Part 3: Affair Recovery for Partners A and B

Part 3 of 4 Blueprint to Reconciliation after Infidelity

Blueprint to Reconciliation After Infidelity is a series to help couples reconcile after infidelity. I lay out the three paths to walk for couples after an affair is discovered: Path 3 is successful reconciliation. I'll use the affair of Partner A and Partner B to help the reader understand the process, and as a bonus, I'll include common mistakes in affair recovery.

In this section:

Partner A and Partner B have been in a committed relationship for two years. Partner A was married and had two young kids; Partner B has never been married and has no kids. Partner A wasn't sure they wanted any more kids because they had a nasty divorce with custody issues; it left A feeling negatively when thinking about more kids. Partner B may be able to live with that and also wonders if they might want kids down the road.

A and B are in the maintenance phase after couples counseling to repair the relationship after Partner B caught Partner A texting with a coworker. B shared all the intimate details about the relationship with A with the coworker; Partner A doesn't know who this outside person is and also saw pictures the coworker sent to Partner B of them in the shower.

Partner A considered this "cheating" and entered counseling. Partner B engaged in couples counseling to repair the damage caused by their inappropriate dialogue with the coworker.

They came into counseling without talking about how and why it happened. Partner A wanted to know all the details, and Partner B wanted to move on; A wasn't getting their questions answered. B had recommitted to the relationship and believed talking about the coworker was unproductive.

The partners went through The Assessment Phase and learned that both partners experienced "gridlock" over their different positions regarding children. Partner B tried to discuss their differences, and Partner A shut down or stonewalled the discussion. A was afraid that their differences would cause a breakup. Partner B thought they were doing the "right thing" by discussing it and would aggressively chase A until they responded. The dynamic between them spilled into all communication, and they frequently started arguing.

Partner A and the coworker were assigned to a project and had worked together for a year, although not directly until now. The coworker overheard A on the phone with B; the conversation ended abruptly, very noticeably. This event sparked a discussion between the coworker and A; the coworker often started their meetings by asking how A was doing. This is when A begins down the slippery slope of stepping outside the relationship.

A and the coworker started texting outside of work. In the nine months they spent communicating inappropriately, they had exchanged a few kisses and hugs - no sex. Neither the coworker nor A dared to take the relationship to the next level, and the space they were in felt comfortable and safe. Both relied on the affair for emotional support versus A turning towards B for the help they needed.

THE HOW AND WHY OF THE AFFAIR: The dynamic change between Partner A and Partner B was how A related to B. Partner A experienced that it was easier to talk to the coworker than Partner B. Not because of anything B did wrong but because talking to Partner B brought up an intense feeling of FEAR for Partner A, so A avoided talking to avoid the intense emotions. The more Partner A shut down the conversation; the more Partner B pursued the conversation. Neither partner intended to upset the other, but their interaction escalated until they could no longer shrug it off, and the conflict sat in gridlock.

Partner A found the attention and care from the coworker kind at first. The coworker shared commiserating stories about their failed attempts at relationships and communication. They spent a good chunk of their work time unproductive because of their talks; they both rationalized their joint lunches as catching up. Texts became more flirty during the day until one evening at 10:00 p.m.; the coworker texted Partner A to share a scene from a funny show they were watching. After that, the conversations became more personal, and the texts became sexts.

The slippery slope of Partner A landed on thin ice.

Partner A and the coworker began to keep an open dialogue through an app that wasn't so obvious to Partner B. Partner B felt the shift in Partner A's attention away from their conflict (having kids) and the gridlock they found themselves in. Their communication became bottlenecked, so Partner A leaned out of the relationship. Partner B found it helpful to talk about conflict and try to compromise. Partner A believed it was harmful to talk about something so serious. It was dangerous because it felt overwhelming and way too confrontational.

After Partner B discovered the affair, it took about a month for the truth to come out. Bit by bit, B drilled A to disclose where they saw each other. How far did it go? Do you still love me? Do you want to break up with me? Are you in love with the coworker?

Both partners agreed that forgiveness and healing seemed like a Herculean feat and decided to come into counseling. However, they both knew they wanted to stay together and work it out.

Planning for success: Partner A and Partner B found a couples counselor with whom they felt comfortable. They started with a consultation where they met the counselor via telephone for about 20 minutes. The counselor explained the phases of counseling, how they would support the couple, which tools they prefer to use and why, and what they can expect from live sessions. They were screened for intention and commitment to the process.

Terri's Tip: A wife once told me at the beginning of a session, "You better do something quickly because I can't take this anymore!" It's not the counselor's job to "fix" your problems or play referee. Instead, we serve as a coach to help the players perform at their highest level. We coach each of you to strive to be the best version of yourself during the repair process.

The Assessment Phase: The counselor met with them together during the initial intake. The couple shared how they met, what initially attracted one to the other, and where they grew up. They discussed the affair, each partner's perspective, and how it affected them. During this first session, the counselor lays out the blueprint for the couple. The phases, the benefits, the risks, and the commitment needed to achieve the best outcome.

The most important thing for the couple is that things may get worse before they get better, and the couple must accept this.

Warning! Couples tend to want to quit when the rubber hits the road and the conflict intensifies. If you get to the point where you want to leave, tell your counselor! We know it's not personal; it's a desire to avoid making things worse! We can help you work through that urge to chuck it.

The counselor learned that Partner B had a higher level of emotional intelligence than Partner A; B was relatively skilled and comfortable sharing strong emotions with A. Until the conflict between the partners regarding children arose, A was always supportive and a great listener when B expressed strong feelings. However, this time it was different; the intense emotions were about A's response to the conflict between them.

Their parent's volatile relationship influenced partner A's emotional intelligence. A's mother had difficulty regulating her emotions and acted out frequently. Dad would stay gone during Mom's emotional flare-ups, leaving A to care for the younger siblings because Mom couldn't function. As a result, partner A learned to suck it up and move on. Talking about emotions wasn't even on A's radar. Why? What good would it do? Who would even listen?

The counselor began to formulate a dysfunctional communication cycle between the partners.

The couple moved into the Intervention Phase with an understanding of the dysfunctional pattern that caused them to feel negatively towards each other more times than not.