Part 1 of 4 of Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity

If you're in a long-term relationship, you're probably no stranger to conflict. Of course, it's normal for couples to have arguments. But if your arguments are becoming more frequent, you likely have some communication issues that need to be addressed. Becoming a better communicator is critical in keeping a healthy relationship . The secret? It often means breaking long-standing bad habits. Communication is a skill like any other—the more you practice, the better you get at it. And the truth is that most of us need a lot of practice. So let's look at some of the most common communication issues in relationships—and how to solve them. 1. Keeping Your Mouth Shut Have you ever been upset with your partner and decided that it's just not worth it to put your feelings out in the open? When you keep your mouth shut, you may be avoiding conflict in the moment -- but you might be inadvertently building feelings of resentment. Moreover, you probably have a valid reason to feel the way you do, and when you choose to communicate about a problem, you choose to solve it. What to Do Instead Take a moment to think about the feelings coming up before communicating those feelings to your partner. It helps to start with an "I feel" statement to avoid the blame game. 2. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind When you're in a long-term relationship, you might feel like your partner should have an innate sense of how you feel in any given situation. So you create a set of expectations for your partner – but you probably don't communicate those expectations. And when your partner fails to meet those expectations, it feels like a major slight. What to Do Instead In many situations, your partner probably could anticipate your feelings. But most of us aren't great at being empathetic 100% of the time – no matter how much we love our partner. So instead of expecting them to read your mind, express yourself freely – and diplomatically. You might start to notice that the more you open up to your partner, the better they'll get at reading your mind! 3. Snapping At Your Partner If you tend to "snap" at your partner, there's a good chance you picked up that bad habit long before you met your partner. The tendency to snap often stems from the communication skills you learned as a kid, and it can wreak havoc on your relationship if you don't learn healthier communication skills. What to Do Instead Your instinct to bite someone's head off is often more about how you're feeling in the moment than what the other person has said or done. So when you feel agitated, take a few deep breaths and acknowledge that it's okay to feel that way. Then, get into a problem-solving mindset. Talk to your partner about why you're upset and work with them to address the issue. 4. Not Really Listening Be honest – how often do you put your feelings aside and try to understand where your partner is coming from? It's one of the most challenging things to do in conflict, especially when dealing with a problem of an emotional nature. But if you can't empathize with your partner, your communication issues will always eat at your relationship. When it comes to communication, listening is the most crucial part. Once more, a little louder – listening is the most important part of communication . What to Do Instead If you're in the middle of a heated conversation, take a few moments to cool down. Then, take turns explaining your perspective to each other. When your partner is speaking, resist the urge to talk. Instead, put your energy into putting yourself in your partner's shoes. Finding ways to relate to one another will help you work through your feelings – and you'll become closer as a result. 5. The Silent Treatment There's never a good reason to give your partner the silent treatment. Passive aggression has no place in healthy communication, and using a lack of communication as a weapon is a double-whammy of relationship toxicity. You'll have to use words to sort things out -- no matter what your partner has said or done. What to Do Instead If you're giving your partner the cold shoulder, be honest with yourself about your intentions and how you envision the ideal outcome. On the other hand, if you need a few moments to collect yourself, let your partner know that you need to sort through your feelings and calm down. Either way, keep the lines of communication open. 6. Avoiding Conflict Conflict avoidance can take many forms, from swallowing your feelings to changing the subject. Some people go out of their way to avoid having difficult conversations. But whatever emotions you're suppressing are bound to come back in one form or another. If you're naturally conflict-avoidant, it's possible that you developed that trait when you were growing up. Maybe you don't have the language to express yourself adequately, or perhaps you're worried about causing a rift in your relationship. What to Do Instead Whatever the issue is, it might be worth speaking to a therapist about why open communication is difficult for you. They can help you learn how to express your feelings and give you the communication tools to process conflict productively. That way, when an issue arises in your marriage, you can confront the issue directly with your partner. 7. Rehashing Past Arguments Do you ever bring up the past when you're arguing with your partner? If you find yourself running through a mental "rap sheet" when you're in the middle of a conflict, check yourself – did you bring those issues up when they arose? And if so, did you resolve them ? If you're invoking problems from the past, you might just be building a case for yourself rather than trying to resolve the issue at hand. What to Do Instead Always communicate about issues as they come up. And when you've kissed and made up, consider that issue off the table in future arguments. But if you didn't say anything at the time, it's not fair to pull your partner up on that "offense" later. Final Thoughts Learning how to communicate effectively and solve problems with your partner is a lifelong endeavor, and often we have to unlearn the bad habits we picked up when we were younger and less self-aware. Always tell your partner how you're feeling, and be honest with yourself about where you may have erred. No matter the issue, keep love and respect front and center as you navigate conflict. Working with your partner is the key to healthier communication habits. But healthy communication is always easier said than done. If you and your partner struggle to find peaceful resolutions to the issues in your marriage or relationship, a couples therapist can help. Schedule a free, no-obligation consultation with Great Lakes Counseling today. Together, we'll help you learn how to express yourself effectively so you can resolve your differences and strengthen your relationship. Learn More

For LGBT couples, counseling often goes beyond the scope of “traditional” couples therapy. Here’s everything you need to know. Finding a couples counselor who understands the unique needs of a gay or lesbian relationship can be challenging. Many marriage difficulties are universal, but there are some unique features of same-sex relationships that require LGBT couples counseling. Any marriage counselor in 2022 should be welcoming and understanding of same-sex couples. But not every relationship counselor understands how to deal with gay and lesbian marriage problems. Let’s look at some of the most common relationship problems that same-sex couples face. Then, we can better understand how therapy can help LGBT couples overcome these unique obstacles. Why Do Same Sex Couples Have Different Needs in Couples Counseling? Many factors influence a couple’s needs in counseling. For same-sex couples, those needs are shaped by the lived experience of each partner as a member of the LGBTQIA community. Gender roles, masculine and feminine traits, and relationship expectations also play a role. Because of these factors, same-sex relationships often function differently from opposite-sex relationships. So it’s essential to understand what kinds of issues commonly come up in LGBT couples counseling. So what exactly makes a same-sex relationship unique? Here are some common issues that LGBT couples have to face. Family Acceptance While most Americans now support same-sex marriage , that hasn't always been the case. Many gay people grew up in households where their families didn’t accept them. Those from religious or conservative backgrounds may have less support in their relationship. And unfortunately, lack of family acceptance can cause a rift between partners. Openness and Coming Out It’s common for same-sex couples to be at different stages of “coming out.” For example, one person might have been out for many years while the other is newly embracing their sexuality. When one half of the relationship is ready to publicly celebrate love and the other is opposed, the discrepancy can cause problems in the relationship. Mental Health Issues Unfortunately, members of the LGBT community are much more likely to experience mental health and substance abuse problems than straight and cisgender people. Mental health problems can take a considerable toll on a relationship , especially if those issues are rooted in discriminatory experiences and trauma related to a person’s sexual identity. How LGBT Couples Counseling Can Help The good news is that a couples counselor who understands these unique issues can help you navigate through these hardships. Here are a few ways that an LGBTQ-friendly counselor can benefit your relationship. Better Communication Many members of the LGBTQ community have grown up feeling that they have to “hide” parts of themselves, meaning that although they might be in the presence of a loving partner, they may find it difficult to communicate openly. Couples therapy will help you open the lines of communication with your partner. Most relationship problems stem from a lack of effective communication, so learning those skills can have a tremendous impact on the quality of your relationship. Mutual Understanding Gay and lesbian marriage counseling focuses on reaching a place of understanding. In other words, each party should be on the same page about relationship expectations. However, reaching mutual understanding isn’t always easy. It can mean digging deep into each other’s experiences as a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person navigating love and heartbreak. Opening up about these issues in couples therapy can give you a better understanding of your partner and help you handle relationship issues when they arise. Overcoming Relationship Obstacles Every relationship has its ups and downs. But, for same-sex couples, those obstacles might be fundamentally different from heterosexual couples. Often, complex issues befall otherwise happy same-sex couples, and as hard as those issues are to deal with, they may not necessarily indicate “trouble in paradise.” Take, for example, the case of a lesbian couple in therapy. When the issue of child-rearing arises, the question of who carries the child might be a source of contention. These kinds of problems are often unique to gay and lesbian couples. No matter how much love exists between two people, such questions can be hard to navigate without help from a neutral third party. 3 Things to Look For in an LGBTQ Friendly Couples Counselor It’s important for lesbian and gay couples in counseling to feel assured that their concerns are understood and addressed. So here are the top three things to look for when searching for lesbian or gay marriage counseling. 1. Understanding of LGBTQ Relationships Your marriage counselor should understand the types of issues that affect LGBTQ couples. They should be able to help you connect the dots between your feelings, your partner’s feelings, and your relationship in the context of your sexuality. Often, this can mean helping you overcome issues in your relationship related to your sexuality. 2. Experience with Same-Sex Couples Counseling You don’t necessarily need to find a couples counselor who is themselves a member of the LGBT community. But it may be helpful to ask a prospective counselor whether they’ve worked with gay and lesbian couples before. Like any profession, marriage counselors learn a lot on the job. Your counselor's experience with LGBT couples can affect your experience in couples therapy. 3. Acceptance and Open-Mindedness Your relationship counselor must be accepting and open-minded towards you and your partner. It’s of paramount importance that you feel comfortable sharing your true self with your marriage counselor. Be wary when choosing where to seek counseling. There are some practices that may have antiquated ideas about marriage and relationships. Others may not be “up to date” on how to handle sensitive topics that affect LGBT people. If you ever feel judged or discriminated against, it’s time to find a new therapist. Final Thoughts In many ways, same-sex couples are better equipped than their heterosexual neighbors at navigating the pitfalls of love. But there are some parts of a same-sex relationship that may necessitate LGBT couples counseling. Finding a couples therapist who understands how to approach these topics is vital to a healthy relationship. At Great Lakes Counseling, we understand the challenges that gay and lesbian couples face. We’re proud to offer our services – and love – to our LGBTQ neighbors in Columbus, OH and beyond. We extend our love and support to members of the gay community here and beyond. Learn more about how couples counseling can help you improve communication in your relationship.

Have you ever felt guilty that your depression is affecting your marriage? Does it feel like depression is the third wheel in your relationship, coming between you and your spouse? It's hard enough to navigate through the pain of depression as an individual. But when you're experiencing depression in marriage, you may feel like you're dragging your partner down with you. Your partner vowed to stick with you in sickness and in health, and thankfully, overcoming depression can actually be easier when you have the love of your life by your side. Understanding Depression It's normal to experience highs and lows, but if your lows don't subside after a short time, it could be a sign of depression. However, it's important to distinguish between "the blues," or situational depression, and clinical depression. Situational depression Situational depression is depression that is primarily caused by life events. Sometimes the gravity of a particular scenario can become mentally and physically overwhelming, manifesting itself as depression. Events that may trigger situational depression include: Problems or dissatisfaction at work or school Illness or injury Death of a loved one Moving Relationship problems Financial stress You might not even realize that you're suffering from situational depression. It's common to talk about situational depression in euphemistic terms such as "feeling mopey" or "being down." Conversely, you may confuse your situational depression for clinical depression if the problems in your life go unresolved. Situational depression will typically alleviate as you adjust or make positive changes. A licensed therapist can help you navigate those changes to overcome your depression. They'll also help you understand if your low mood may be due to clinical depression. Clinical depression Clinical depression , or major depressive disorder, is depression that is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. This chemical imbalance can occur for many reasons, including genetics, lifestyle factors, or giving birth . Symptoms of clinical depression include: Persistent low mood Feelings of hopelessness Loss of motivation and interest in enjoyable activities Lack of energy Problems sleeping Low sex drive Clinical depression must be diagnosed by a medical professional. There are various treatment options available, including medication, therapy, and lifestyle improvements. But the first step is always to talk about how you feel - especially if it's affecting your relationship. How Does Depression Affect Marriages and Relationships? Even in the best of times, a relationship takes work. Everyone has certain vulnerabilities and tendencies that can cause friction in a relationship. If you're living with depression in marriage, your mental health can intrude upon your relationship in several different ways. Feelings of guilt You might feel immense guilt, as if your depression is "rubbing off" on your partner. Unfortunately, that guilt may compound the feelings of worthlessness that often accompany depression. Lack of communication It's common for those living with depression to have difficulty talking about their mental illness due to guilt, social stigma, or simply not having the language to express themselves. Your partner might not understand how you're feeling and may interpret the lack of communication as evasiveness. Or they might feel confused and need guidance on how to connect with you when you're in a depressive state. Lack of physical Intimacy When you're depressed, your sex drive might be one of the first things to go. A lack of physical intimacy can negatively affect your partner and exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Loss of interest in activities One of the main symptoms of depression is a waning interest in things that you once found joyful. Whereas before, you might have looked forward to going on dates and spending time with your partner, depression can kill your motivation to get out of the house and experience the world together. Feelings of loneliness and detachment Loneliness is a common symptom of depression. You may feel utterly detached from the people around you – even those you hold dearest. Your partner may feel helpless in their inability to connect with you. How to Cope With Depression in Your Marriage The good news is that having a partner by your side while you work to overcome depression can not only help you get back to normal – it can ultimately strengthen your relationship. Love is a powerful weapon against depression. While love can't magically cure mental illness, it can certainly help partners stay strong along the way. 1. Seek diagnosis and treatment. If your depression doesn't improve after two weeks, make an appointment with a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will speak with you about your symptoms and work with you to develop a treatment plan so you can start healing. 2. Keep the lines of communication open. It can be hard to talk about your feelings, especially when you're depressed. But the worst thing you can do is shut down emotionally. Instead, tell your partner what you're going through and let them know what you need from them. Check in with them each day about how you're feeling. It will help stave off feelings of loneliness and help you and your partner work as a team to overcome your depression. 3. Practice good mental hygiene together. Mental hygiene refers to the daily and weekly routines that we keep to help maintain our mental health. Eating healthy meals, exercising, and socializing are all forms of mental hygiene. You and your partner can encourage each other to adopt better habits, and it can be an excellent bonding experience. 4. Educate yourselves about depression. There's a lot to learn about depression and how to manage it. However, you and your partner might not feel quite so lost if you better understand how depression works. 5. Practice patience with yourself. It's important to give yourself grace when experiencing a depressive episode. Be patient if it takes a bit longer to get out of bed in the morning. Ask your spouse for a little extra patience, too. It takes time to overcome depression. 6. See a marriage counselor. A marriage counselor can help you and your spouse learn how to communicate better and overcome your mental illness as a team. While a marriage counselor can't treat you for your depression, they can help you learn how to cope with depression in your marriage. Are You Ready to Overcome Depression in Your Marriage? Depression in marriage is a common obstacle for many couples. Fortunately, you don't have to figure it out between you and your spouse - a licensed marriage counselor can help you. If you're ready to take the next step in learning how to cope with depression, book an appointment today with Great Lakes Counseling.

What exactly does "mental health" mean? We’ve compiled a glossary of the most common terms we use in our practice.