly despite all obstacles.

If your partner responds to conflict with stonewalling, you probably find it extra difficult to have productive conversations. Stonewalling, also known as the silent treatment, can seriously jeopardize your relationship. What is Stonewalling In A Relationship? Stonewalling is a communication strategy whereby someone unilaterally decides to end a conversation and fails to respond. It can be incredibly frustrating for the person on the receiving end, who may feel ignored and grow increasingly angry. If your partner withdraws from the conversation and refuses to engage any further, they are likely stonewalling you. This may or may not be a conscious manipulation tactic to control the conversation. For some, stonewalling is a defense mechanism. But for others, it can be a form of manipulation or emotional abuse. If stonewalling is happening in your relationship, it's essential to try and address the issue head-on. Otherwise, it can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. What Leads to Stonewalling? There are a few things that can lead to stonewalling in a relationship. It's helpful to understand why your partner is avoiding the conversation so you can respond to the situation appropriately. One reason might be that the person is afraid of conflict and believes that by stonewalling, they can avoid it altogether. Conflict avoidance may be their way of preventing the situation from escalating. Another reason might be that the person feels overwhelmed and doesn't know how to express what they're feeling. So rather than try to express their feelings with words, they shut down and hope the conflict dies down. Lastly, stonewalling can be a way to control or manipulate the other person in the relationship. When dealing with stonewalling, it's essential to try to communicate with your partner and understand why they might be stonewalling. Once you know the reason, you can work on finding a solution together. 7 Steps for Dealing with Stonewalling in Your Marriage Coping with stonewalling from your spouse can be an incredibly frustrating and demoralizing experience. Being stonewalled adds insult to injury when you're in the middle of a conflict with your partner. Your partner must overcome this unhelpful tendency to prevent further strain on your relationship. Here's a step-by-step guide for handling stonewalling from your partner. 1. Treat it as a separate issue. If your partner is withdrawing from the conversation, wait until tensions have calmed. Then, sit down with your partner to discuss their refusal to have a conversation with you. Since stonewalling typically isn't a one-time occurrence, it deserves a discussion of its own. 2. Understand where the stonewalling is coming from. Ask your partner to help you understand why they feel they can't engage in difficult conversations. For example, they might not know how to express themselves. Or maybe they're frustrated by your communication style. Whatever the cause, you'll need to gain insight into their thought process to mend fences. If you believe your partner is using stonewalling to manipulate or control the situation, consider enlisting the help of a marriage counselor. Manipulation is often a sign of emotional abuse, and it's critical to address abusive patterns as soon as you notice them in your relationship. 3. Communicate how it makes you feel. Without making accusations, express to your partner how it feels when they shut down in the middle of a conversation. Use "I" statements to describe what it's like to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. 4. Express your desire to resolve conflict with love when it occurs. Even in a happy relationship, it's normal to have disagreements. And when you talk about your problems openly and honestly, you strengthen your relationship and gain a deeper understanding of one another. So communicate your desire for open and loving conversation. Let your spouse know that just because you get frustrated with them doesn't mean you love them any less. Express to them that you want to have difficult discussions because you love them. 5. Communicate that you want to hear their input. There are two sides to every conflict. And your partner deserves the opportunity to share their input. So let your spouse know you want to hear what they have to say. And most importantly, listen to them when they share their perspective. It's common for people to resort to the silent treatment when they don't feel listened to. While it's not appropriate to weaponize silence, you might find that your partner is less likely to resort to stonewalling if you give them the floor and listen. 6. Invite them to set boundaries. Your partner may be shutting down because they need some time to process their feelings. If that's the case, invite them to express their need for a "time out" so they can gather their thoughts before continuing the conversation. 7. Learn healthy communication strategies. Effective communication takes a lot of practice and a lot of work. Unfortunately, most people aren't born with great communication skills. And managing conflict with a loved one can be emotionally distressing, making it difficult to express oneself adequately. Fortunately, you can learn to be a better communicator. If you and your partner struggle to talk through issues in your marriage, consider getting help from a neutral third party. A marriage counselor will equip you with helpful communication strategies so you and your spouse can work through anything life throws your way. Final Thoughts With love, honesty, and mutual respect, it's possible to overcome stonewalling in your marriage. Remember that you and your spouse are working towards the shared goal of cultivating a strong and loving partnership. If you're feeling stuck in your relationship, it may be time to enlist the help of a marriage counselor. Stonewalling is a common problem in relationships and can be challenging to overcome on your own. A marriage counselor can help you and your partner identify the root causes of stonewalling and develop strategies for dealing with conflict in a more productive way. Learn more about how marriage counseling can help today.

Part 3 of 4 Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery. In this section: Meet Partners A and B The How and the Why of the affair Planning for success The Assessment Phase Affair Recovery Case Study: Partners A and B Partner A and Partner B have been in a committed relationship for two years. Partner A was married and had two young kids; Partner B has never been married and has no kids. Partner A wasn't sure they wanted any more kids because they had a nasty divorce with custody issues; it left A feeling negatively when thinking about more kids. Partner B may be able to live with that and also wonders if they might want kids down the road. A and B are in the maintenance phase after couples counseling to repair the relationship after Partner B caught Partner A texting with a coworker. B shared all the intimate details about the relationship with A with the coworker; Partner A doesn't know who this outside person is and also saw pictures the coworker sent to Partner B of them in the shower. Partner A considered this "cheating" and entered counseling. Partner B engaged in couples counseling to repair the damage caused by their inappropriate dialogue with the coworker. They came into counseling without talking about how and why it happened. Partner A wanted to know all the details, and Partner B wanted to move on; A wasn't getting their questions answered. B had recommitted to the relationship and believed talking about the coworker was unproductive. The partners went through The Assessment Phase and learned that both partners experienced "gridlock" over their different positions regarding children. Partner B tried to discuss their differences, and Partner A shut down or stonewalled the discussion. A was afraid that their differences would cause a breakup. Partner B thought they were doing the "right thing" by discussing it and would aggressively chase A until they responded. The dynamic between them spilled into all communication, and they frequently started arguing. Partner A and the coworker were assigned to a project and had worked together for a year, although not directly until now. The coworker overheard A on the phone with B; the conversation ended abruptly, very noticeably. This event sparked a discussion between the coworker and A; the coworker often started their meetings by asking how A was doing. This is when A begins down the slippery slope of stepping outside the relationship. A and the coworker started texting outside of work. In the nine months they spent communicating inappropriately, they had exchanged a few kisses and hugs - no sex. Neither the coworker nor A dared to take the relationship to the next level, and the space they were in felt comfortable and safe. Both relied on the affair for emotional support versus A turning towards B for the help they needed. THE HOW AND WHY OF THE AFFAIR: The dynamic change between Partner A and Partner B was how A related to B. Partner A experienced that it was easier to talk to the coworker than Partner B. Not because of anything B did wrong but because talking to Partner B brought up an intense feeling of FEAR for Partner A, so A avoided talking to avoid the intense emotions. The more Partner A shut down the conversation; the more Partner B pursued the conversation. Neither partner intended to upset the other, but their interaction escalated until they could no longer shrug it off, and the conflict sat in gridlock. Partner A found the attention and care from the coworker kind at first. The coworker shared commiserating stories about their failed attempts at relationships and communication. They spent a good chunk of their work time unproductive because of their talks; they both rationalized their joint lunches as catching up. Texts became more flirty during the day until one evening at 10:00 p.m.; the coworker texted Partner A to share a scene from a funny show they were watching. After that, the conversations became more personal, and the texts became sexts. The slippery slope of Partner A landed on thin ice. Partner A and the coworker began to keep an open dialogue through an app that wasn't so obvious to Partner B. Partner B felt the shift in Partner A's attention away from their conflict (having kids) and the gridlock they found themselves in. Their communication became bottlenecked, so Partner A leaned out of the relationship. Partner B found it helpful to talk about conflict and try to compromise. Partner A believed it was harmful to talk about something so serious. It was dangerous because it felt overwhelming and way too confrontational. After Partner B discovered the affair, it took about a month for the truth to come out. Bit by bit, B drilled A to disclose where they saw each other. How far did it go? Do you still love me? Do you want to break up with me? Are you in love with the coworker? Both partners agreed that forgiveness and healing seemed like a Herculean feat and decided to come into counseling. However, they both knew they wanted to stay together and work it out. Planning for success: Partner A and Partner B found a couples counselor with whom they felt comfortable. They started with a consultation where they met the counselor via telephone for about 20 minutes. The counselor explained the phases of counseling, how they would support the couple, which tools they prefer to use and why, and what they can expect from live sessions. They were screened for intention and commitment to the process. Terri's Tip: A wife once told me at the beginning of a session, "You better do something quickly because I can't take this anymore!" It's not the counselor's job to "fix" your problems or play referee. Instead, we serve as a coach to help the players perform at their highest level. We coach each of you to strive to be the best version of yourself during the repair process. The Assessment Phase: The counselor met with them together during the initial intake. The couple shared how they met, what initially attracted one to the other, and where they grew up. They discussed the affair, each partner's perspective, and how it affected them. During this first session, the counselor lays out the blueprint for the couple. The phases, the benefits, the risks, and the commitment needed to achieve the best outcome. The most important thing for the couple is that things may get worse before they get better, and the couple must accept this. Warning! Couples tend to want to quit when the rubber hits the road and the conflict intensifies. If you get to the point where you want to leave, tell your counselor! We know it's not personal; it's a desire to avoid making things worse! We can help you work through that urge to chuck it. The counselor learned that Partner B had a higher level of emotional intelligence than Partner A; B was relatively skilled and comfortable sharing strong emotions with A. Until the conflict between the partners regarding children arose, A was always supportive and a great listener when B expressed strong feelings. However, this time it was different; the intense emotions were about A's response to the conflict between them. Their parent's volatile relationship influenced partner A's emotional intelligence. A's mother had difficulty regulating her emotions and acted out frequently. Dad would stay gone during Mom's emotional flare-ups, leaving A to care for the younger siblings because Mom couldn't function. As a result, partner A learned to suck it up and move on. Talking about emotions wasn't even on A's radar. Why? What good would it do? Who would even listen? The counselor began to formulate a dysfunctional communication cycle between the partners. Partner B expressed frustration that A wouldn't initiate a conversation about their differing positions regarding future children. B believes talking it out would help the couple find a solution. Partner B was expecting A to open up because of the frustration expressed. B believed simply expressing the frustration would motivate A to want to talk. Partner B's message changed from complaint to criticism when A still didn't open up. What's wrong with you? There you go again, walking away! You don't care about me! Partner A was avoiding talking through the conflict about future kids and now avoiding talking to B about anything below the surface. It felt too chaotic and unsafe, so Partner A kept any conversation very light and surface. Partner B felt Partner A pull away and became even more frustrated. A and B agreed they were at an impasse. How they related to each other changed; therefore, how they behaved toward each other changed. The couple moved into the Intervention Phase with an understanding of the dysfunctional pattern that caused them to feel negatively towards each other more times than not. Up next: Part 4: Successful Reconciliation Back to Part 2: Reconciliation After Infidelity Back to Part 1: Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity

Part 4 of 4 Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery. In this article: Continued from Part 3: Affair Recovery for Partners A and B Review of the Assessment Phase The Intervention Phase The Maintenance Phase Pulling It All Together In Conclusion BONUS! 10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid after Infidelity Affair Recovery The counselor began to formulate a dysfunctional communication cycle between the partners. Partner B expressed frustration that A wouldn't initiate a conversation about their differing positions regarding future children. B believes talking it out would help the couple find a solution. Partner B was expecting A to open up because of the frustration expressed. B believed simply expressing the frustration would motivate A to want to talk. Partner B's message changed from complaint to criticism when A still didn't open up. What's wrong with you? There you go again, walking away! You don't care about me! Partner A was avoiding talking through the conflict about future kids and now avoiding talking to B about anything below the surface. It felt too chaotic and unsafe, so Partner A kept any conversation very light and surface. Partner B felt Partner A pull away and became even more frustrated. A and B agreed they were at an impasse. How they related to each other changed; therefore, how they behaved toward each other changed. The couple moved into the Intervention Phase with an understanding of the dysfunctional pattern that caused them to feel negatively towards each other more times than not. Unfortunately, partner A got sucked into a vortex of turning to another person as a coping mechanism versus leaning into the conflict with Partner B. Warning! If you are the partner who was cheated on, know this - unless your partner is abusive or a serial cheater, the behavior of cheating isn't usually a reflection of how the cheater feels about you. As crazy as it sounds, it is very often a harmful coping mechanism for dealing with conflict. A couples counselor can help you figure that out. During the assessment phase, Partner A and Partner B helped the counselor identify the health of the way the partners related to each other before the affair. Partner A experienced danger from Partner B's escalating emotional distress and responded by shutting down and stonewalling. Partner B experienced intense frustration and disconnection from Partner A and also withdrew. Had the counselor skipped the assessment phase, the couple would start the process solely focused on the affair. Without structure, communication collapses under the weight of each partner's focus on what they're not getting from the other partner. Instead, two motivated partners fully participating go through a discovery process together. The counselor mapped out the communication between Partner A and Partner B, influenced by how one partner related to the other. The couple recalled the early part of their relationship when they used to stay on the phone all night because one was working out of town. The lens through which they each saw the relationship - the relation of one partner towards the other - was upbeat and bright. Partner A began to relate to Partner B differently. Failed communication lead to negative interactions more frequently. A didn't feel equipped to deal with serious conversations (the future kids) and didn't understand why Partner B couldn't let it go for now. They weren't even engaged. Partner B also changed the relation to Partner A. B experienced A's need to flee the conflict as apathy and frequently felt let down and disappointed. B's resentment over A's abysmal response to the conflict led to silent punishment. B believed A would notice the cold shoulder, which would motivate enough to change. Both partners acknowledged this conclusion and the diagnosis: High conflict caused by dysfunctional communication. Both partners recognize the symptoms: frequent arguments, unresolved business, avoidance, leaning out of the relationship, and an affair. The counselor reminds the couple that the intervention phase will be difficult and it will be essential to dig into the interventions chosen to help the couple improve communication. The Intervention Phase: This is where the relationship between the couple and the counselor changes. It goes from triadic interaction, in that the counselor talks to Partner A, Partner B, and both A and B together, to dyadic interaction, where Partner A and Partner B talk to each other in session, and the counselor coaches and teaches in real-time. The first session in the intervention phase includes the counselor introducing an intervention to help the couple unlearn automatic responses to the other partner's expression of thoughts and feelings. Partner A still felt very uncomfortable with Partner B's strong emotions, and the counselor was there to talk A down from the urge to shut down and "run." With the counselor's help, Partner B learned to speak their truth by focusing on what they experienced versus what Partner A was doing or not doing, which caused a strong emotional response. Partner B's new focus on "I think, I feel, I need, I want..." and coaching from the counselor resulted in Partner A learning how to listen actively. Partner A discovered that disagreement isn't an indication of a failing relationship, and the intense fear dulled enough to allow engagement in Both partners also learned that not every problem between them has a simple answer. For example, partner B worried that years would pass before they figured out whether or not to have future kids and didn't want to find out ten years down the road they still couldn't work it out. Partner A learned the skill of self-soothing, which resulted in calm during discussions. Partner A put the effort in during sessions and with Partner B outside of counseling. It finally sunk in for A that Partner B needed a more secure bond. As it turns out, Partner A needed the same thing. The couple now had a common goal - strengthening the bond between them. Partner A actively listened to Partner B's hurt over the affair with empathy and care; A owned the behavior and authentically and meaningfully apologized to B. Likewise, Partner B could listen to Partner A's apology and learn to accept it. Mistake! If you're "what if-ing" or "yea, but-ing" me, I'll say this - if you don't follow a blueprint during the repair process, it will be harder to rebuild trust. But, of course, there are exceptions to that blanket statement. The counselor chose several interventions that taught the couple how to strengthen their bond. The Maintenance Phase began for Partner A and Partner B when they both reported a consistent flow of respectful and calm communication. While Partner B still felt hurt over the affair, there was an understanding of what happened; Partner A answered most of the questions B had. When Partner B felt "triggered" by the affair, B discussed it with Partner A, who turned their attention to Partner B and worked to help B self-soothe. They started to turn towards each other and ask for what they wanted and needed versus stonewalling and criticizing. Are there times the couple fights and occasionally falls back into old patterns? Of course! And they recognize it - sometimes laugh about it - and they resolve it and move on. Terri's Tip: Repair doesn't have to be perfect! You may take two steps forward and one step back or five steps forward and two steps back. Everyone's blueprint has similarities, and they're different! So don't let setbacks demotivate you - keep trying! Pulling It All Together Both partners must be committed to the repair process when entering couples counseling. One person leaning out of the relationship creates an added layer of complexity that may damage the bond versus strengthen it. When a couple starts counseling because of an affair and the partners want to repair it, the cheater is usually overly accommodating and the cheated-upon excessively vigilant. As a result, parental blocks on the phone or regular inspections of text messages and social media are common. While certainly a deterrent, keeping the core conflict in the dark by focusing on the symptoms only causes continued ruptures in the future. Had Partners A and B worked with a counselor who focused solely on the affair versus the root of their conflict, the pattern of dysfunctional communication was likely to continue. The couple had a different opinion on a big issue - whether or not to have kids. Partner B preferred to talk about the subject, but Partner A felt it was too risky and avoided it. Thus, they were in chronic conflict. Partner B became the pursuer, and A's fight or flight caused withdrawal. This dysfunctional cycle puts both partners into a negative mindset about the relationship. Partner A coped with the negativity by allowing a coworker into their "inner circle," which caused B to be on the "outs." Coping by affair was discovered by Partner B and caused a significant rupture in the relationship. The couples counselor helped each partner learn how to speak their truth by keeping it about what they want and need versus what the other person was not giving them. The counselor also helped each partner listen to the other person's truth and respond meaningfully. In conclusion Many counselors provide couples counseling, but not every counselor is trained to help couples reconcile after infidelity. To find the right counselor, set up a consultation that is 15 minutes long and ask the provider how they approach setting up a blueprint for the repair. Ask the counselor how they assess the couple's needs to get to the core conflict. What interventions do they find helpful? What do they consider success, which should not include all couples ending happily ever after. Don't be afraid to question the clinician, so you feel confident that the time, effort, and money you'll be putting into couples counseling is well worth the investment. Lastly, for repair to be successful, both partners must want to and be willing to work toward the repair. If even one partner is leaning out of the relationship, couples counseling is premature and will fail. On the other hand, if you're both ready to take it on, it's possible to end up in a healthier place than before the affair. So stay calm, believe anything is possible, and open your heart to forgiveness and change. UP NEXT: BONUS PUBLICATION !- 10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid after Infidelity Back to Part 1: Blueprint to Reconciling After Infidelity Back to Part 2: Reconciliation After Infidelity Back to Part 3: Affair Recovery for Partners A and B

Maintaining a satisfying sex life with your chosen partner is a significant pillar of any healthy relationship. But research suggests it also has a surprising impact on your overall mental health. On the flip side, a sudden change in your libido could indicate the presence of a mental health concern, including depression, anxiety, or a mood disorder. Here’s everything the science has revealed so far about the connection between sex and mental health. Depression and Intimacy Low sex drive is among the most common complaints of those living with depression. Depression can cause you to lose interest in many of the things you used to find enjoyable - including intimacy with your partner. In addition, many of the medications prescribed to treat depression can also cause a lowered libido. The lack of intimacy that accompanies mental illness can exacerbate feelings of isolation, ultimately worsening symptoms. It can also be a source of contention in your relationship. Anxiety and Intimacy Anxiety can also negatively affect your libido. When you're stressed, your body releases a hormone called cortisol, which has a dampening effect on your desire for intimacy. Furthermore, it can be hard to relax and enjoy much of anything, especially intimate encounters, when you have other things on your mind. Mood Disorders, Addiction, and Risky Behaviors On the opposite end of the spectrum, people suffering from mood disorders or addiction risk taking their desires too far. People who suffer from mood disorders are more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as unprotected sex, drug use, and driving under the influence. For example, some people engage in risky sexual behaviors during a manic episode, putting themselves at risk of contracting STIs or damaging their relationship with their partner. The interplay between your relationships, sex and mental health means it's vital to be proactive about practicing mental hygiene. You should never hesitate to seek professional help if you experience an uncharacteristic slump in your mood and libido. Is Sex Good for Mental Health? Physical intimacy with your chosen partner has several benefits for your mental health and overall relationship satisfaction. It Releases Feel-Good Hormones Your brain responds to physical affection and intimacy by releasing hormones that elevate your mood by activating "pleasure centers" in your brain. These hormones include: Oxytocin - The Love Hormone: Oxytocin is often referred to as the love hormone because it plays a role in social bonding, reproduction, and child-rearing. Oxytocin is released when you engage in intimate behaviors. Oxytocin has many benefits, including reducing anxiety and stress, promoting relaxation, and increasing feelings of trust, love, and empathy. Serotonin -The Happy Hormone: Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays a role in mood, sleep, memory, and learning. It's often referred to as the 'happy hormone' because it's associated with feelings of well-being and happiness. A lack of serotonin is a major contributing factor to depression. Dopamine - The Reward Hormone: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a role in the brain's reward system. It's released when we eat, exercise, or experience pleasure. Dopamine is also involved in learning and memory. A lack of dopamine is associated with depression, Parkinson's disease, and other conditions. Flooding a sad brain with these feel-good hormones creates feelings of relaxation and contentment while helping fight off bouts of depression and anxiety. It Boosts Confidence Spending more time wrapped up between the sheets with your partner does more than stimulate the release of feel-good hormones. Physical intimacy also boosts self-confidence and improves self-perception, leading you to have an overall more positive attitude about yourself. It's unclear whether the confidence results from the surge of positive hormones or the mere knowledge that someone you're attracted to is also attracted to you. But either way, self-confidence is a crucial ingredient for breaking a depressive spell. It Strengthens Emotional Connections One more bonus side effect of all those feel-good hormones is that they help you feel closely bonded to your partner, which fights off the feelings of loneliness that often accompany depression. If you want to break love down into a science, oxytocin is the magic neurotransmitter that activates sensations of trust, togetherness, and happiness, and being intimate triggers its release. Improve Your Mental Health and Your Love Life Will Follow When you feel depressed or anxious, it can be tough to find the energy to connect with your partner in a meaningful way. Luckily, working on your mental health can help improve your relationship both in the bedroom and out. In turn, a strong relationship provides social support that can protect your mental health during tough times. Research has found that people in happy relationships and marriages are less likely to experience anxiety and depression. While the connection between a happy, healthy sex life and mental health is undeniable, physical intimacy is no substitute for qualified mental health support. If your mental health is suffering, be sure to speak to a qualified mental health professional as soon as possible. Final Thoughts The science of intimacy is complex, but by improving your mental well-being, you can also improve the level of intimacy in your relationships. It's a win-win! A couples counselor can help you and your partner work together to improve your mental health and physical intimacy. Opening the lines of communication about your needs and concerns when it comes to mental health and intimacy will ultimately help you reclaim your relationship and build a foundation of mutual support. Sign up for your judgment-free session with a certified couples counselor today if you're ready to take control of your mental health and improve intimacy in your relationship.