Terri Kern, Clinical Counselor
Dec 18, 20227 min
Updated: Sep 17, 2023
Part 3 of 3; My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me! is a 3-part series that explores the anatomy of the sexless marriage. The ideal audience is married or committed couples who want to take their sex lives from dead to divine! Understand your sexless marriage and fix it for good!
Part 2: How To Build Sexual Confidence In A Sexless Marriage
If you want to change your sex life by resolving your sexless marriage, know that you're not alone and there is hope. It will take work, but if you're willing to shift your mindset and take things slowly, you can repair the sexual intimacy in your marriage.
Start by getting out of the "I'm right!" mindset, learn to listen, and open your heart and mind as you communicate with your partner. Solve the problems that can be solved and accept those that can't. With patience, understanding, and a little effort, you can reignite your sex life and that of your partner.
Let’s review some info we’ve covered already regarding challenges with sexual intimacy.
Part 1:
An average of 20% of all marriages report being in a sexless marriage.
Early exposure to and education about sex are the foundations of our development as sexual beings and affect how we experience sexual intimacy as adults.
As we mature, we develop our individual sexuality, which is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, ethical, legal, historical, religious, and spiritual factors.” (W.H.O.)
Our sexuality determines how sexually healthy we are and our sexual desire; for instance, early exposure to sexual activity confuses a child, which may culminate in promiscuity later in life. Or growing up in a home where sex was demonized might become shame and guilt in romantic relationships as an adult.
Self-assessing your sexual health is excellent for rebuilding sexual intimacy with your spouse.
Part 2: Once you determine what you think of, how you feel about, and what sex means to you, a plan of action will become more obvious, and you can start building your sexual confidence and get back into the game!
In Parts 1 and 2 of My Sexless Marriage Is Killing Me! we considered the lens through which you experience the sexual relationship you have with your spouse and assessed the work you need to do on yourself to reclaim (or claim for the first time!) your sexual confidence.
In this post we’re going to turn the focus on to your partner and the relationship.
Many couples are surprised to find that discussing sex within their relationship is an uncomfortable topic, due largely to preconceived beliefs based on past experiences. By examining these ideas through Part 2 of this program, individuals can identify what works best for them in order to gain sexual confidence and empower themselves going forward.
Step 1: A serious shift in mental state
A lack of sex changes how we view our partners.
Let's be honest - sexless relationships involve a mindset we get stuck in, and our emotional connection suffers. We also battle physical effects too. As we age, physical changes affect both partners. Women experience physical symptoms such as hot flashes, night sweats, headaches, joint pain, sleep problems, and weight gain. They also report emotional symptoms, including sadness, anger, frustration, loss of interest in sex, and memory lapses. Men notice changes in their partners too. Their erections become less frequent, harder to maintain, and shorter in duration.
All events that make us feel fat, sweaty, and soft - the antithesis of sexy! When sex stops, our romantic relationship usually comes to a screeching halt as well, which then starts the domino effect of dysfunction.
Even for younger couples, the sexual vibe can be challenging. Moving from dysfunction to healthy with your spouse starts by shifting the focus away from frustration and satisfaction. Practical strategies to help you move in this direction, using respectful and constructive communication.
How marriage counseling helped John and Jenna
John and Jenna had been married for ten years. Everything was going well until they experienced a devastating miscarriage the year before. The experience left them both feeling broken in different ways - Jenna felt like a life dream had been taken away from her, while John felt disconnected from his baby and couldn't really grieve it fully.
Dysfunction took over, and communication between them was almost nonexistent; Jenna would criticize John for being "cold" towards her, which she believed to be proof that he didn’t care as much about their lost child as she did. On the other hand, John chose to stonewall rather than try to explain himself; why bother when she's just going to get even angrier? They had fallen into Negative Sentiment Override (NSO), a mindset we get into when we feel misunderstood, hurt, or brushed off.
⏩Try This! Sexless Relationships and our mindset are linked! Want to see if you are in NSO with your partner? Take this quiz!
The number one factor determining a relationship’s success is how we see our partner; couples who see each other positively despite conflict survive. Those who have unfinished business are the relationships that fail. NSO drives the lack of intimacy in most relationships.
Can too much sex lead to a complete lack of sex?
Things only got worse when they decided that trying for another baby was the best way to move past this tragedy and start anew. They started having sex with the aim of getting pregnant right away without any thought about how this could affect their relationship or their own emotional well-being. As expected, things got very tense between them as what was supposed to be an act of love became a mechanical routine full of resentment and emptiness whenever they were together in bed. The lack of intimacy killed the passion. A common situation a married couple trying for babies finds themselves in.
Eventually, frustrated with the lack of progress in their marriage due to this new dynamic, they sought counseling help from me so we could all figure out how best to move forward with healing individually and together as a couple. I coached them by talking openly about each other's feelings regarding their lost child, and they worked through those issues together.
We spent several sessions talking through these topics until, one day, I saw John break down into tears as he talked about his loss—the same man who'd come across as cold to his wife. That moment marked not only an incredible breakthrough between him and Jenna but also within himself too—it seemed like something inside him shifted after expressing his emotions toward his unborn child instead of always keeping everything bottled up inside. From then onwards – understanding each other’s grief enabled them to reconnect deeper than ever.
Change your thinking, change your sex lives
Both partners had to dive deeply to get into the right mindset before working on their sexual incompatibility. When Jenna realized that John expressed his grief differently versus not feeling grief at all, she felt seen and heard. John learned he could be Jenna’s rock and feel sadness and grief.
The point here - get your mind right. Solve the problems that can be solved with your mate and accept those issues that can’t be.
Step 2: Take Things Slowly
Slow doesn’t mean boring!
Look, extinguishing sexless marriage behaviors takes time. Pursuing physical intimacy or turning it down includes some dysfunctional behaviors like criticizing, begging, stonewalling, avoiding affairs, or exploding in anger, to name a few. Taking things slowly is the bridge between focusing on yourself and drawing your attention to fixing what’s wrong in the relationship so you can work towards physical intimacy. After assessing your sexual health and rebuilding sexual confidence, what have you learned?
Know what you want sexually
When you know what you want, you won't waste time focusing on something ambiguous and distorted (you don’t love me anymore!). You'll spend more time asking for what you want and showing your partner what feels pleasurable. Because you’re feeling sexually confident you'll enjoy sex more because you'll already know what feels good.
If you’re having trouble getting turned on and you’ve ruled out medical issues because you’ve gotten cleared by your physician, knowing what you want sexually and what turns you on ahead of time can make a big difference. An important point here is this - consider masturbation. It’s not sinful and doing it doesn’t make you a perverted freak. Masturbation helps us learn about our bodies; what feels good and what can get us to orgasm. Get your mind out of the church, or your grandmother’s voice, or the 7th grade and invest some time into exploring what brings you sexual pleasure.
⏩Try This! According to Men’s Health and many other scientific sources masturbation gives the human body a boost of all things physically and psychologically amazing. It also has a bad rap. Learn how to masturbate here.
Self-soothing alone and then together
Strengthening physical intimacy with your partner starts from within. Self-soothing provides a powerful, calm foundation to help reignite sexual connection and closeness in the relationship.
Visualize this scenario between partners working to fix their sexless marriage: One night while lying in bed together, John decided to take a chance and try something new - he suggested that they practice self-soothing in order to rebuild their sexual connection. Maria was hesitant at first, but she eventually agreed out of desperation for things to be different.
They started by focusing on breathing exercises to relax before moving on to physical touch such as massages and caresses. It was awkward at first, but over time these exercises helped them become more comfortable with one another again. After several weeks of practicing self-soothing techniques together every night, John and Maria could feel the spark reigniting between them once more – just like when they'd first met years ago!
Self-soothing not only rekindled their sexual connection; it also made them closer emotionally too as they were able to share intimate moments while being soothed by each other's presence. Without this technique, John and Maria may have ended up divorced – instead thanks to self-soothing they are now stronger than ever!
Try this! ⏩. This is one of my favorite interventions to help couples start getting into a sexual mindset without the pressure of having sex to start out. Try it here: Cornell Sensate Focus Exercise.
Become your own sex therapist!
All in all, making a severe shift in your mental state is the best and most important first step you can take to fix your sexless marriage. If NSO has been killing your relationship, it's time to change that narrative by taking things slowly outside your comfort zone together. And finally, learn how to self-soothe with and without your partner- this will benefit both of you long-term.
Solve the problems that can be solved and accept those that can't for a better relationship moving forward. Find a good marriage therapist to help you rebuild your emotional intimacy and create healthy sex lives for you and your partner! It starts with a simple conversation with yourself about how you can strengthen the most critical long-term relationship in your life.
Part 2: How To Build Sexual Confidence In A Sexless Marriage