Part 4: Affair Recovery and Successful Reconciliation

Part 4 of 4 Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity

Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery.

In this article:

The counselor began to formulate a dysfunctional communication cycle between the partners.

The couple moved into the Intervention Phase with an understanding of the dysfunctional pattern that caused them to feel negatively towards each other more times than not.

Unfortunately, partner A got sucked into a vortex of turning to another person as a coping mechanism versus leaning into the conflict with Partner B.

Warning! If you are the partner who was cheated on, know this - unless your partner is abusive or a serial cheater, the behavior of cheating isn't usually a reflection of how the cheater feels about you. As crazy as it sounds, it is very often a harmful coping mechanism for dealing with conflict. A couples counselor can help you figure that out.

During the assessment phase, Partner A and Partner B helped the counselor identify the health of the way the partners related to each other before the affair. Partner A experienced danger from Partner B's escalating emotional distress and responded by shutting down and stonewalling. Partner B experienced intense frustration and disconnection from Partner A and also withdrew.

Had the counselor skipped the assessment phase, the couple would start the process solely focused on the affair. Without structure, communication collapses under the weight of each partner's focus on what they're not getting from the other partner. Instead, two motivated partners fully participating go through a discovery process together.

The counselor mapped out the communication between Partner A and Partner B, influenced by how one partner related to the other. The couple recalled the early part of their relationship when they used to stay on the phone all night because one was working out of town. The lens through which they each saw the relationship - the relation of one partner towards the other - was upbeat and bright.

Partner A began to relate to Partner B differently. Failed communication lead to negative interactions more frequently. A didn't feel equipped to deal with serious conversations (the future kids) and didn't understand why Partner B couldn't let it go for now. They weren't even engaged.

Partner B also changed the relation to Partner A. B experienced A's need to flee the conflict as apathy and frequently felt let down and disappointed. B's resentment over A's abysmal response to the conflict led to silent punishment. B believed A would notice the cold shoulder, which would motivate enough to change.

Both partners acknowledged this conclusion and the diagnosis: High conflict caused by dysfunctional communication. Both partners recognize the symptoms: frequent arguments, unresolved business, avoidance, leaning out of the relationship, and an affair.

The counselor reminds the couple that the intervention phase will be difficult and it will be essential to dig into the interventions chosen to help the couple improve communication.

The Intervention Phase: This is where the relationship between the couple and the counselor changes. It goes from triadic interaction, in that the counselor talks to Partner A, Partner B, and both A and B together, to dyadic interaction, where Partner A and Partner B talk to each other in session, and the counselor coaches and teaches in real-time.

The first session in the intervention phase includes the counselor introducing an intervention to help the couple unlearn automatic responses to the other partner's expression of thoughts and feelings.

Partner A still felt very uncomfortable with Partner B's strong emotions, and the counselor was there to talk A down from the urge to shut down and "run." With the counselor's help, Partner B learned to speak their truth by focusing on what they experienced versus what Partner A was doing or not doing, which caused a strong emotional response.

Partner B's new focus on "I think, I feel, I need, I want..." and coaching from the counselor resulted in Partner A learning how to listen actively. Partner A discovered that disagreement isn't an indication of a failing relationship, and the intense fear dulled enough to allow engagement in

Both partners also learned that not every problem between them has a simple answer. For example, partner B worried that years would pass before they figured out whether or not to have future kids and didn't want to find out ten years down the road they still couldn't work it out.

Partner A learned the skill of self-soothing, which resulted in calm during discussions. Partner A put the effort in during sessions and with Partner B outside of counseling. It finally sunk in for A that Partner B needed a more secure bond. As it turns out, Partner A needed the same thing. The couple now had a common goal - strengthening the bond between them.

Partner A actively listened to Partner B's hurt over the affair with empathy and care; A owned the behavior and authentically and meaningfully apologized to B. Likewise, Partner B could listen to Partner A's apology and learn to accept it.

Mistake! If you're "what if-ing" or "yea, but-ing" me, I'll say this - if you don't follow a blueprint during the repair process, it will be harder to rebuild trust. But, of course, there are exceptions to that blanket statement.

The counselor chose several interventions that taught the couple how to strengthen their bond.

The Maintenance Phase began for Partner A and Partner B when they both reported a consistent flow of respectful and calm communication. While Partner B still felt hurt over the affair, there was an understanding of what happened; Partner A answered most of the questions B had.

When Partner B felt "triggered" by the affair, B discussed it with Partner A, who turned their attention to Partner B and worked to help B self-soothe. They started to turn towards each other and ask for what they wanted and needed versus stonewalling and criticizing.

Are there times the couple fights and occasionally falls back into old patterns? Of course! And they recognize it - sometimes laugh about it - and they resolve it and move on.

Terri's Tip: Repair doesn't have to be perfect! You may take two steps forward and one step back or five steps forward and two steps back. Everyone's blueprint has similarities, and they're different! So don't let setbacks demotivate you - keep trying!

Both partners must be committed to the repair process when entering couples counseling. One person leaning out of the relationship creates an added layer of complexity that may damage the bond versus strengthen it.

When a couple starts counseling because of an affair and the partners want to repair it, the cheater is usually overly accommodating and the cheated-upon excessively vigilant. As a result, parental blocks on the phone or regular inspections of text messages and social media are common. While certainly a deterrent, keeping the core conflict in the dark by focusing on the symptoms only causes continued ruptures in the future.

Had Partners A and B worked with a counselor who focused solely on the affair versus the root of their conflict, the pattern of dysfunctional communication was likely to continue. The couple had a different opinion on a big issue - whether or not to have kids. Partner B preferred to talk about the subject, but Partner A felt it was too risky and avoided it. Thus, they were in chronic conflict. Partner B became the pursuer, and A's fight or flight caused withdrawal. This dysfunctional cycle puts both partners into a negative mindset about the relationship.

Partner A coped with the negativity by allowing a coworker into their "inner circle," which caused B to be on the "outs." Coping by affair was discovered by Partner B and caused a significant rupture in the relationship. The couples counselor helped each partner learn how to speak their truth by keeping it about what they want and need versus what the other person was not giving them. The counselor also helped each partner listen to the other person's truth and respond meaningfully.

Many counselors provide couples counseling, but not every counselor is trained to help couples reconcile after infidelity. To find the right counselor, set up a consultation that is 15 minutes long and ask the provider how they approach setting up a blueprint for the repair.

Ask the counselor how they assess the couple's needs to get to the core conflict. What interventions do they find helpful? What do they consider success, which should not include all couples ending happily ever after. Don't be afraid to question the clinician, so you feel confident that the time, effort, and money you'll be putting into couples counseling is well worth the investment.

Lastly, for repair to be successful, both partners must want to and be willing to work toward the repair. If even one partner is leaning out of the relationship, couples counseling is premature and will fail. On the other hand, if you're both ready to take it on, it's possible to end up in a healthier place than before the affair. So stay calm, believe anything is possible, and open your heart to forgiveness and change.

UP NEXT: BONUS PUBLICATION !- 10 Common Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid after Infidelity

Back to Part 1: Blueprint to Reconciling After Infidelity

Back to Part 2: Reconciliation After Infidelity

Back to Part 3: Affair Recovery for Partners A and B