T. L. Kern, Clinical Counselor
What To Do — Relationship Advice for Every Stage of Love
Explore “What To Do,” a relationship advice hub for every stage of love.
From preparing for a healthy relationship and keeping intimacy alive to resolving conflict, rebuilding trust, and deciding what’s next.
What To Do Before You Get Married — Premarital Counseling for Strong Foundations
Every healthy marriage begins with honest communication, realistic expectations, and shared goals. Premarital counseling gives couples the tools to understand each other deeply before saying “I do.”
In premarital sessions, you’ll explore important topics like conflict styles, finances, values, intimacy, family expectations, and emotional connection. Together, we’ll identify strengths to build on and potential challenges to prepare for.
I use evidence-based approaches, including The Gottman Method, to help couples learn how to say what they mean, listen with empathy, and build lasting trust. These early conversations set the tone for a lifetime of respect and understanding.
All Relationship Articles
What To Do Before You’re Together — Dating and Premarital Advice
If you’re looking for love, or preparing for marriage, this is where your relationship story begins. Love built on chemistry alone rarely lasts; love built on curiosity, respect, and alignment does.
Before you commit, take time to understand who you are in relationships and what matters most to you. Emotional readiness — not luck — sets the stage for a healthy partnership.
Here’s what I tell people at this stage:
Pay attention to patterns, not promises. People reveal their emotional maturity through consistency, empathy, and follow-through — not words alone.
Ask deeper questions. How do you handle conflict? What does commitment look like to you? How do you define trust, or forgiveness?
Know your own dealbreakers. It’s not “too picky” to know what you can’t live with. Boundaries are a form of emotional clarity.
Talk about the future. Discuss values, finances, intimacy, family goals — the topics that test compatibility before they test your patience.
Premarital advice isn’t just for engaged couples. It’s for anyone serious about building something real. The best time to learn good relationship habits is before they’re tested.
What To Do to Build Connection and Trust
Once you’re committed, love grows through the daily choices you make together. Trust and connection are built not in grand gestures, but in moments of honesty, empathy, and effort.
I often remind couples that emotional safety is the cornerstone of intimacy. Without it, communication breaks down and connection fades.
To build a strong foundation:
Be curious, not critical. When your partner disappoints you, ask questions instead of assigning blame. Curiosity builds bridges; criticism builds walls.
Express appreciation. Gratitude softens conflict. A simple “I noticed you did that” can change the tone of an entire day.
Repair early and often. Every couple argues. What matters is how quickly you make it right.
Make time for connection. Date nights aren’t luxuries — they’re maintenance. Intimacy grows from shared experiences, not routines alone.
Strong relationships are not built on perfection, but on accountability and repair. The couples who last are the ones who keep showing up with humility and hope.
What To Do When Communication Breaks Down
When couples come to me saying, “We just can’t communicate,” what they often mean is, “We can’t connect without conflict.” Communication is not just about words — it’s about emotional regulation, listening, and intention.
The most common breakdowns happen when:
One partner talks to win, not to understand.
Emotions run the conversation instead of guiding it.
Each person defends their perspective instead of seeing the other’s.
Here’s my advice:
Pause before you respond. When you feel yourself getting defensive, take a breath. Slowing down changes everything.
Listen for the feeling, not just the fact. Behind most conflict is a deeper need — to be seen, valued, or respected.
Stay on topic. Don’t stack every past mistake onto today’s disagreement. Handle one issue at a time.
Repair after rupture. A sincere “I overreacted” or “I see your point now” is one of the most powerful things you can say.
When communication breaks down, don’t assume the relationship is broken. It’s an opportunity to rebuild it stronger.
